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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

259 replies

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:38

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

OP posts:
Hercisback · 03/04/2023 08:49

I don't and didn't shy away from the reality when I had a newborn and then toddlers. However once people are pregnant, constantly going on about how hard life is going to be, doesn't really help them.

There are a variety of different experiences of parenting. Mine was just one of them.

Easterfunbun · 03/04/2023 08:50

Just to add my SIL would do this to me. Go on about horrific it all was. A) it wasn’t at all helpful and caused me unnecessary anxiety and B) wasn’t at all accurate in my experience.

Ragwort · 03/04/2023 08:50

Everybody's experience is so different ... I could tell you the truth that my baby was easy, slept through from 7-7, perfectly content to play quietly in a playpen, two long naps a day, not a fussy eater, happy to be left with anyone, loved play school, nursery etc. Being a SAHM to a chilled out baby was quite honestly the easiest time of my life. But that wouldn't really help you because your baby is different.

But I will give you one piece of advice (that worked for me) ... don't have another baby, having an only DC is lovely. Smile

IamnotSethRogan · 03/04/2023 08:50

A few reasons. No one can predict how different people will react. There is nothing more annoying than people going on about how hard it is and no one really listens anyway. I was the first to have children and I didn't have any particular warning Also people are now caught up in the struggles having older children brings which is actually more complicated and difficult then babies/new borns so it makes the tiny baby struggles a distant memory.

SausageMonkey2 · 03/04/2023 08:51

Yes you forget. I think. Or the cumulative trauma would be too much. And you’d never do it again.

Newnamenewname109870 · 03/04/2023 08:52

Some people have easier kids but honestly, yes, you do forget a bit. By the time the child is 5 that is a long time away. And as you are so sleep deprived you often don’t make proper memories.

pickledandpuzzled · 03/04/2023 08:52

People often look back on DC1 and wonder what the fuss was about. By the time you are on later DCs it actually seems quite easy.
DC1 felt hard, DC2 was DC1 but with a school run so being on time mattered.

I went in to foster, and later baby DCs were just a doddle, despite having additional needs.
There's a lot to be said for experience!

PapadamPreach · 03/04/2023 08:52

You’re blaming other women for not telling you how hard it could be, rather than blaming your husband for not taking on a fair load.

35965a · 03/04/2023 08:53

Some people do, some don’t. However I’ve seen people moan ‘why does everyone say how hard it is, why do they try and scare you on purpose, I find it amazing etc’ then on the other hand you have some like you who say ‘why doesn’t anyone tell you how hard it is?’ Basically you can’t win no matter what you say!

PurBal · 03/04/2023 08:54

I have a toddler and a baby on the way. I remember when DS was a baby thinking it was really really hard. As in I know that’s how I felt but I don’t really remember it. Now he’s a toddler and baby is due I’m thinking “well at least the new baby won’t move and will sleep all the time”, I know that’s crap. But I guess I also know it’s only for a season. I love the stage DS is at now, even though the tantrums take their toll.

Ohlalahair · 03/04/2023 08:57

Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 08:44

I guess now I'm very blunt in telling people what it's really like if they're thinking about it, so I wonder why people aren't more open about it. I'm just sitting here reflecting on things.

Because not everyone’s experience is the same?? And in reality you telling someone how relentless and knackering having a baby is, isn’t going to stop them. Plus the baby/toddler years fly by and there is a lot of joy in those years for a lot of people.

WildAloofRebel · 03/04/2023 08:57

Yes people forget, I have mainly happy memories of my oldest 2 as babies and toddlers 😍 yes I remember that one was (still is) a shit sleeper and the other was a crazy climber but now I definitely mainly remember the fun it was.

Isn’t it well known that people block out the births otherwise they’d never do it again? Same for the early years probably.

I do get sick of all the negativity you see online about parenting though. It can be so great! Highlight of my life, and the hardest thing I’ve ever done too. So you see why it’s hard to know what to say? 😂

Beantag · 03/04/2023 08:57

There isn't a shared reality though, people have different experiences and find adapting to being a parent differently. I really struggled, I had PND, my partner was deployed when DS was very young so I had to do a lot alone, I hated the newborn stage. I have friends who genuinely enjoyed it- yes found it a huge change, the relentlessness challenging but overall loved it.

You also can't win either really, if you tell someone who mentions children about the shit bits it's not always welcomed, perception also changes over time. Now I'm out of the newborn fog I can see things were hard but also worthwhile which taints my view.

HoboSexualOnslow · 03/04/2023 08:57

I feel like people I know with children only tell me how awful it is.

Jellycatspyjamas · 03/04/2023 08:58

But what im saying is it’s not terrible for everyone, particularly if they have a lot of help from their husbands.

Its not help though, it’s them pulling their weight.

I didn’t have babies because I adopted but I remember a good friend who had also adopted telling me she spent the first 6 months feeling like she’d lost her mind. I held on to that in the very difficult early days and weeks (and months). I think nothing can really prepare you for the reality of parenting and the huge changes you go through physically and emotionally.

MermaidMummy06 · 03/04/2023 08:58

I don't think we forget, but move on from that stage. Also, it's considered nasty to frighten people with the warts & all of what it will be like. You can't really prepare anyone - it's just information. Negative info isn't helpful & all babies are different.

BUT, I do feel society and Disney give a romanticised version of parenthood. My friend's 18 y/o was excited to be pregnant. Now my friend (the GM) has been pretty much primary caregiver since birth as her DD didn't understand she'd have to give up her partying and free wheeling social life.

Exl · 03/04/2023 08:58
  1. Yes, the whole thing kind of fades into a confusing blur. I’m not sure if it’s because of sleep deprivation or if it is nature’s way of encouraging us to reproduce again.
  2. The bits I remember well, I’m cautious about telling new mothers. When a tearful mum of a 6 week old baby who wakes frequently asks me when they start to sleep through, should I really tell her that ours first slept through the night at age three?
AlltheFs · 03/04/2023 08:58

I found the opposite, all the reading I did made me think it would be horrific. I very nearly didn’t have any children because I thought it was hell on earth. Had DD at 41 after a last minute panic and I’ve found it so much fun! Some hard days yes, not always easy but overwhelmingly brilliant.

So I think it depends on expectations. I expected the worst and it was much better than I feared.

Beantag · 03/04/2023 08:59

HoboSexualOnslow · 03/04/2023 08:57

I feel like people I know with children only tell me how awful it is.

Also yes, there's plenty online and on TV etc but how hard and crap elements of it can be. Whilst I do think it's still taboo to say I hate being a parent (even though some do and their feelings are valid), I don't recognise that no one ever says about the shit bits.

Keeween · 03/04/2023 09:01

Personally I think yabu. Why would you want to listen to endless mums moaning about how hard it is when you’re ttc or pregnant?! Or why would anyone else want to listen to you complain for that matter?
Of course people know it’s hard, you’re raising a human, it’s never going to be easy. The sleep deprivation is hardly a shock either, tale as old as time. It’s also fucking annoying all the ‘enjoy the sleep while you can/oh you don’t know what you’re in for’ comments 🥱 I don’t know how you managed to miss them tbh, people love a bit of competitive misery.
Having said that, I wouldn’t be negative about motherhood if someone asked how I felt about it because not everyone does find it to be this difficult, awful slog. I only have one, a toddler bht I’ve loved every stage and have never found it to be overly difficult as opposed to joyful and fun and just the most amazing thing in the world. Should I lie to expecting mothers? 🤔

Original poster
Whydoievenbother · 03/04/2023 09:02

Maybe it's more because now people are like oh yes, it's sooo hard so I'm like why is this just not generally spoken about. I guess unless you shadow someone and then extrapolate that out it's not going to be apparent. I feel this is a whole new level of tired I didn't know existed and I have a relatively 'easy' child. Probably just feeling a bit sorry for myself. I appreciate the responses, thank you.

OP posts:
Skyeheather · 03/04/2023 09:02

What was it that you expected? I have two DC and I don't agree with you, I have loved being Mum to my little ones. It could be that your friends and family never felt like you either.

It sounds like you are struggling to cope? Have you told your friends and family how you are feeling and asked for help? Grandparents are often only too happy to take them off your hands? Do you have a partner? If so, they need to step up and do more.

romdowa · 03/04/2023 09:02

It's not that hard for everyone
My baby had severe cmpa, reflux and screamed and refused to sleep for a long time. A girl who had a baby around the same time as me had a dream baby. Slept through the night very early on. Her experience was so good she had another baby 13 months after her first. I've a 17 month old and definitely not ready to go there again.

Disgustipated · 03/04/2023 09:03

People are different. I was young with my first, in that period of life with constant change. Finishing study, new jobs, moving… new things. I wasn’t blindsided as I wasn’t so set in my way. I had fun, there’s pictures of us at festivals with a baby etc. I had more fairly quickly and I genuinely enjoyed it. I had friends and family around too so I wasn’t lonely
If I share my honest experience people tend to get annoyed, because it’s not their experience. I started just keeping my mouth shut and nodding. 20 years on I have many friends at the baby toddler stage who ask me about it all for advice, but it’s not going to be remotely the same for them with their careers and set habits.

PrincessCalley · 03/04/2023 09:03

Okay first of all you need to get your husband to do more. That's a lot of your problem.

But secondly almost 10 years ago my life changed over night. I was the first of my friends to have a baby so there was noone to tell me this. I resented my husband getting to go out to work every day as I was stuck at home with the baby. It took me a while to bond with our daughter but I looked after her. Noone can tell you how much your life changes after you have a baby. And if they did you wouldn't believe them.

We went on to have another little girl 2 and half years later and I enjoyed this time off much better as my toddler was good fun. Also my second child didn't sleep through the night for 3 YEARS. But we got through it. My husband was great as he didn't mind the lack of sleep. Me not so much.

I do talk about how bad it was with my friends now but you don't go around telling people how bad you had it. We do it in more a jokey way. Not all babies are the same and some really are a dream. It also comes across as being bitter.

Speak to your husband and get more free time for yourself. There are no medals for being a martyr. It's really true happy mammy, happy baby!