Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

[Whydoievenbother]

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

If people knew, accurately knew , how hard having kids is, a lot fewer people would have them.

Also factor in that people's individual situations are massively variable. Some people have the money to afford tons of help. Some people live near family who are happy to help. Some people are always going to find it tougher than others for a million and one reasons so it's difficult to adequately prepare people for how hard it is. It's different levels of hard for different people.

I completely sympathise with you finding it difficult. Nothing on earth could have properly 'prepared' me for the culture shock of having children. In my head I thought I knew, thought I had a decent idea, thought I understood well enough. But I found the slog soul-crushingly relentless. More than I'd realised. And then my second child has a chronic illness and SEN. It's exhausting, it's draining, it's relentless. But that's obviously only my own experience and others' varies.

You only have to see how many threads on here implying that other mothers are making heavy weather of parenting to see why many people wouldn't 'warn'.

I think you just adjust to it. What's hard initially becomes much easier for most people. Hope your baby settles

It's so variable. I had the opposite and was told beforehand how awful it was, but I haven't found it awful at all. I have an easy baby and it's all been wonderful.

On the other hand, no-one told me the truth about labour! Worst thing ever! But I suppose that's extremely variable too.

I was the opposite - I felt really let down by how negative people were. I had this sense of dread in the last weeks of my first pregnancy as everyone basically said "your life is over now". Whilst I was excited to meet the baby of course, I was also terrified that I'd made a big mistake.
When she was born, it was the best thing that ever happened to me. It was nowhere near as hard as I thought it was going to be and I felt really cross at how negative people around me had been.
I think it's dreadful when people load on pregnant mothers with their negative experiences. One of my friends had a baby after me, and actually messaged me when the baby was about 3 months old thanking me for being so positive about everything 🤣 I offered practical advice rather than negative experiences and didn't terrify her with bad stories of birth/the early days.

Sorry if my first message sounds blunt but I felt a big like you when mine were tiny. It was because my exh was horrible, useless shit so I tend to think that’s the first port of call.

No one who is in a relationship with they have a baby should “never get a break”. There should be breaks on the weekends (or his days off), in the evening etc

Actually the more I think about this, the more I’m surprised you feel that people weren’t all negative twats about impending motherhood because now I’m really thinking about it, huge amounts of people were just that to me while I was pregnant (and every stage since ‘oh just you wait til..’) it’s like people can’t wait to piss on your parade with endless tales of motherhood woe. Personally I think that’s worse. I guess there’s a middle ground.

Get him told - now.
If he still won’t pull his weight, stop doing anything for him.
Some men need to have the message driven home powerfully- that it really is not in their best interests to shirk parent responsibilities.
Some of my friends seriously regret not doing this earlier.
Im not saying mine is perfect - but then neither am I - but he pulled his weight right from the start.

In response to your original post, some of us found it easier in many respects that we thought it would be. After years of infertility our DC1 was pretty easy bar the colic which we got used to - and that was over by about 12 weeks. Slept through from midnight to 7 am at 8 weeks. DC 2 was harder, but still manageable. I had no problem going back to work at 8 months in both cases.

Yes, babyhood and toddler times were the easy bits,

I still have flashbacks about the teenage years, and they're in their mid 40's now lol 😳😳

I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down

How silly? Not everyone finds parenting babies and young children hard. It's a very personal experience specific to the parent and specific to the child(ren)

But everyone’s experience is different. My first born was a very easy baby that I honestly found it a complete breeze. So telling me how difficult it was wouldn’t have correlated to my experience. I actually found going to work much more difficult than having my baby. I felt like Mat leave was a long holiday!

Yes, I think people do forget the challenges of the baby and toddler years. Women biologically forget/minimise the trauma of childbirth which often means they choose give birth more than once. I think it's a similar situation with young children.

Any time my parents or DH's parents have had my children for the day (2 under 3), they are exhausted and wind up saying they don't remember it being so full on. But it was - DH's parents had 2 children under 2 and one of them had physical and mental disabilities. My parents had 3 children under 3. I guarantee they had it just as had and exhausting as I do, they just don't remember anymore.

Oh 10000% people forget what it’s like.

MIL was appalled once when DD was rough with a baby book and was trying to chew it, she was only just sitting and 5 months. MIL tried to her me at that age DH sat really quietly and looked always held books the right way up looking at at the words! I was like oh fuck off he was not reading at 6 months.

But in terms of your AIBU yeah you’re unreasonable to feel let down because you don’t think other parents warned you enough! It’s not on them to make sure you’re prepared to be a parent.
Most people who aren’t thinking about a baby or maybe newly pregnant are just in their own bubble and don’t care. Which is fair enough. When I didn’t have kids why would I care that my coworker was always up in the night with her snotty toddler? I wasn’t interested in someone ranting about how hard it was to balance their life with work etc.

Then there are people who actively don’t want to hear anything negative!

What do you mean when you say you are really blunt to other people?
To be honestly I think we actually hear so much negativity around motherhood and children, it seems uncommon now to talk about how wonderful it is. That’s seen as fake, or insensitive or something.

Yes I think my memories have faded of what a damn hard slog it was when mine were little. I used to take mine out for a walk and run about every day no matter what the weather was like. I had dogs so had to walk them anyway. Fairly rigid routines and had to be very organised, it was the only way I could cope. I was WFH, DH away a lot of the time. I had them in nursery in the mornings 8.30-1, then they had a nap, we would go walkies and any errands I needed to do around 3 then home for telly, tea and bed. Then I'd do a bit more work in the evenings.

All I can tell you is you'll get through it somehow. I've glossed over the whiny brat stuff, if I could see it brewing I tried to distract them and stop it that way. So much of that time was about trying to be at least one step ahead of them so that everything stayed calm.

Lack of sleep effects your memory so yes, I think people genuinely forget

I think people do say how it is. I think you just can’t understand how hard it is until you experience it. I had a job I hated and whilst I didn’t think I could be a SAHM, I didn’t realise how desperate I would be to get back to a job I hated. My friend is loving maternity leave, she’s not finding it a relentless slog but she is a lot more anxious than I was.

I remember those early months. It was all consuming and exhausting and I felt I would never be me again. It DOES pass, you will get more of you back as time goes on and more sleep! I know it's hard to think this in the thick of it though.

My partner wants a third and I have said no, one of my massive reasons being I couldn't think of anything worse than going back to the beginning,

If people ask me, I say it's the hardest thing I've ever done but it's worth it. That covers it nicely for me.

I think people do forget. Or maybe I’m just a shitty parent?

Lots of people will have told you that your life will change and they are hard work but you probably chose to not really listen or take it on board.

Is this a coded way of saying you think you should get some practical support from the people around you, not just your partner? Because even if they’d done what you now do and warn that parenthood is relentlessly hard, would that have put you off having a baby? And if not, what’s the point of people warning you, because just verbalising that it’s hard won’t lighten your load OP.

Honestly? I think people forget what it’s like to have children at pretty much all stages once those stages have passed. Friends with grown up children kept inviting us for daytime, non child friendly activities. And then being surprised when we can’t leave our children by themselves all afternoon.

Those days have long gone for them. So they forgot.

People do forget, but the thing is, you can listen to what people say, and read as many things as you like, but nothing ACTUALLY prepares you for the reality of it. I had less of a shock to the system than my DH having seen my best friend go through it, but even then, I didn't understand until I experienced it. So although people don't talk about it as honestly as they could / should, I think it's still impossible to get until you've lived it.

I do think it's important to ask for help if you need it too. There is no shame in that. I was guilty of this with my first - I didn't want anyone to help me as I was so determined to prove I was a super mum and could do it all. This resulted in over a year of only getting 2 hours sleep at a time and a steady decline in my mental health.

With my second, I gratefully took any help I was offered and was not afraid to ask for it.

I found babies easy, despite having babies with some additional needs (oxygen tanks etc). However 15-20 months was TOUGH, from a physical point of view, as little one always wanted to be on the move & I couldn't sit for a second. But beyond that, they can communicate enough to work out their needs/wants most of the time & they can walk reliably enough.

Everyone has different experiences

I think people DO warn you though

Wait til the terrible 2's hit
2 under 5? You're mad
You'll have your hands full
Wait til they are up walking
Sleep when baby sleeps or you'll know about it

All regular comments