Do people forget what it's like to have a baby/toddler?

[Whydoievenbother]

Having a baby was quite a shock to the system in terms of what a lifestyle change it was and basically never really getting a break. The majority is on me and basically I'm exhausted. I have alot of friends and family, all with much older children. My AIBU is really do people forget what it's like? I feel no one gave me any idea what I would be in for, and to be honest I feel quite let down. I'm particularly exhausted today and feel like giving up so this is the reason for my thread. I guess what I'm asking is why not give people a heads up so they know what they are in for and be somewhat mentally prepared rather than completely blindsided.

I find it boring as hell too. I don't find babies to be very interesting and I'm more looking forward to when he's older, thankfully they aren't babies for long.

I went back to work at 12 weeks and feel much better for it.

I don’t think people listen, at all.
If someone had told you that pregnancy is awful. That giving birth is excruciating, that all babies do is shit, piss, suck on your tits and a scream, would that have stopped you from doing it too. If they said that you will be tired, exhausted, unhappy, lonely, depressed, would that have stopped you?
If they told you that your marriage will suffer, that unless you do the majority of work your husband will sulk and think of shagging other women, would that have stopped you. Or would you have ignored it and sone it anyway like the majority of women do. Seriously I would have thought it obvious that having a baby is hard work.
That it changes your life and there is no going back. If you aren’t prepared to change then don’t do it. Your life cannot remain the same and weather you embrace the changes is down to you.
I think that nobody can prepare you for how tired you will be. Even that is subjective though as some parents get much more help than others. I think once your children are adults you can appreciate why your own parents didn’t want to babysit or help out as much as you would have liked.

I agree 100% with all of this. I have genuinely enjoyed looking after my (now) toddler. I have a supportive husband and a reasonable salary, which probably makes a difference.

The idea that intelligent women couldn't possibly be interested in babies and toddlers would be offensive if it wasn't so daft. I have a strong academic background and a good career in law, yet I also find child development as a subject interesting. Spending time with my child is rewarding. Watching a child grow, learn and develop is genuinely quite fascinating.

I went back to work full time after 6 months purely for financial reasons, but in other circumstances I would have been more than happy to take a few years out to raise a family.

I know plenty of women with successful careers who also find babies and young children interesting. Plenty of men too, for that matter. Clearly not everyone does, but quite a few.

The combination of child, mother, and circumstances is going to be different every time.

DC1 was hell on wheels as a baby. Wanted to be on me literally all the time. Wanted my attention literally all the time. Bounced between boredom and overstimulation at the drop of a hat, until I wept with desperation for sleep and my body back. As an older primary schooler, they're a piece of piss. Well-behaved, compliant, independent, smart, and with plenty of friends. Maybe they'll go massively off the rails as a teen, or maybe they'll remain a dream; who can say? DC2 was a much easier baby. Fed enthusiastically but not constantly, actually liked sleeping, didn't require to be attached to me every second, would lie quietly for 20mins in a baby gym; plus DH and I had, through trial, error, and renegotiation, worked out an equitable balance and how to manage an EBF baby, something we very much didn't have with DC1. But they are significantly harder work now they're older - boisterous, pigheaded and stubborn as hell.

Humans are adaptable. We all manage as best we can with what we have.

Yea you forget. Can't remember mine at that age.

On reflection, I've only had two friends who have had babies while I've been friends with them. Both went back to work quite early, one had an Au Pair and one a SAHD so with both of them it was like the baby hadn't really affected their lives. They weren't very close friends though so I was quite clueless, and with family, they live in a different city so I wasn't around. Now if I had a friend who had a baby I would definitely go round and look after it to give her a break, now knowing how much that would mean.

Now if I had a friend who had a baby I would definitely go round and look after it to give her a break, now knowing how much that would mean

I think this is what your post has been about all along OP. It the baby’s dad who needs to step into this breach

Now if I had a friend who had a baby I would definitely go round and look after it to give her a break, now knowing how much that would mean.

^ I wouldn't want that. I'd want you to vacuum, put a wash on and make me some food if I had a useless husband.

It's incredibly hard and I feel for you. No you don't exactly forget it, but the period of immersed exhaustion is temporary and melts away like a half-dream once it's over. The weather is warming up now so you'll be able to get out and about more, hopefully. I found baby groups in a local park and slowly became part of a little group of fellow mothers at this point, which saved my sanity. You're absolutely not alone in feeling like this.

I think if people voluntarily told you would you ‘could’ be in for at the time - you would probably tell them they were being ‘negative’.

I always keep my mouth shut when someone tells me they are pregnant as it’s not for me to assume how difficult the birth or subsequent years will be as everyone comes differently. In the same vein I was shocked when I miscarried my first and then told 1 in 3 miscarry by GP. Why didn’t they mention before? Because 2/3 don’t.

I share your pain - I found it exhausting and it felt like it went on forever. However I’m in the teenage years now and my God that’s even worse. However I’ve slowly learned a lot about myself and how to adapt my mindset and I have got to a place of acceptance and more understanding. When I see a screaming hysterical child in a supermarket/ airport etc I now feel compassion rather than utter terror and being out of control. It will come. You can do this. It takes time. Ask for support and try to look after yourself and take breaks whenever offered. Try and lose any guilt. It will always be there. Take care.

I think it’s different for everyone. I had my first at 18 so I’d never really known anything different. I didn’t feel like I wasn’t getting any time to myself as that’s just the way it was. By the time I had my second many years later all I’d ever known my entire adult life was being a parent so I had no point of comparison.

I found 0-5 the easiest personally. Obviously lack of sleep was hard but luckily didn’t last more than a few months. I think it gets harder once they start school.

It isn't up to other people to warn you. I had it tough with 2 under 2 but my dh is an equal partner and I was also able to go part time which did help. Some of why it was hard was due to my specific circumstances so 2 emergency sections, new house move, eldest wouldn't drink milk, wasn't walking when second child arrived, neither child slept through till aged 2 and no family support. I wouldn't volunteer that information unless asked and would say that someone with a different set of circumstances may well find a small age gap easier. It was also rough for the first 6 months and then got lots easier as they routines aligned.

Some people don't want to know. Many on my baby group didn't want to hear experiences from parents with more than one child so they found out the hard way. They also didn't like it when the complained that noone told them and were reminded that actually you didn't want to know.

I'm sorry that you are in the thick of it and finding things tough. You have an oh though and presumably chose to have a baby with him. You can speak to him and get him to do more or get rid should you want. You shouldn't feel bad for feeling this way, someone with more support might well find it easier, someone who has a cleaner, someone who's parents help, someone who's child eats and sleeps well might not have the same challenges as you.

Word! I had a very good husband but when he was at work my brilliant friend who worked near my flat would go for a lunchtime sprint to the sandwich shop, sprint to my house, hold the baby while I ate, then leave me with a brownie while she sprinted back to work. A perfect human!

I didn’t want a break from the baby per se; I wanted a break from the squalid house and the chaos. Friends who understood that and just did things and kept the ship sailing were a godsend.

Everyone experience is different....I found the baby stage very easy and simple and swap it for a 3-4 year old. However I've a friend who struggled with the baby stage and managed the age 3-4 better than me. I think getting support and help is the answer ..can your husband or extended family or friends help, even if it's just hold baby whilst you sleep. Hope things get better soon x

First time I felt traumatised and broken after a difficult birth and I cried for months, whereas second time was just pure joy, even with a 2 year old to care for as well.

My best friend had the opposite experience- 1st birth/baby experience was a breeze but 2nd brought PND and a couple of really tricky years with toddler in tow as well.

No 2 experiences are the same.

I didn’t speak about how unhappy I was after having my first. It was before the Internet and I felt terribly guilty.

You telling me....I'm running around in cycles since DD started school ... everyone I pass in the playground saying the same. I had a friend say she missed the baby toddler stage as you had time. Every age and stage has its struggles...

I think you reassess. You thought babies were hard, until you go into insane toddler mode. Everything else pales before the nightmare preteen stage. Then there is the gut wrenching horror of teendom. They really take years of your life then.
if you ask me now, I like the first ten years. Even with my last who is five, there’s nothing she can do that’s worse than the teens

In my experience many expectant parents don’t necessarily want the advice. Some find it intrusive and find it annoying. Not only that no baby is the same, some are a dream and others have colic or don’t sleep through as a few examples. I could tell you it’s amazing and then you find your baby doesn’t make you feel like that. I’m not sure what it is you wanted people to say to you because every single one of us are different people. I was never bothered by the lack of sleep. My DC were awful but I know others who found sleep horrific. You just don’t know until your living it yourself how you’ll cope.

I don’t think anyone can truly prepare you for your first newborn. It’s completely draining and completely changes everything. I feel like it does get easier though. Everyone has different experiences, it does sound like you could use more support from family and friends. It shouldn’t all be on you. I was in denial about PND for the first 6m with my first, and again, that can have a different effect on everyone. Is there anyone you can ask for help from? Or talk to your partner about how you’re feeling? Honestly I couldn’t put it into words verbally so I wrote my DP a letter explaining what I was going through, and he understood why I’d been acting so differently then and we worked through it together. Take care I hope things get better x

Ha! I worked with someone once who was headstrong, career-minded, focused, capable...first thing she said when she brought baby into work was 'why didn't you tell me about the first 6 weeks?' I responded with a smile and 'you wouldn't have believed me!'.

If it’s any consolation I felt exactly the same way as you OP and I haven’t forgotten even though mine are 28 and 26. In those pre-internet days all I had were magazines like Mother and Baby assuring me I would float around in a cloud of bliss and I didn’t have any close friends or colleagues with babies, plus we moved 80 miles away when DS1 was 3 months old.
I honestly hated the first few months.
It gets easier.

When I was pregnant I honestly thought people were being miserable when they described parenting and I was adamant that it wasn't going to be like that and they were being negative for the sake of it. There was a thread the other day about people giving advice and the pregnant woman was absolute in her belief that it wouldn't be the same for her.

I don't think any amount of advice or guidance can mentally prepare you though. The first 6 weeks are brutal. This too shall pass and you do get used to life with kids and even enjoy it.

Only one colleague was brutally honest with me, and I appreciated it so much! The groups really helped too. Yes, it's horrific with a few good bits to keep you going! Men need to do 50 50 of course, go to the gym and have the odd night out!

All the ages are good/awful in different ways, let's be honest there are no good ages! Maybe 8 to 12 are a little better, downhill again after that!

I'm the eldest of 7 and was abused as a houseslave untill I left home. When I expected my own first baby I knew very well it would be exhausting at times, I had been changing diapers since I was 7, nightfeeds since i was 13. So yes I knew, and yes I still had children of my own 😊 and no my family didn't run to my rescue! DP and I managed on our own and were and are very happy in our own home, with our own family. Two DC, by now 3 grandchildren.

Would it have made a difference for you if you had known in advance you would be tired and sometimes feeling lonely? Maybe you feel as if you were tricked into a situation you now can no longer control? But chance is, if you had known, you would still have had your baby. So maybe try and make a new start from there? And don't be too hard on yourself! You're doing great anyway 😘