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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

508 replies

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 06:54

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

  1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).
  1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.
  1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.
  1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.
  1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

OP posts:
Teafor1please · 03/04/2023 06:56

Yeah, no way.

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 06:59

Absolutely not. You can 'be kind' without having someone live with you. And when has she ever been kind to you?

Aquamarine1029 · 03/04/2023 06:59

Stop talking to your brother about this. You've said no, now say this conversation is over and if he brings it up again you're hanging up/walking out. Don't even think about giving into him.

RosesofAmsterdam · 03/04/2023 07:00

The kindest thing you can do in this situation is not let her stay. You'd be being unkind to yourself to put yourself through it. Stick to your guns. Say no.

ChimChimeny · 03/04/2023 07:00

All.you can do.is keep saying no. When DD is pestering me for something & won't stop asking i say to her "I've already said no so stop asking" you could try saying it to your brother.

honeylou42 · 03/04/2023 07:00

No way 🤯

GretaGood · 03/04/2023 07:01

Stand firm. Be very 'kind' and sympathetic to DH, you are so sad about SIls problems, but NO

Original poster
OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 07:01

Floofydawg · 03/04/2023 06:59

Absolutely not. You can 'be kind' without having someone live with you. And when has she ever been kind to you?

Exactly. I'm told she speaks about me kindly & wishes me no malice. It's a shame her behaviour has never reflected that. I can even think about her without my blood starting to boil. There's only so much that can be put down to misunderstandings.

OP posts:
Original poster
OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 07:02

*can't

OP posts:
mummyh2016 · 03/04/2023 07:03

No and I'd send that list to your brother.

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2023 07:03

Now you’ve said no, you don’t need to say it again; if he asks then just repeat yourself that she’s not welcome

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/04/2023 07:04

What a cheeky bastard your brother is!!

Im voting the loading your shit route. I wouldn’t normally say that but in this situation who cares.

Maybe text your brother the list above and say “This is only a handful of the things your wife has done to me. So why on earth would you think I would give a shit about her mental health or have her stay in my home. Don’t text me again about this”.

Given she has been so awful, and it sounds like your brother has allowed it, I wonder why you don’t just loose your shit and then cut contact with them? I can’t imagine you get any value from having someone like that in your life?!

(ps I would usually be reasonable but the list of things she has done is so extreme I think fuck it).

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/04/2023 07:05

*loosing your shit not loading

Phoebo · 03/04/2023 07:05

I'm quite a forgiving and understanding person and it would be a definite NO from me!

Coxspurplepippin · 03/04/2023 07:06

Just keep saying no. It's not your responsibility to make SIL feel better. Why would she want to come and stay with you when she obviously doesn't like you. You could ask DB this and when, as he undoubtedly will, he says 'I don't know where you got that idea from, she loves you ', you can reiterate her behaviour at hospice, funeral, continued put downs etc.

She sounds particularly toxic. Hold your ground, knowing you are absolutely right. 'Be kind' holds no place in this scenario and so many others.

MrsRickAstley · 03/04/2023 07:06

'Be kind' to yourself & stick to your decision.

Not your circus, not your monkeys.

Plus she needs specialist help with her mental health issues, you are not trained (unless you are) and to deal.

SummerLover01 · 03/04/2023 07:07

List out these things to him.

Do it in a WhatsApp where your tone can be neutral and calm and you can take your time to write it all down.

End with a very firm statement.

"just so we're absolutely clear, Karen has consistently behaved in an unaccessible watch around me and under no circumstances will I have her staying with me in my home"

MichelleScarn · 03/04/2023 07:07

Absolutely no, she does not deserve anything from you. If she does come she'll probably expect to be "looked after" and if not to her liking will play the martyr about it. Also could you get her to leave?...

QuintanaRoo · 03/04/2023 07:07

mummyh2016 · 03/04/2023 07:03

No and I'd send that list to your brother.

This, exactly this.

SummerLover01 · 03/04/2023 07:08

SummerLover01 · 03/04/2023 07:07

List out these things to him.

Do it in a WhatsApp where your tone can be neutral and calm and you can take your time to write it all down.

End with a very firm statement.

"just so we're absolutely clear, Karen has consistently behaved in an unaccessible watch around me and under no circumstances will I have her staying with me in my home"

Unaccessible watch unacceptable way

Damn you fat fingers

Original poster
OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 07:09

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/04/2023 07:04

What a cheeky bastard your brother is!!

Im voting the loading your shit route. I wouldn’t normally say that but in this situation who cares.

Maybe text your brother the list above and say “This is only a handful of the things your wife has done to me. So why on earth would you think I would give a shit about her mental health or have her stay in my home. Don’t text me again about this”.

Given she has been so awful, and it sounds like your brother has allowed it, I wonder why you don’t just loose your shit and then cut contact with them? I can’t imagine you get any value from having someone like that in your life?!

(ps I would usually be reasonable but the list of things she has done is so extreme I think fuck it).

Thank you! It's been constantly minimised & glossed over by everyone in the name of peace keeping but it IS extreme stuff in my opinion. You're the first person who's ever come out & said it.

OP posts:
Sortyourlifeout · 03/04/2023 07:09

Not a chance. No way.

Send him a link to Air b'n'b.

SinisterIslandRoundabout · 03/04/2023 07:10

Her mental health is not your problem to solve and he’s just passing the buck.

Does she not have family or friends that she could go to?

Stand firm even if it’s going to cause problems between you and your DB; either way, this won’t end well.

GoodChat · 03/04/2023 07:10

Tell him to book her into a spa if she needs to 'escape the stresses of life'.

GreenIsle · 03/04/2023 07:13

Surely your brother knows you have been avoiding her so why is he asking you.

Also why does she need to stay with you, do you live in an idyllic countryside home. Does he not live with her? So confused

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