Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

I'd explain to him that you have to put your own MH first, and that having her to stay would have an adverse impact on that, especially given the way she has behaved towards you in the past.

And if he tries to play the "she speaks kindly" about you card, tell him that her actions have been anything but kind and have upset and distressed you and you don't want to risk putting yourself in a postition where she can upset you further.

If she needs "a rest from the stresses of life" he should take her on holiday or something. A week somewhere peaceful might make all the difference.

I'm wondering if her behaviour is partly due to her MH though. I know someone who does similar things. They have an EUPD diagnosis, and were previously diagnosed NPD. But even if it is, you still don't have to support her!

If OP has a trebuchet aimed at BD & SILs house, then loading her sh*t would be a good suggestion.

Why is your brother asking you? It seems a strange request even if you did get on. Even more bizarre that he knows you don’t.

I used to be the scapegoat for years but got wise to it. I'm in my 50s now & won't tolerate it. I am, however, usually really laid back which is why I was able to let a lot of things slide... but this 'be kind' shit has proper wound me up.

Obviously you shouldn’t let her stay, but I don’t understand why DB is asking it anyway? Or for how long? If she needs to get away & have someone else do all the cooking & cleaning then there are places for that - they’re called hotels!

I don’t think I’d go apeshit about past incidents but draw a firm line that you’re not taking anymore shit.

If DB does ask again, turn his words back on him ‘No, she can’t stay. It would be bad for MY mental health. It would be helpful to me if you don’t ask again.’

Isn't she his wife?

THIS ⬆

I suspect it's less that your SIL "needs a break", than that your DB is sick to the back teeth of being socially isolated because of her behaviour.

You'd never get rid of her because he wouldn't have her back - there's always be some excuse "There are mice in the kitchen and she's scared of them", "We are having work done and it's too noisy for her", "The hydrangea has come up pink this year and it's her least favourite colour - it might trigger a relapse."

There'll be something. Not your problem.

If necessary let him stop speaking to you forever. You will have lost nothing.

I don’t usually comment on things like this but fuck me, she sounds absolutely toxic and a very nasty person.

Nah, steer clear and stick to your guns. She’s not nice and is not kind.

Mental illness has nothing to do with being nasty. I have mental illness and I am very gentle and a kind person.

Stick to your guns op. She’s awful.

It's rare to see 100% YANBU on over 300 opinions of AIBU but now you know for sure - you are not being unreasonable! Stick to your guns x

If it helps… I agree.

Can’t believe the cheek and entitlement if your brother asking you to take her in. Does he need a break?

Fuck it, let them deal with the consequences of their actions. It will be good for them I assure you, whatever the outcome.

Fuck that. It would be a 'no' from me too! If others in the family would like to "keep the peace", suggest SIL lives with them instead - I bet that would shut them up!

In terms of replying to your brother "hi, sorry but the historic relationship with SIL means I don't have the mental or emotional capacity to have her live with me. Sorry if that doesn't help you, but I hope you find a solution".

No one would ask this of anyone, so no one is going to accuse you of being unkind. It sounds very much like your brother is sick of her and wants her out and thinks once she is in your home you won’t have the guts to throw her out.
Tell him absolutely not and point out she has her own family.
As an aside, if she really is suffering from MH and your brothers way of supporting her is booting her out it sounds like like they are well suited personality wise.

Regardless of whether you get on or not having someone stay in your home is a big ask, throw in mental health difficulties and her frankly nonsense behaviour and it would be a hard “no” from me. There’s no obligation to be kind to anyone at your own expense - we could all do with a break away from the stresses of life. For most of us that means taking a weekend away or a holiday, not pitching up at extended family indefinitely.

He needs to find another way, I’d also be asking why staying with you even entered his head given her behaviour - that wasn’t being kind. I’d tell him no without a second thought. And if I had to lose my shit to be heard, then so be it.

Same here.

Then grey rock him, too.

Both she and he sound like right pieces of work!

How would it help her mental health to stay where she is not wanted anyway?

Tempting though it is to send a list of her misdeeds, I would reply only this: the answer is NO and the matter is closed.

Who cares if your DB doesn’t like the answer. Seems he cares little for you, if he is trying to fob his toxic wife off on you.

You're already being "kind" in tolerating her presence in your life at all. You've already tried to "make things easy" for your brother by not cutting her out altogether. He clearly has no appreciation for that, doesn't see/care about the things she has done to you and just wants more and more from you. If she moves in with you, that probably won't be enough either.

The pair of them are as bad as each other. You are NOT being unreasonable.

‘Dear DBro

After every vicious, spiteful and damaging thing your wife has done to me (do let me know if you’d like me to list them) I’m astounded that you are placing some kind of expectation on me to be ‘nice’ and ‘helpful’ towards the pair of you. Frankly you’re lucky I give either of you the time of day and I’m beyond hurt that you are attempting to emotionally blackmail me to put aside my own hurt and the trauma caused to me by your wife’s actions in order to make your life easier. Why you think for one second I would accommodate her in my home is beyond me and you have some cheek to ask. I trust this will be the end of the matter.’

And no, don’t give him reasons why you cannot have her with you, just reply with the following:
Are you joking?
Can’t believe you are asking me that
Nope, sorry, can’t.

Then change the topic, don’t enter into any discussions that make you feel under further pressure.

Why you? Why would staying in your home help her??

What a bizarre request.

What stresses and strains is she getting away from? You should just say no, but you could also tell your DB that you don’t think that being a member of your household would be any less stressful than being a member of her own.

If you do want to help (and they sound as bad as each other so I wouldn’t!) could you offer to have any DCs for a sleepover or something like that to “give them a break”?

What a nasty piece of work she is.

She clearly has issues with you so why does she even want to come and stay???

Absolutely not.

That list is shocking.

OP, tell your brother "absolutely not, under any circumstances due to her years of appalling behaviour. Do not suggest this again".

Then OP, do not engage in any further discussion with him.

Silence is your friend here.

Step away from him and consider going either extremely low contact, or no contact.

These type add nothing to your life.

Guard your peace ruthlessly.

Why is he so keen to get his wife out of his house?

She reported you to the police and prevented you from spending time with your mother in her last moments

shes a cow !!!! Your brother is no better to be honest