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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

508 replies

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 06:54

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

  1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).
  1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.
  1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.
  1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.
  1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

OP posts:
FragranceFree · 03/04/2023 07:14

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/04/2023 07:04

What a cheeky bastard your brother is!!

Im voting the loading your shit route. I wouldn’t normally say that but in this situation who cares.

Maybe text your brother the list above and say “This is only a handful of the things your wife has done to me. So why on earth would you think I would give a shit about her mental health or have her stay in my home. Don’t text me again about this”.

Given she has been so awful, and it sounds like your brother has allowed it, I wonder why you don’t just loose your shit and then cut contact with them? I can’t imagine you get any value from having someone like that in your life?!

(ps I would usually be reasonable but the list of things she has done is so extreme I think fuck it).

I wouldn't do this, I'd be the better person. That does not mean having her to stay, maybe send flowers but keep very boundaried.

Are you the family scapegoat?

FragranceFree · 03/04/2023 07:15

GoodChat · 03/04/2023 07:10

Tell him to book her into a spa if she needs to 'escape the stresses of life'.

This is a really good idea.

AlisonDonut · 03/04/2023 07:17

'I am being nice, if she came to stay she'd end up under the patio.'

PoorMrsNorris · 03/04/2023 07:17

He honestly sounds like he's trying to have a break from her... but he's picked the wrong person to foist her off on!

'Sorry DB, I love you but since
(Insert list)
All the above has happened I need to prioritise my mental health and be kind to myself and my family.
If you're struggling perhaps you need to have a chat with a counsellor or solicitor?'

timetorefresh · 03/04/2023 07:18

I assume she lives with him? Why does he not want her in his home?

nomoremerlot · 03/04/2023 07:20

And what about your MH, this is a hard no!

BMW6 · 03/04/2023 07:21

Why is your brother happy for his wife to be so bloody horrible to you??

Does he secretly enjoy her putting you down? What was your relationship with him like before she came in the mix?

WhenDovesFly · 03/04/2023 07:21

Be frank with your brother:

"My own mental health has suffered over the years due to the way SIL has behaved towards me. Has anyone shown any consideration to me? No, it has all been minimised and treated as 'joking'. I don't feel charitable enough to help out so please do not ask again as the answer remains 'no'."

Turangawaewae · 03/04/2023 07:21

Your brother seems to think 'be kind' means 'have no boundaries' and 'do whatever I want'.

It doesn't. Wish her well but tell him you will not be having her to stay.

I wouldn't list her issues in writing as that just opens the door to discussion and may come back to bite you in the future.

Marchforward · 03/04/2023 07:22

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/04/2023 07:04

What a cheeky bastard your brother is!!

Im voting the loading your shit route. I wouldn’t normally say that but in this situation who cares.

Maybe text your brother the list above and say “This is only a handful of the things your wife has done to me. So why on earth would you think I would give a shit about her mental health or have her stay in my home. Don’t text me again about this”.

Given she has been so awful, and it sounds like your brother has allowed it, I wonder why you don’t just loose your shit and then cut contact with them? I can’t imagine you get any value from having someone like that in your life?!

(ps I would usually be reasonable but the list of things she has done is so extreme I think fuck it).

I would send the list and say you need to protect your own mental health so no she can’t come and stay.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 03/04/2023 07:23

You are a kind person, you've tried to be kind. That is so clear in your examples.
You didn't get her removed from the hospice, you gave her your place in the funeral car.
You have tried very hard to keep the peace.
In no way would her living with you do either of you any favours.

Weallgottachangesometime · 03/04/2023 07:23

BMW6 · 03/04/2023 07:21

Why is your brother happy for his wife to be so bloody horrible to you??

Does he secretly enjoy her putting you down? What was your relationship with him like before she came in the mix?

This.
your brother is the problem too. Why didn’t he step in when she kicked you out the funeral car or stopped you being alone with you dying parent.

Does he actively enjoy the way she treats you or is he controlled by her?

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2023 07:24

I would be honest and say you don't like her and she isn't welcome in your home.
Tell him to pack her off to her own family if needs be or pay for a hotel, you aren't running a guest house or psychiatric unit.

Hesma · 03/04/2023 07:25

If he can’t cope with her MH issues why should he expect you to? Needing a break from the stresses of life sounds like you’ll be expected to wait in her hand and foot… no way! If she needs a break she should go on holiday

QuintanaRoo · 03/04/2023 07:26

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 07:01

Exactly. I'm told she speaks about me kindly & wishes me no malice. It's a shame her behaviour has never reflected that. I can even think about her without my blood starting to boil. There's only so much that can be put down to misunderstandings.

Show quote history

Next time someone says that point out that actions speak louder than words. That you judge her on what she does not what she says and she is consistently horrible to you.

Mothership4two · 03/04/2023 07:26

Well it would be a firm "no f*ing way" from me and a refusal to discuss it further.

On past form there is no knowing what damage she would do if she and the brother got their way and she moved in. The brother has no power over the OP.

MichelleScarn · 03/04/2023 07:26

Turangawaewae · 03/04/2023 07:21

Your brother seems to think 'be kind' means 'have no boundaries' and 'do whatever I want'.

It doesn't. Wish her well but tell him you will not be having her to stay.

I wouldn't list her issues in writing as that just opens the door to discussion and may come back to bite you in the future.

@Turangawaewae your definition seems to be what most people expect 'be kind' to mean these days!

Itstillgoeson · 03/04/2023 07:28

You need to protect your own mental health after all that!

DisforDarkChocolate · 03/04/2023 07:29

You need to start grey rocking your bloody brother. He's being fecking ridiculous.

custardbear · 03/04/2023 07:29

Stuff that, she can stay with someone else!

whowhatwerewhy · 03/04/2023 07:31

@Weallgottachangesometime
Is spot on , tell your DB all the hurt she has caused you , make it clear that her actions have affected your mental health and no amount of him trying to gloss it over will make you change your mind .
Say you need to prioritise your own mental health.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 03/04/2023 07:32

I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this
You've been more than tolerant of her. She'd have received a few home truths well before now from me.
Sorry for the loss of your mum. Flowers

OrangeRhymesWith · 03/04/2023 07:32

It sounds like she enjoys upsetting you and messing with your mind by speaking well of you to others.

you do the Grey rock routine with her has robbed her of that enjoyment. She's looking for more access to you.

your brother's comment about being kind shows that they both know being seen as kind is important to you and use this to manipulate you. Grey rock your brother too.

im sorry about the loss of your mother and that you've been bullied and treated horribly when she was sick

xsquared · 03/04/2023 07:32

"Be Kind" is overused and abused by those who want to silence others in calling out shitty behaviour.

You be kind to yourself and continue to stand your ground about not letting her stay. It's not your responsibility to babysit her, and perhaps they know nobody else wants to either. They have some real nerve asking you after the way she's treated you.

GretaGood · 03/04/2023 07:33

I don't think I would get into a debate about past grievances - it can all be minimised and also can cause ongoing arguing.

Just a no is enough.