Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

The sooner you stop giving a damn if anybody thinks you're mean or not the better it will go for you.

"no and stop asking."

Not a chance. Stay strong.

Do you have to go to the wedding? If you do surround yourself with those who know what she's put you through and who believe you. People like her have this way of making themselves always the victim no matter what and they get under people's skins and leave them second guessing as to who is really the wrong one. Be careful and look out for yourself because you matter.
Sorry about your mum and dad, and I'm really sorry you have a sil like her. I had a sister like it and was not sad when she died.

Did your Brother message you asking about SIL staying or did you actually speak to him ?

Seriously I would have cut that woman out of my life a long time ago after telling her exactly what I thought of her and her bullshit...

If your brother wants to stay married to a raving lunatic, that's his choice.

You thankfully don't have to put up with her.

I would not waste anymore time and energy on her.

You will know them by their fruit.

and her’s is rotten.

Write to your brother and explain, just as you explained here, why the answer is no. If he still thinks you are the unkind one then that’s his issue.

Wow! Was a horrible person your SIL is! Is she a former teacher by any chance, she sounds like someone I used to work with 😂

The whole 'be kind' rhetoric boils my piss. I'm not inclined to 'be kind' to cunts like your sister-in-law and there appears to be zero reasons, given the litany of shit things she's done to you, that you should be either.

WOW!! Amazing, perfect, response, OP.

Also, your brother sounds like one half of an Olympic Wanking Duo. Twats of a feather stick together.

Is anyone else a bit jawdrop at the reply;

"I think that she's changed her mind anyway"

It feels like he believes it was in her power to make you accomodate her regardless of your opinion on it, but its fine now because she has decided she doesn't want that to happen ?

If indeed it is your Brother sending the message.

You’ve said no, there’s nothing more to say. She sounds absolutely vile so why would you allow her in your home, she clearly doesn’t like you so why would she want to be? Your brother obviously knows you have issues so he shouldn’t be putting you in that position. You’ve said no, that should be the end of it!

Given our history DB, the kindest thing I can do for SIL is to keep my distance, but I wish her all the best.

Escaping the stresses of life sounds like she needs to check herself into a suitable facility.

Stresses of life can be anything from cooking to household chores, so does that mean you will be expected to pick up after her while she doesn't lift a finger?

You need to be honest with your brother and about how this would impact your own MH. You are not a carer.

Can you say “I’m not feeling too well myself at the moment, so I’m not going to be able to have her to stay’?

Definitely no .

I can totally empathise!
I have a SIL who is equally as manipulative and destructive.
my SIL used to email me slagging off other members of the family…. Hated that I defended people and didn’t join in. Used to literally shut me down if I disagreed with her… her emails were often nasty.
We fell out and haven’t had contact for 10 years… she did try to email everyone else and turn them against me though. She made me and my sister fall out, but eventually everyone has seen her…. I ignored her hateful emails, eventually she got bored and showed herself to others…. No one likes her now and she’s isolated my brother…. Doesn’t let anyone see their kids… she’s a hideous person!
I have to say if my brother asked me to put up with her for even an hour I’d politely decline, if he asked if she could stay with me I’d be saying ‘I love you bro, but for MY mental health I can’t accommodate her!

And I have to add… you sound lovely!! If my SIL came to visit a dying relative and wouldn’t let me have time alone with them I would physically remove her or ask staff to get rid!

Absolutely NOT!

Hosting someone that's stressed out and has mental health issues sounds very difficult. Adding that she's jealous of you, your life, your accomplishments, and wants to make herself feel better by making you feel like crap, O boy! Who wouldn't want to willingly invite that into their home?

Wow no way would I let her stay and looking at the Ksrma as she's getting what she deserved . Everything she's, done to you is vile, and I would definitely remind your brother of this, I'd be worried too that if she came to my house she would still be nasty and make my life hell,, MH issue or not,

She needs counselling not a holiday . Stick to your guns and don't for a second feel guilty for saying no ,( maybe your brother just wants to get rid of her too for a while lol )

God no way.
You've said no once.
Say NO again, send your brother the list and say 'it's not about forgiving or being the 'good' one it's about protecting me and my family's mental health."

All odd but we won’t get answers to your valid questions I suspect. I always would be so curious to hear other family members view on the situation

I have been in a similar situation only it was my DH's brother asking of me to take care of his girlfriend with severe mental issues. At that time I had 2 young children at home. My DH talked to his brother and demanded of him to not ask the impossible of me, that his girlfriend needed professional help and that the impact of her on our family would be unreasonably high. They were still welcome to visit, eat with us (BiL loved that) and spend the evening, but not more than that. Eventually BiL agreed. Over the years we've grown apart, the woman in question is jealous of my good relation with her partner - of ány friend of his. They live very isolated and practically alone now.

Your brother should “be kind” to his sister- you! He should understand and respect your decision on this. As pp have said, perhaps send your list to him, as a reminder of “how kind”, his own wife is to you. Why can’t he himself, take her away for a 2 week “holiday”, be it airbnb or otherwise, just to get away from it all? I’m sorry but not being able to go in the funeral vehicle with your siblings and having to drive yourself because of her, would’ve been my tin lid! And that’s apart from all the other facts you’ve listed. She’s outrageous in her actions! How on earth can he assume or expect that you would say yes to such a request is beyond me. I wish you well in this scenario.. 🙏🏻

Wow! She sounds like she needs some professional mental help. I wouldn’t have her anywhere near you if I were you.