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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

508 replies

OooWhatAWhopper · 03/04/2023 06:54

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

  1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).
  1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.
  1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.
  1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.
  1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 07:33

Her mental health improvements would come with at a significant detriment to your mental health. Absofuckinglutely not.

EmpressOfTheSofa · 03/04/2023 07:33

I really don’t get on with my SIL and what she’s done is far pettier and easier to forgive (I won’t).

The woman reported you to the police three times, maliciously (?). The rest is also objectively awful but that would be enough of a hard line.

How has that been excused/waves away?

Hudsonriver · 03/04/2023 07:33

Don't send a list of stuff she has done.

It's drawing you back into " her game"
Dont do it !
That's exactly what she wants-to continue the drama.

" No that doesn't work for me"
Think about why you don't want to be seen as unkind, people pleasing etc
How they see you is none of your business.
Don't get drawn back in!

TheGreatest · 03/04/2023 07:33

Honestly, she sounds unhinged! Totally obsessed with bringing you down so she can feel better.

She's clearly very envious of you. As you've been keeping her at a distance, I wonder if she's manipulated all this 'bad mental health' and just wants to get closer again to have more material to bring you down.

I'd reply to your brother very firmly, that you're not a mental health facility and send a link for the Samaritans.

Your brother is an appalling person for allowing her behaviour. What a coward.

ShandaLear · 03/04/2023 07:34

’No, I need to protect my own mental health, brother, and your wife has continually trampled over my boundaries and belittled me by, for example…(give the examples here). I am wary of even being in the same room as her so having her actually living with me is completely out of the question.’

determinedtomakethiswork · 03/04/2023 07:34

I couldn't forgive any of those things but her behaviour in the hospice was absolutely despicable.

pickledandpuzzled · 03/04/2023 07:34

"Sorry Bro,
We'd all like a rest from the stresses of life, and your wife staying here would be wildly stressful given her behaviour over the years.
Are you trying to farm her out because you are fed up with her too?"

CecilyP · 03/04/2023 07:34

It seems quite an odd ask even if you got on okay. Is it normal for a man to ask for his wife to go and stay with his sister? Even stranger when he knows they don’t get in!

lionsleepstonight · 03/04/2023 07:35

OrangeRhymesWith · 03/04/2023 07:32

It sounds like she enjoys upsetting you and messing with your mind by speaking well of you to others.

you do the Grey rock routine with her has robbed her of that enjoyment. She's looking for more access to you.

your brother's comment about being kind shows that they both know being seen as kind is important to you and use this to manipulate you. Grey rock your brother too.

im sorry about the loss of your mother and that you've been bullied and treated horribly when she was sick

I completely agree with this! The grey rock approach has worked! It's also got to her, to the point she wants to stay with you to have access to do more horrible things.

Stand firm. You've got 100% of mumsnet behind you.

ohfook · 03/04/2023 07:37

Just tell him her current mental health issues are clearly showing you that people need to protect their own mental health at all costs. It would be very detrimental to your mental health to have someone who'd done you so much harm in your home. You're not being unkind; just protecting yourself.

Killingmytime · 03/04/2023 07:37

SummerLover01 · 03/04/2023 07:07

List out these things to him.

Do it in a WhatsApp where your tone can be neutral and calm and you can take your time to write it all down.

End with a very firm statement.

"just so we're absolutely clear, Karen has consistently behaved in an unaccessible watch around me and under no circumstances will I have her staying with me in my home"

This, list everything ( though i may not be as nice about it!)

don’t i’ve ever seen a poll ever this clear!

VaddaABeetch · 03/04/2023 07:38

I’d laugh & say wouldn’t we all like a break from the stresses of life. Of course SIL can’t stay here. That wouldn’t work at all. Don’t be silly
Don’t list all the stuff, they’ll just argue with you.

have a prepared statement & repeat if necessary.

If flying monkeys are sent to ‘work’ on you repeat the same statement.

pussycatinfluffyslippers · 03/04/2023 07:38

pickledandpuzzled · 03/04/2023 07:34

"Sorry Bro,
We'd all like a rest from the stresses of life, and your wife staying here would be wildly stressful given her behaviour over the years.
Are you trying to farm her out because you are fed up with her too?"

Grin

He's not "being kind" to her if he's trying to fob her off on you, is he, OP? He just wants you to look after her so he has a quiet life.

ohfook · 03/04/2023 07:38

Shoxfordian · 03/04/2023 07:03

Now you’ve said no, you don’t need to say it again; if he asks then just repeat yourself that she’s not welcome

You've had my answer. It's unlikely that I'll change my mind but I'll contact you if I do.

1ittlegreen · 03/04/2023 07:39

Could you just explain that due to the fact her presence makes you feel physically sick you won't be hosting her 'me time'?

Ragwort · 03/04/2023 07:39

What is the context of him trying to offload her on to you? Why isn't he caring for her? From what you've said she probably even wouldn't want to stay with you. What a bizarre request from your DB.

Thisisworsethananticpated · 03/04/2023 07:40

Just no ! Your DB is a major problem if he can’t see this is a major issue
shes totally fucked you over !!

i have no idea how to communicate this
others will
but not BU at all

gloriousmulch · 03/04/2023 07:41

Obviously you’re right to say no. I’m intrigued about what your brother thinks she’ll gain from staying with you and why it’s felt to be the best option.

WonderingWanda · 03/04/2023 07:41

To be honest your brother sounds like an enabling twat as well so I don't think it's any great loss if he gets pissed off with you. You can live without all this pressure and negativity in your life. If her mental health is so bad she needs medical help not to move in with her sil. Don't be guilted into this op by the vomit inducing #bekind mantra. You don't have to fix everyone else and she has been nothing but vile to you. Time to stick up for yourself.

Luredbyapomegranate · 03/04/2023 07:41

I’d add your brother to the grey rock list

but not before reminding him that sending his wife to live with you isn’t a viable alternative to divorce

Mischance · 03/04/2023 07:42

You must say no - as indeed you already have done.

I have a SIL (late OH's sister) who is all sweetness and light on the surface, but she makes my flesh creep. She inveigled money out of her father by offering him a home in one of their French gites (which puzzled us all as they did not get on) and when he died I discovered that she had done this on condition he helped to pay for the gite renovations - she took the money; then when she got fed up with him she rang us and said he was dying and she had arranged to send him back to UK to live in our house! - and sure enough he fetched up on our doorstep. Definitely not dying! - fit as a flea! He was not an easy man and it caused endless trouble - I had to organise for him to live somewhere else which was a difficult thing to do as he was getting on a bit and I did not want to be cruel, but family life was heading down the pan.

And at my OH's funeral she stood by the grave as he was being buried and said, in a dismissive shrug-the-shoulders way that she was not going to be buried - much better to have cremation. Well thanks for that.

Sometimes people do things that really cut deep for us,

hallodarknessmyoldfriend · 03/04/2023 07:43

I would just keep saying no and remind him of all the horrible things she's done to you.

If he keeps bringing it up, I would say that due to her past behaviour you can't risk your own mental health by hosting her.

If she is so unwell why does he want her out of his house so badly?

Stoic123 · 03/04/2023 07:44

Don't get caught up in the details - it will lead to a debate about whether X is that bad or if you've interpreted Y correctly.

Sound like he wants a break from her but it's not your job to provide that.

As PP have said - just hold firm and say that the visit would impact your metal health. You choose to protect your health and he'll need to find another option. Then say you refuse to discuss further.

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 07:44

Your brother is being lazy too - he’s throwing all responsibility for refusing to have his bonkers (evil) sister stay at your home over to you. “I’m sorry… I wanted you to stay, but @OooWhatAWhopper didn't. I thought she liked you, but whatever… What do you want me to do?”

Noicant · 03/04/2023 07:47

She’s really unhinged. My being kind to her would be not talking to her because I’d be tempted to leash hell on her anytime she was anywhere near me.

Honestly I could maybe forgive one of those if someone wasn’t well (and I mean genuinely forgive, I’ve had poor mental health myself and can see how someone can fuck up) but it looks like she’s actively targeting you.