Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

Your latest post doesn't change anything. I run my own business using a particular set of skills. I have very firm boundaries about people who would like to take advantage of that for free, the answer is either no or here is a list of my fees, terms and conditions.

I would avoid any discussion beyond "That doesn't work for me".

I hope your children are not old enough for your brother to try to manipulate them.

Respectfully No. Suggest brother seeks professional advice.

Putting two people who have such a difficult relationship in the same living space together would be very unhealthy.
Your brother has no regard for your happiness or wellbeing.

"No. I've told you that Joyce can't come to stay. She has hurt me too much. I can't help her. Don't ask me again".

I like this response. It’s clear but it doesn’t actually list the stuff she’s done.

Apart from anything else, having her live with someone who can’t stand her isn’t kind. It’s weird and creepy.

"I can't possibly support your wife when I despise everything about her, including the fact she is married to my brother. She's your problem. "

I cannot in a million years imagine my brother allowing a spouse to treat his family this way and in so sorry for what this dreadful woman has put you through. Those things can never be taken back or fixed.

Surely this is a situation where telling him to fuck right off is acceptable. I'd have laughed at him and asked was he joking 🤣

Flat no.

It also sounds like SIL is trying to escalate things because she's not getting a reaction from you.

It is not a good idea to spend any time with her.

Her behaviour is utterly unacceptable - you ‘being kind’ will not fix her. She sounds manipulative and your DB sounds oblivious. I think the less you can say whilst continuing to say no would for the best. You don’t need to explain yourself or give a list of examples to back up why you are saying no. Just a ‘no that wouldn’t be possible for me and my DC’ type response. Really feel for you- being part of a family needs compromise and understanding at times but her behaviour is way beyond all of that! Take care of your self 🌷

I would use his 'be kind ' right back at him:

To be kind, I think SIL needs serious psychological help which I am not qualified to give.
The behaviours she has exhibited over the years (list examples) have been completely unacceptable.
I'm glad that you now see she really does need help but I am not the person to provide this.

Absolutely no way. I have a similarly difficult sil and the crap I put up with over the years was minimised and backed up by my brother, who equally treated me abysmally. I didn’t bother to complain as it was no point and my treatment was denied and justified. I am surprised you’re still in contact with your brother after all of that. If your brother doesn’t want to live with his wife anymore, the obvious solution is divorce. If he does, he needs to put his hand in his pocket and organise a stay at the priory or a spa hotel if she’s up to that.

You don’t need to say anything more than. ‘No, I cannot help you. It would be very bad for my mental health. I hope you sort something else out.’ Much as you want to explain, it won’t work. He’s looking to offload and he isn’t and never has been in a place to process your needs. But please feel free to talk as much as you like on here about what happened. It can be very cathartic.

Your DB isn’t being kind by harassing you. It goes both ways.
Bad MH or not, sounds like a nightmare so stand your ground.

Can you have her sectioned for a few years .. after what she did to you and your mum I’d be so tempted, fuck her.

Tell him that you are struggling with your own mental health at the moment - you are. This is causing you real stress and upset and could become very difficult for you if she came to stay.

I would have literally laughed and said no way and that would have been the end of it. How on earth do people get themselves into these situations?!

You don't have to give any reasons.
"No I can't do that" is enough.

If you are an AMHP I would say that's even more reason to keep your distance. As a fellow MH professional if someone said to me can a family member who is acutely ill come and stay I'd say absolutely not due to professional boundaries. I definitely could not help, I would be professionally obligated to redirect them to statutory services if I had any concerns, if it wasn't their local area it could cause all kinds of problems. It's not a fair thing to ask of any family member but perversely I'm the last person you want looking after your teen who self-harms for example.

I can understand why you are angry (it's the classic is she mentally ill or just a horrible person, sounds like she could be both) but even if she was lovely and you wanted to help it sounds like a terrible idea.

This with bells on.

Your job doesn't make any difference to the situation, in fact it makes it even more cheeky that he's asked! How dare he!

Anyone with respect wouldn't want to take advantage and also wouldn't want to put on you, as it's your job you don't need to be 'at work' at home too.

I'd still reply that you're not a mental health facility and signpost him to elsewhere.

If you did help her, she'd only turn it around and blame you for all her issues anyway, which I'm sure you know!

Your priorities are your children and your own well being. Your DB is out of order expecting you to take her on. Tell him to find professional help for her, she’s his responsibility not yours!

Don't apologise and don't explain. He knows. Send a link or two to counselling services she could access.

Just remember your brother has enabled her behaviour so is just as much of a problem as she is imho.

Just send him a text saying:

my answer is no and I won't be discussing this matter anymore. If you don't want to damage our relationship irreparably I suggest you leave it alone.

Is her relationship with your brother abusive?

My guess is that this is just another incidence of sabotage you can add to your list. Your SIL has probably decided to create conflict between you and your brother in order to break down your relationship with him. She knows full-well that you have been grey rocking her, will maintain appropriate boundaries and therefore will decline the request.

He won't be able to see this, of course. All he will see is a wife who is struggling and telling him she desperately needs a break and the support his kind, laid back sister can provide. She will be putting huge pressure on him; weeping and wailing about how awful it is that you won't support her in her hour of need.

Stand your ground while also offering advice and signposting to appropriate mental health services and gentle support for him to place some responsibility back on her for her own mental wellbeing. Be kind and supportive to him and avoid criticising her so she doesn't manage to cause a rift between the two of you.

Well done for the last two years. She sounds like a horrible person. The stuff you have described is actually quite shocking when I went back and read it.

You are being completely reasonable and just keep politely repeated to your brother 'Sorry the answer is no, SIL behaviour towards me has been very upsetting and I dont want her around myself or the kids. '

Also, you're not running the bloody Priory.

Doesn't make any difference. In this situation, I think even Sigmund Freud would be a firm no.