Told to 'be kind' to trouble causing SIL.

[OooWhatAWhopper]

Brother has asked if SIL can come & stay with me for a while. Apparently her mental health is bad & she 'needs a rest from the stresses of life'. SIL & I don't get on, she has constantly attempted to sabotage family relationships & in my (bitter) opinion, her failing MH is well deserved karma - the scores of people she has upset has finally resulted in her being isolated & being given a wide berth by everyone.

I've said 'no' & I mean it & will stick to my guns, but what has really pissed me off is DB saying: 'you being nice about this will be ever so helpful to me'. It feels like a veiled threat, 'if you don't forgive & forget then you're the bad one'.

For context, just a few of the things SIL has done within the last 5 years. And this is just the tip of the iceberg:

1. Reported me to the police in lock down 3 times (I didn't break any rules).

1. Put my boyfriend on a dating site. This caused a lot of upset, she said it was a joke.

1. Refused to allow me any time alone with my dying mother. She knew when I'd be visiting the hospice, because I needed to arrange childcare, & would always be there & refuse to leave the room.

1. Funeral cars only had room for our dad & my siblings & I, but she made such a fuss, I let her have my place & drove myself.

1. Has publicly made fun of anything positive in my life. New hair do, new glasses, kids achievements, my postgrad graduation etc.

I've been grey rock with her for 2 years now but it's not been easy to do because she's constantly tried to push into my life. I refuse to be labelled as 'bad' if I won't 'be kind' to this person. AIBU? And how on earth do I voice my position in a calm & rational manner to my DB? Ordinarily I have no problem being assertive & sensible but I'm bordering on loosing my shit over this, hence needing some perspective before screaming 'no way' at him & looking unhinged.

It is unbelievably and blatantly another toxic manipulation move that SIL has chosen your house I think.

I would write a message and tell your DB he can do one.

Maybe this is SIL latest way of getting to you. She’s suggested it to DB, knowing that it will cause trouble. Whether you take her in and she can enjoy winding you up, or you say No & fall out with your brother, it’s a win for her.

Don’t send your brother a list of incidents, she will just enjoy the drama & knowing all the ways she upset you. Stick to calm but firm ‘No, that doesn’t work for me’.

I'm going to get flamed for drip feeding here, sorry. I should have said in the OP that I'm an AMHP (approved mental health practitioner) qualified social worker. But that doesn't mean I offer in patient care! I live alone with my kids, home is where I unwind.

Just say no.
Don't explain. Don't feed the drama created by them.

It's a no from me too. Tell him he should send her on a relaxing retreat for a rest, you have things to do.

They both sound poisonous. Your brother has let these awful things slide - why? Why hasn’t he been ‘kind’ to you in the past?

I agree with PPs that there’s something very odd about the way he’s trying to get her out of the house.

I’d go NC with them both, because he’s let you down repeatedly and is now trying to emotionally blackmail you into a totally outrageous scenario.

Tell him you are being kind, considering her past behavior it is clear there is not a healthy respectful relationship there. It's better for both of your mental health to not be around each other for any length of time. Suggest at this point it would be probably be best for her to seek professional help.

No means no , it's very simple really .

That doesn't mean you should in any way be expected to overlook all your SILs previous toxic behavior & take on responsibility for her. You're a social worker not a saint!

Your job makes no difference to my opinion that YANBU

It's not a drip feed because it doesn't change anything. That list is awful and I recommend you send it to him.

And home is where one of you could end up being seriously hurt (literally!) if you took this toxic, spiteful individual in. I could honestly see it coming to blows if the pair of you were together under one roof for an extended period od time - or that she would call the police and say you'd threatened her, or even do something like hurting herself and saying you attacked her - she sounds absolutely unhinged..

You are very wise to stand your ground.

Just read this one OP! So when she reported you to the police she could have got you into trouble with your job and affected other people with MH issues.
Definitely no. It would be a lot to ask of anyone, but definitely too much given the history. You would end up blamed if she didn't feel better and its too much around a demanding job and kids.

I think that might give these losers the impression that you have endless tolerance and care to give. And allows your selfish brother to believe you’d become a career for his horrible wife.

Stick with no, don’t get into detail. Ideally just block them both and enjoy the peace.

Hi Bro, I don’t have the mental resources to cope with her. She needs professional mental health support so I suggest you get in touch with the Samaritans to seek advice.

Oh, well that makes it easier then.

Your professional insurance/indemnity/registration means you can't be in a position of providing unregistered domiciliary care.

Also you don't want to!

Tell him you're being kind to yourself and your children and your capacity for being kind to his wife disappeared when she did (list).

Apart from anything if she needs a mental health restorative break, why would the house of someone she doesn't get on with serve that purpose? It'd make me miserable. Bad for her as well as you!

He should be kind to you and keep her away from you. He is being a prick.

Ahh - sorry, cross post. In that case you could just say it is unethical and inappropriate for you to support family members in that way.

Being a Mental Health Care Practitioner is even more reason for SIL not to come.

You can’t treat family.

All it is is she's behaving so badly in her own home that he wants someone else to take her in.

She is really dangerous. I’d struggle to be in a room with her for an afternoon in someone else’s house. No way would I let her stay. This is the first survey I’ve seen where 100% of voters have said YANBU. Even if she was the nicest person in the world it’s ok to say “no, you can’t stay with me”.

Why does he want her out? Like really want her out I mean?

You don’t need to stay calm on this, he’s pushing so let him really know.

So, if she needs " a break from the stresses and strains of life," is he meaning that he is expecting you to run around after her like a fucking maid?

Yeah no. Just shut it down with ‘no, that won’t work’ and don’t go into the reasons.

He already knows this is an unreasonable ask, hence the ‘be kind’ gaslighting bullshit. listing reasons just gives them an opportunity to continue down that path and turns it into a discussion. There is no discussion to be had.