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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

805 replies

CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 19:10

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

OP posts:
Exl · 01/04/2023 19:12

Wow well if it’s an unusual name then she’s a total bitch.

Very sorry for your loss. 😢

Reinventinganna · 01/04/2023 19:14

If it was a common name, Anna for example I think maybe it would be insensitive but not so bad but if it’s a very unusual name then I agree it’s incredibly hurtful.

Original poster
CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 19:15

It’s not a common name. If anything it’s probably quite unpopular thanks to a certain Queen consort with divisive popularity. I actually don’t care if this is identifying on second thoughts.

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 01/04/2023 19:16

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw.

How does this impact your marriage exactly? It's not your husband's fault she uses this name.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though.

What would you expect him to say, and how could anything he said possibly change anything? I don't think you're being very fair to him on this one.

Suzi888 · 01/04/2023 19:17

I am so sorry for your loss 💐 is there any way you can re frame this as a living testament to your loved one, keeping the memory alive in the form of a new child.

Realistically there’s absolutely nothing you can do (nor your DH or anyone really).
Men can let things go far more easily/ doing things for an easy life. Don’t let it come between you and your DH.

Twin sister sounds like a shit stabbing bitch …. Let her actions wash over you. Let it go as best you can.

Ludo19 · 01/04/2023 19:17

I'm so very sorry for your loss of your sister/parent OP.

If it is an unusual name then I hate to say that it's been intentional but (and I'm playing devil's advocate here) that she's done it in some way to honour your sisters memory? If that isn't the case, then maybe a bit of a discussion first to see if it was okay. I know names are a personal choice but if it held something to you maybe that wouldn't have been an unreasonable solution.

HeddaGarbled · 01/04/2023 19:17

Does she know/remember that it was your late sister’s name? Might she think you would find it touching, in the same way that people use deceased relatives’ names to ‘honour’ them?

GrazingSheep · 01/04/2023 19:18

Camilla is going to be popular baby name this year.

Cotswoldmama · 01/04/2023 19:18

I thought this was going to be one of those 'my second cousin twice removed has named her daughter the name I always wanted to use threads' in which case I would say a name is a name get over it. But this is very different, i think it's odd she'd even consider it, and if she really had always liked the name wouldn't it have come up before?! I don't think you are being unreasonable in the slightest.

GrazingSheep · 01/04/2023 19:18

Among people who are fans of the royal family that is

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2023 19:20

I’m so much on the fence I’ve got splinters. I completely get how much this hurts and that it’s opened a wound and poured salt in it. It’s entirely understandable. On the other hand, you could frame it as honouring your sister. Unpopular as you might perceive that Royal lady, not everyone feels that way and I suspect there might be a few little girls with it in the next few years.

I’m truly sorry it’s hurt you so much. 💐

Whataretheodds · 01/04/2023 19:22

I'm sorry you are being reminded of a painful loss. It sounds as though your issues with your SIL hugely predate the name. Understandably- she doesn't sound super-welcoming which is a shame of she cares so much about your DH.

Clearly your grief for your sister - who was sister and more to you, and who died too young - will run deep.

If her name was Camilla then that's not a hugely unusual name, might it be more helpful to assume she was thoughtless rather than deliberately cruel. If she qas deliberate then you can't do anything about her behaviour, and it says much more about her than anyone else.

Keeween · 01/04/2023 19:22

I don’t think YABU as such in feeling the way you do but I don’t think this was necessarily meant to be the personal affront that you’ve taken it to be. It isn’t the most unusual name in the world, I know several in fact, and it’s very possible (and I feel awful saying this!!) your SIL doesn’t link that name with your sister at all. Or didn’t, until it was raised. I think it’s very disappointing that your husband didn’t think it prudent to kindly mention it to his sister, given the upset it was causing you but I think you knew that by talking to MIL, it would immediately get back to SIL.

SemperIdem · 01/04/2023 19:22

I can understand why you find it hurtful.

Is there any possibility at all that your SIL does really love the name and thinks that you might like the nod to your sister?

Original poster
CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 19:23

Absolutely not intended as a tribute. And there is no doubt she knows this was her name. DH received a text saying she is furious that I’ve tried to spoil her special moment (I’ve not said a word other than it was a shock to MIL. MIL was embarrassed about it and said she didn’t realise she was going to use that name).

I was decimated by her loss and I am always very conscious of trauma dumping. The problem with death is that it makes people uncomfortable so I don’t mention it but I’ve remarked before that I can’t bear hearing the name.

OP posts:
butterfliedtwo · 01/04/2023 19:24

Why would SIL tell you thar she's always wanted to use the name? It's pretty clear you don't like her despite saying you get on. Not surprised you wouldn't know.

Your feelings are your feelings, but there's nothing you or your husband can do about it, so I wouldn't hold it against him.

Namechangedagain20 · 01/04/2023 19:24

I’m sorry for your loss OP and can see how you would feel she could have chosen any other name. However, if it is Camilla it’s probably going to rise in popularity a lot right now, the same as Louis did a few years back. I’d guess that’s why she’s chosen it, rather than to hurt you.

VivaVivaa · 01/04/2023 19:27

You’re clearly really hurting OP. I think anyone would be having a sister as good as yours taken from them so suddenly. If you were my SIL, as a minimum I would have asked you first. But, the baby is here now and has been named the name. I’m not entirely sure what you want your DH to do. Nothing he can say is going to change the situation or the babies name. It’s so hard, but the only person you are hurting by letting this become a thing is yourself. Give yourself some space from DH’s family and try and find some peace with your SILs decision would be my recommendation.

Kentlassie · 01/04/2023 19:28

I would be devastated too. I’m so sorry OP. I think saying it’s going to rise in popularity is fine, it still doesn't mean it was ok in your family for the name to be chosen. I would seriously go NC with her, and if your DH doesn’t understand how upsetting this is, it would make me question the relationship.

Sundaefraise · 01/04/2023 19:28

Oh gosh, I’m so sorry. The way you talk about your sister is very moving, I can feel the love in your words. I have a similarly inconsiderate sil, but she’s actually worse to her own sister, some people have unbelievably low emotional intelligence.

Shamoo · 01/04/2023 19:29

She’s a proper cunt. Nobody owns a name but there are so many to pick from, and honestly only a cunt would use the name of somebody’s dead sister without speaking to them first. It isn’t your husband’s fault, and now the little girl is named, there really isn’t anything that can be done about it. But YANBU to be hurt and upset, and YWNBU to factor it into your relationship with her moving forward.

HairyToity · 01/04/2023 19:29

Sorry for your loss. I'm on the fence. It has clearly hurt you, although it is a name that has been increasing in popularity in recent years (met two girls called Camilla), and it's possible your sister in law did genuinely love the name, and had just been thoughtless

Asummersday · 01/04/2023 19:29

I’m really sorry op….your SIL sounds very annoying. Especially with all that twin rubbish. Id want to go NC

aSofaNearYou · 01/04/2023 19:30

Tbh I don't think it's an uncommon enough name to say for certain that she didn't genuinely always want to use it.

It's a dick move if she's done this to hurt you but I don't think that's a given.

Original poster
CarinaBee · 01/04/2023 19:30

Thanks for the responses, expected people to say this.

we get on in the sense that I tolerate her nonsense but if DH could have remained unmarried and at her disposal for the rest of his life, she’d have been pleased.

when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was out with MIL and SIL and MIL asked if I’d use sisters name. I said I wouldn’t because I couldn’t bear to say it and it isn’t my daughters responsibility to bear the responsibility of honoring her. They said they agreed. Fuck me is nothing sacred? I LOVED a name which was the same as a close friends mum who sadly died a while ago. Wouldn’t have dreamed of using it.

OP posts:
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