To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Why isn't the BIL getting a hard time? He must have had some say in the name.

I wonder if the SIL posted saying she loved the name Camilla but it was the name of her SIL's late sister (who she'd never met), AND her brother's marriage was rocky so divorce was likely, what response she would have got.

If I was the SIL I would be less inclined to take on board my SIL's feeling if I didn't like her, if I knew the feeling was mutual and that divorce was probably round the corner anyway.

I don't think the fact she had personalised items with another name matters. People are allowed to change their minds.

I'm not really sure that SIL is out of order for being a bit paissed off over secret santa. I would always expect my siblings to spend their birthdays with their partners and children. However, I don't think it's off-the-scale of expectations to think you might spend some of your birthday with your siblings.

Hope you’re ok @CarinaBee ?

I would be upset as well but as you said you can’t choose for someone else. However SIL could have used a little compassion and given you and your sister a little respect. She sounds like the type that ‘it’s all me me me and I’m all that matters’! You shouldn’t have to get over it, she owes you the minimum of an apology!

I so get this - amongst other bullying behaviour, my SIL absolutely hated that my MIL liked me (more than her own daughter tbh) because we enjoyed the same hobbies and were friends.
Everyone in the family was too afraid to stand up to her, we just kept our distance to keep the peace over the years.
Then one day, something happened that overstepped our boundaries - DH called his sister out, she was outraged and rallied the troops against him/us. She made them choose her or him..
Well, it happened coming up 20 years ago that we cut contact with them all - our only difference is that my DH stood up for our family to them, however I would feel the same way as you too and would have lost all respect if he hadn't.

Glad your DH stood up for you @JambalayaOrGumbo but now sad for his wider family that they were put in that position, although they absolutely should have not let themselves be put into that position in the first instance.