To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

i do understand the grief but are the problems with dh mainly to do with sil or is this like the final straw

it just seems a reach to say shes done this on purpose to upset you or split you up i mean shes also married so cant be chasing her brother round all the time

I hear you.

My sister (3 years younger) was a twin. Our brother died a few hours after birth. The impact has affected my whole life. (I was terrified of having a son and just have one daughter because I couldn’t risk history repeating.)

My sister had a son. She named him after our brother. It’s like a knife in the heart to hear it (and seeing my parents with him).

I can’t ever say anything though. He was her baby to name and she would never understand the impact it has on others.

@MolkosTeenageAngst the op has said it's Camilla

There are millions of names. She didn't need to use it. She especially could have asked what the op felt about it.

Wow, there are some truly nasty people on here.
It sounds like really perhaps you need some help to deal with such a sad loss.

While I'm usually in the 'nobody owns a name' camp, I actually totally agree with you op. You have had this conversation with your SIL. She knows how you feel about the name. There is no way this was accidental. Deliberate? Who knows. Insensitive and horrible? Definitely.

I'm so sorry for your loss. Your hurt is clear in your posts. And you will always get the heartless arseholes on here claiming you're being sensitive and entitled, but you're not. Your SIL sounds like a spoilt, calculating cow.

How you move past it I'm not sure. I would say dignified silence at this point is probably the only way. Don't give her the row she is clearly desperate to have with you.

I agree the SIL doesn’t sound bad otherwise at all. I like to see my brother alone not always with his OH there.

Don't be so obtuse - there is only one person who will be affected by the use of this name, and that is the OP, the only one it matters to - and that nasty bitch knows it. This is deliberate, make no mistake - wrong, cruel and heartless.

Would are people actually expecting the OP’s DH to do? Insist his sister change the name?

Yes! That's exactly what I expect the OP's DH to do!

She's his twin fgs, do you not think he should be able to ask her to do him a favour to save his wife huge pain?! She can choose another name for her DD, and in no time at all she won't be able to imagine any other name. This really isn't a big sacrifice to make.

If my brother asked that of me, I would immediately agree (and we're not twins) But I'm not a shit-stirring bitch who is trying to break up my brother's marriage to suit my own agenda.

From everything you've said, it's really difficult not to come to the conclusion that your SIL is a prize bitch who has done this on purpose. I'd be very upset with my DH if they didn't understand how hurtful it is. I'm sorry OP, I think going NC is a reasonable thing to do, as she seems out to upset you, for whatever reason.

OP I'm so sorry for the loss of your lovely sister. I had something vaguely similar a few years ago where a family member named their baby after a mutual relative who had died suddenly and tragically. They checked in with the closest family member first and got "permission" to use the name but I struggled terribly with it. Couldn't bring myself to say the baby's name for a few years and TBH distanced myself from that branch of the family as I found it too upsetting. I totally understand and sympathise. Your situation is worse and your SIL is a grade A bitch.

It obviously matters to the SIL in a different way. Deliberate and cruel? Good grief - it’s a name, it doesn’t belong to one person.

This.

My dad died in 2012 - funnily enough also has a Royal name - and if a family member names their child this I wouldn’t think much of it other than ‘huh - same as dad’

If it was a name that meant a lot to someone I care about, in a situation like this one, I would never have even considered the name. It's not difficult. This SIL is the OP's husband's sister ffs.

OP I'm sure she hasn't done this to upset you. If the name is Camilla it is certainly not uncommon here. I really think you need to come to terms with this as she actually hasn't done anything wrong. Your SIL is allowed to like the name, and is allowed to use if for her baby, she shouldn't have to dismiss the name simply because it was the name of your sister. This sort of thing wouldn't bother me in the slightest. Your sister has been gone for some time and surely you should be able to move past something like this - and I'm not being mean, but we all lose people who are close to us without hanging onto things such as their name being sacred. My own much loved DF died two months ago, and if my SIL decided to call a baby by his name I would be pleased. You are investing too much in this.

It’s strange how she’s had things personalised for say Abby, and then suddenly changed her mind and said she’s naming her Camilla and always wanted to call her girl that.

Why would she have things with the name Abby on it, if Camilla was always the dream name?

It does sound like she’s being a little spiteful but unfortunately, you don’t get a say on what your niece is named. All I can suggest is a nickname. Cammy, Mimi, Mila, Millie etc

That’s ridiculous - of course he can’t ask his sister to change her baby’s name! What a completely unreasonable request. And to be blunt - it’s not normal to be so triggered by a name and not the responsibility of other to tiptoe round it (especially when they are so despised as the OP despises her SIL)

Yes this!!

Did your dad die tragically young?

Did you expressly tell other family members that hearing this name was like a dagger in your heart?

Guess not.

“She's his twin fgs”

Doesn’t mean anything. My dh is a twin, and hardly speaks to his twin brother. He would never interfere with family situations.

WTF are you to be the custodian of what you consider "normal"???

These twins are close. Not the same.

Yes he was young and it was very tragic circumstances.

If hearing dad’s name was “a dagger in my heart” I’d accept that’s my problem not other people’s. And get therapy, like I did but for other reasons.

Where has she said that? I’ve read all of her posts twice and can’t see that anywhere.

If the name is Camilla then it is obviously a very well known name in the UK due to the current king and queen so even if not ‘common’ it’s understandable OP’s SIL would associate it outside of the deceased sister from 20 years ago.