To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Do you think she is trying to sabotage your marriage by doing this? I know it's really hard but I would try to rise above it and be super cool. If she's genuine about the name she will keep it but if it's spite I bet she'll wriggle out of it with some lame excuse.

I'm so sorry about your sister - if the name is kept, there's no way you could come to terms with this and make it a way of remembering her?

She’s shitty.

If it’s a tribute, she should have spoken to you first.

So the alternatives are that she’s done it deliberately to hurt you (unlikely), or she’s thoughtless.

Whatever, YANBU to be very hurt.

I'm normally down the 'nobody owns a name' route but this is 100% not ok. Your sister obviously meant a huge amount to you and it feels like even someone with the very slightest decency would see straight away this is a horrible thing to do and totally unnecessary to creat so much upset that could be avoided. Just awful people.

I LOVED a name which was the same as a close friends mum who sadly died a while ago. Wouldn’t have dreamed of using it.

This is where we’re all different. I absolutely adored my mum and devastated when she died. I was absolutely blown away when a much younger friend chose her name for her little girl. To be fair she did ask me.

You do realise that by saying what the name is has made you pretty identifiable even with your user name change

Sorry, op, but I don't see how Camilla is so unusual and why it isn't possible that your SIL has always loved the name. I know two adult Camilla's and two who are children. One of whom was just born this past November.

Obviously, your sister-in-law doesn't have the emotional connection to your sister that you do, and may not have realised it would be such an issue. I do think your reaction has been influenced by your relationship with her, because it's clear you don't like this woman to begin with. I'm very sorry about your sister.

Sorry for your loss but I think you're overreacting. Camilla is a nice name, she may well be telling the truth, in fact it's very popular in the US and has been for a while now, it's not as unique as you make out.

I don't see how your SIL using your sister's name is so hurtful though, sorry. Unless you were particularly wanting to use it yourself and feel like you can't but you haven't mentioned that being the case.

I'm so sorry OP. There is no good resolution to this, as this power lies in your SiLs hands. You can only go so far I think in requesting she doesn't use the name, but if she's insistent, you have nowhere to go with it. Your husband isn't going to cut off the family he obviously loves over this, as even though he might see where you're coming from, it won't have the same visceral impact on him, and he will expect you to get over it. I can imagine how very difficult it will be for you, but I think you may have to reach an acceptance.
Your beautiful sister was so much more than her name, a unique and unforgettable person. Your neice will be a completely different person, who just happens to share the name.

Agree ^

I’m sorry OP it sounds like an awful situation for you.
I do agree with pp that Camilla is not that unusual, in fact I considered it recently (but baby was a boy). That being said I totally understand why you’re so annoyed/upset about the situation. It’s a really tricky one and one I suspect you’ll never really get to the bottom of why.
I couldn’t fathom someone naming their baby just to hurt someone else but I don’t know the sister in law. Maybe she just loved the name and didn’t give the connection to you much thought.
It does sound like your DH could be being more supportive to you but I don’t see what he can say to his sister.
I’d 100% distance yourself from her if I were you, doesn’t sound like a very healthy situation despite the baby name.

Can you call the baby a nickname, Cammy would be cute, unless of course your sister had the same Nickname?
I think now you've shared you're upset, she's probably going to stick with it. imagine being the kind of person who would use their baby's name to hurt someone. 😔 I feel sorry for your sil if this is really the kind of person she is.

I'm so sorry for your loss, sisters are very special and I hope her children grew up OK with a lovely aunt I expect they did x

Camilla is a very popular name at the moment. Quite a few people in my wider circle using it in last year.

This has obviously touched a nerve and is painful for you, but do you really really believe your SIL has named a much wanted daughter after your deceased sister (who she probably never met?)? Like, really? So that everyday she's remembering you as that is so important?

It sounds like an unthinking coincidence but you can't control that.

Sorry.

Aw. I get it. That totally sucks. She’s a shite. But I don’t think there’s much you can do about it to be honest.

Out of interest, how are your sister’s children? Are you close to them?

I don't think you are overreacting, and SILs response - that you have spoilt her special moment - indicates to me that she has done this spitefully and deliberately.

Where you go from there I don't know but at least you don't have to waste time and energy wondering if she is a bitch or not - she is.

But she asked. DD was going to be named after a male relative if she'd been a boy. I asked everyone. Because I'm not a twat.

As for the nonsense about her always wanting it. It's such an obvious named person, Camilla, that she would almost certainly have mentioned it over the last few years. Everyone is going to think it's after Camilla, eh Royal one.

I’m sorry about your sister OP.

But…your SIL is right. With respect, she didn’t know your sister and has no connection, there’s no reason she couldn’t use a name she wants to use. You aren’t close, you don’t seem to get on so you really can’t have it both ways - you can’t despise her but expect her to show you utmost respect and empathy re someone who was close to you but she has never met.

I don't think she's done it to deliberately hurt you. I think that would be a really bizarre way to name your child. But you know her better than me. Her reaction is also incredibly heartless. Even if she decided to still go ahead and use the name it would have been polite to let you know kindly. Or if she genuinely didn't remember the connection to apologise she hadn't told you.

On a different note Camilla is a beautiful name!

Who would do that to a child though? That's genuinely twisted.

I understand your hurt and it must have been hard to hear

However. She hasn't named her baby to hurt you, people don't do that.
It's not done personally to you, she's naming her daughter and probably didn't think to much about her sister in law and her extended family who she didn't know. I know I wasn't thinking about my sister in laws family when I was naming my children! I understand how you've gotten to the point of hurt but I would be so upset right now if I was your sister in law in hospital with a newborn and it had gotten back to me that someone wasn't pleased with the name

I’m torn as we have three names our family just wouldn’t use - Katy, Francis and Elizabeth. They are all children who sadly died. But, if my husband’s brother and his wife chose one of those names I’d accept it as they’re that one step away so I’m not sure the rules apply. Presumably she’s not done this deliberately and she’s hurt the special name for her dc has caused an argument. I’m not sure sil is a bitch or that you’re unreasonable it’s just very sad and been a shock to you.

Camilla is 311th most popular name and Camila 12th in the US, none of the royals have rare names but very common and always found in the most popular name lists. (Catherine,charlotte,edward,william,charles..)

Its a name carried by tens of thousands if other people. One my children is named with the same name as my husbands ex,his longest relationship before me to a woman who he was engaged to- when i named her i didnt name her after his ex,i just liked the name and her name represents to me her not anyone else.

YANBU

A relative surprised me (she lives in a different continent) by asking permission for her baby to have DDs unusual name as her babys MIDDLE name.

Of course I said yes,it was so sweet of her to ask. But compare the two different situations and behaviours.

Disgusting IMO. Shocking. She is trying to ruin your marriage.😘

I just wanted to say what you said about your sister was beautiful and brought a tear to my eye. You are lucky to have had such a wonderful relationship ❤️ but yes I think its rather insensitive, if it is an uncommon name, not to atleast mention it to you in advance. If nothing else, hearing her name out the blue like that must have really thrown you.

She knew this would really hurt you because of that conversation.

YANBU.

I guess either your DH finally stands up to his sister or your relationship may not recover.