To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Did you have an empathy bypass recently or have you always been cold and heartless??

Your sister is still with you every day, in your heart. I am certain she would tell you to smile & love this little girl with a fierce devotion.

As for SIL. You need to tell your H, that she is a dysfunctional conniving jealous snake. She is doing all she can to squeeze between you, & without his support, she might just succeed

This is one of those situations when you’re not wrong to feel how you feel, but sil in law is not wrong in how she feels.

I did read it. I don't think she's sensitive and she clearly has taken huge offence to the idea of a restriction on naming her baby. But the name is becoming popular and there's no reason to think she's not genuine in wanting to use it. I wouldn't but I don't think the malice or the outrage on either side are necessarily justified. It sounds like the op needs counselling, said as someone who knows just what it is like to lose someone so young and be very raw with pain.

Love this!

Honestly the melodramatics on here are embarrassing.

There is no good reason why the SIL shouldn’t use a not uncommon name for her baby. No one owns a name and if a name simply triggers so much 20 years later that is up to the OP to deal with not everyone else

This is one of those situations when you’re not wrong to feel how you feel, but sil in law is not wrong in how she feels

Agree. Your grief is huge, your lovely sister is still loved and missed by you so much. That's incredibly hard.

But your SIL (and presumably her DP?) have just had a child, and have used a name they love on their precious baby. To them the thought process is giving their child a beautiful name for the rest of her life, not necessarily a very strong, grief stricken, association your sister.

She is a straight A bitch and any relationship you had is over. Your dh can see her alone if he is too weak to have your back. I could never be in the same room as her. A million names out there to choose. Remember it is her who caused this not you.
Sorry for your loss.

She knew exactly what she has done.

Me too. Excellent.

"Camiseta" sounds sweet and pretty and means t shirt in Spanish.

Your SIL is a bitch.
The best way round this is for you to pity her- she must be such a sad, twisted person to do this to a child just to hurt you. Even her own mother thinks badly of her.
I also think you need to tell your DH you're very disappointed in him - he can't demand she doesn't use the name but he could have made it clear that he wasn't impressed that she would be so hurtful and insensitive towards you, his wife.

I’m going to say it, based on everything you’ve said, I think your sister in law is a nasty, self-obsessed bitch.

Oh OP, I am so sorry. For the loss of your sister, and now for the horrible insensitivity of your SIL. I'm not on the fence, you are right to feel upset since she clearly knew how you felt before she did this. Sometimes you think you have got the hang of life and then someone still manages to surprise you with their utterly poor behaviour.
I wish I had advice as to how to address this, but my concern is that she is expecting a reaction and would use this to make you look unreasonable.

I'm very sorry for your loss.

I lost my father in tragic circumstances in my teens. Fast forward a decade or so, I remember the lady next to me on the post natal ward telling me that she had called her son my father's name. It actually gave me a warm feeling that someone liked his name (similar popularity to Camilla). I felt the same when a friend used it a few years later. I would be completely fine about my nephews having his name.

I wonder if you would feel the same about this situation if you liked your SIL? Your new little niece is an innocent girl who does not carry the sins of her mother, in the same way that you don't carry yours. Perhaps you might be able to find a way to reframe things with some counselling?

Jesus some of you really shouldn’t give advice.

Making up a silly nickname for a child to spite her mum? Falling out forever so that when you’re all 85 you’re not speaking to each they because 50 years ago SIL picked a name OP didn’t think she should have picked. I feel sorry for the families of some of you lot!

Meanwhile in the real world - the PP who said neither of you are wrong is correct. It’s totally unreasonable to demand NC or difficulty between your DH and his twin. You are gonna have to deal with it I’m afraid - and as I said, grief counselling is very liberating I really do think you should explore it OP

I am sorry for your loss.

I think you are being unreasonable, you do not own a name, you can't veto what your sister in law names her child. Your sister in law did not know your sister and vice versa.
You are making this all about you and your feelings and if I was your sister in law I would be really upset, that you even said anything. It's quite a common name and I think the fact they asked you if you were using the name means your sister in law was probably thinking of using it one day.

This is deliberate and nasty.

I just can't imagine someone is naming their daughter to spite their sister-in-law who they get along with mostly OK? Nothing in the OPs post makes the sister sound genuinely nasty - for example, my husband and his siblings like to see each other without partners sometimes to do their cliquey sibling shit. That can't be that unusual.

I don't know. It's definitely unfortunate and I feel for OP, it must be very shocking. But I do struggle to see that the sister has done it out of spite.

I agree op , this isn't just a random name that you said you chose for your future child and she used it first; it's your deceased sister's name .
I also think it wasn't your mother in law's place to tell her how upset you are.

Its not unreasonable for you to feel upset but it’s hard to say whether she is being unreasonable without knowing the name, you say it’s related to a Queen but most royal names are pretty common. Elizabeth, Mary, Victoria, Catherine, Anne etc. Even names like Diana and Camilla are not so unusual that they should be off limits. If you’re talking a very uncommon name like Boadiciea or Cleopatra I suppose you are not being unreasonable to be surprised somebody else would use it, but assuming it’s a name which is well known in the UK and has likely been used in literature or television or belongs to a celebrity or royal etc it’s understandable the name may have different connotations to her than it does to you.

Your SIL sounds very self centred in general and like she doesn’t think about others..

however, Camilla is pretty common and going to be more popular and it’s unlikely that SIL is doing this to spite you.. a more considerate /empathetic person would have had a conversation with you first to let you know but she’s clearly not an empathetic person …
it’s not worth nuking the family dynamic for but in your shoes I’d be inclined to have as little to do with her as possible in the future ( beyond being civil) as she just clearly doesn’t give a toss about your feelings

Your feelings are your own and you don't owe anyone any explanations. That said, it isn't an unusual, one-of-a-kind name and will be getting even more popular (for obvious reasons). There's a fairly good chance that someone else in your circle of friends will end up using the name as well and you're going to have to come to terms with hearing it pretty often.

Was your SIL being unkind to use the name? In her shoes I wouldn't have done it, but I don't actually find it horrible that she's done so. And I see no reason for this to affect your marriage or cause a rift between you, your husband and your husband's family. Sorry, but that's an overreaction and might be worth exploring with a therapist/counselor.

Is it really that common a name?! Genuinely - I don't know anybody called that, nor any of the kids at the school I work at.

OP, I would be hurt as you are, and this would probably be the final straw to not want anything to do with SIL after this. I wouldn't stop my H from having a relationship with her, and nor would I feel that he should have said anything to her about it (although now that it HAS blown up it would be reasonable for him to say to her that he understands why you are upset, at the very least).

Even the MIL felt she had to apologise. Someone needs to tell SIL to wind her neck in, not necessarily due to the name. It for her constant behaviour in general. Clearly she gets away with a lot.

Don’t be so silly.

A name isn’t designed to act as an insult. It’s just what you call someone. It’s a beautiful name and it’s not the fault of the IL that
A. She likes the name
B. OP doesn’t like her (SIL)
C. OP is triggered by the name.

I agree with a PP in that I didn’t consider my SIL or family when naming my children. I wouldn’t give up a name I Alfred for someone who may well one day never be in my life again