To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

When we thought of baby names I liked names and my husband was like no SIL old boyfriend who wasn’t nice to her was called that blah blah. And that was it, I wouldn’t be so unkind as to make
someone feel uncomfortable or sad. She sounds horrible.

I agree. These name arguments are silly.

I think it’s strange that she went ahead with it after the discussion you’d had previously with MIL and SIL during your pregnancy.
At the very least a private conversation to test the waters would have been the decent thing to do.
Even if she decided to plough ahead with it, you could have been given some time to try to come to terms with it before everyone is talking about Camilla, which I would assume is very triggering for you at the moment.

In fact a woman who is post part in and will be in pain, have a rollercoaster of emotions and feeling unusually sensitive probably doesn’t need someone having a pop at her over her baby name.

She’s going to want her brother to be the child’s godfather.

He needs to tell her it’s an awful thing to do.

Yanbu. She sounds nasty. But, chances are that when the child is born you won’t associate the name with your dear sister. Simply because it’s a completely different person. I don’t know. When you think of your sister and her name you will pronounce it in a special way in your head. When you talk to your SIL’s child it’s not your ds you’re talking to. I knew two children, Alice & Allis, their names were pronounced the same but I didn’t even associate the names with each other for some reason. It is difficult to explain. You can’t do anything about it, so you must decide to let it go. Tell your sister about your shitty SIL’s choice and then let it go. But no, yanbu.

I'm sorry for your loss. However I don't think it's an unusual name. I understand your feelings but she may genuinely love that name. I wouldn't do what she's done but I don't think you can cause pandemonium over it.

26, oh OP, that’s so young. I’m so sorry.

This SIL is truly scum. I really don’t know how she can do that to you, even if she doesn’t think much of you, this is just on a whole other level. Fuck her. Bitch. Your husband has to acknowledge that and take some action.

💐

And with the greatest of respect OP if someone saying Camilla brings you physical pain you really need to get grief counselling rather than expecting others to tiptoe around the word. I had grief counselling a few years after my dad died. It helps, trust me.

This is deliberate and nasty. There is no way she doesn’t know what your sister meant to you, so any thought of this being accidental is ridiculous. No you don’t own a name, no one does, we all know to avoid hurting people and we wouldn’t hurt people on purpose as she is clearly doing. Your DH should have raised this with her imo. He sounds spineless and his sister is digging you in the rubs without a word from him. I am not surprised you are hurt.

That's a massive reach.

You’re all over this forum with your weird shit.

I’m really sorry for your loss OP. Truly I am. But the names Camille and Camilla are getting increasingly common in the Uk. I didn’t know any a few years ago and like the names Theodore, Isla and Arthur they have gone from more rare to suddenly everywhere!! I know a baby Camille AND a baby Camilla so she may have heard it elsewhere. I am sure it hurts hearing your lovely sisters name

It is understandable you are upset by her insensitivity. But you don't own this name. You will have to move on from this. But if you don't want much to do with your sil them don't. But why let this split you up from your DH if your marriage is otherwise happy.

Some of these replies are pathetic. Causing lifelong awkwardness between twins over a name. Depriving your children of a relationship with a cousin because of some perceived non-existent attack about a baby name. I’m so happy I don’t carry so much anger in my life.

This is hard. I really feel for you. If she did really want that name she should have had a conversation with you herself. She sounds unkind and unthoughtful.

Would are people actually expecting the OP’s DH to do? Insist his sister change the name?

Knowing that OP had had a conversation with MIL and SIL about it previously (us) and knowing how close to her sister OP was (DH) i would at least have expected him to say - oh OP will be sad about that, you know? And mention it. He's her twin - he'll know if she ALWAYS wanted that name.

Why he would say nothing? he's trying to avoid conflict with his shit-stirring sister (not necessarily over the name, but generally)

I don’t see why the SIL was obliged to ask OP especially when they have a strained relationship

Obliged? no. Normal empathetic human behaviour? yes. Obvs SIL has a problem with OP and tbh if i were OP I'd be extremely LC for evermore with SIL. And never confide in MIL ever either. I would also be telling DH how i felt about this. Not in the hope or expectation he try to talk his sister out of what is going to be a common name now, but because i would want to talk about anything that upset me with the man who loves me.

I hope the fact that it's going to be a common name now mitigates some of this for you OP

OP, I was expecting to think you were being U when I saw the thread title, but actually I don't think that at all. If this was me I would walk away from SIL at this point and having nothing more to do with her.

I'm just not sure someone not very sensitive would remember this as anything other than 'I wouldn't want to use it for my own child'. You're being encouraged to think she's done it deliberately but there's no way to know that. I think it's unlikely she'd name her child out of spite.

I just don’t believe Thai woman named a baby and saddled a child with that name for life to have a dig at the OP. She just likes the name and didn’t believe she had to ask permission first.

You haven't read the full details of SIL's behaviour.

She has sprung this choice of name, out of the blue, on everyone (including her own DM), a name she knows OP is very sensitive about, and now is raising cain and paling victime because members of her own family have dared suggest she might be out of order and insensitive.

OPs DH needs to tell her that she has overstepped the mark.

I just saw your update and I will add this. Although I said previously those names ARE becoming more popular, she could have had a considerate conversation with you that they were considering the name and given you a heads up. It’s weird if they were previously saying they wanted another name! Tho my Aunt decided to copy the name choice of the lady in the bed next to her when she was on the postnatal ward!

your MIL is a shit stirrer and caused this issue and I wouldn’t trust her nor confide in her ever again. Surface level only!! Your SIL can piss off. Fine you don’t own the name but you’re entitled to your feelings about it and you don’t need her blowing up at you.

Completely agree.

I agree, she's a cunt! I don't get why so many posters here can't understand the depth of your loss and how much it must sting. My parents died the same year and you carry your loss forever.

How selfish and downright nasty for your bitch SIL to choose a name that has such personal resonance to you. There are plenty of other names she could have chosen. It's unforgivable. That is going to strike your heart every time you hear it used.

I think I'd have to go NC here. I couldn't cope with it if sil named a dd my mother's name. It would just hurt way too much xx

Weird to state that a woman who has just had a baby may be sensitive?

Good grief how do you manage to step out the house if you think that is weird