To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

Thanks mate. I’ll wait 2 years to invite my own family to Xmas. 👍🏼 won’t be a problem now anyway.

MIL called me about 15 mins after we heard the news all panicky and apologetic and nervous. Said she can understand it was hurtful etc, said a lot but all came out in one big word soup because she was clearly shocked and nervous herself. Yes I said it felt pretty devastating. In this thread I’ve been criticised for never saying anything and putting up with it, so I can’t do right for wrong 🤣

MIL was fine with Xmas for what it’s worth. Big house, informal evening. Presents, a few games and informal evening food. Really no big deal. It meant a lot to have them there. I was grateful to spend it with them.

I was angry with SIL that evening because she didn’t want them there and made it known. For context, DH’s cousins and their partners kids (no blood relation to DH family) also came. About 25 people in total from memory. I saw who she really was that night.

Sorry, I missed the bot about separating from your OH before I posted that. But the sentiment still stands.

Sounds like you get on well with your MIL, OP, so I hope you can continue that relationship if you do split up with your husband.

OH = other half by the way. You sound more than reasonable and have healthy boundaries I would say.

She’s horrid. You sound lovely and kind.

Don’t you just abhor those people raised in lovely, normal families with good parents who turn out so completely miserable and selfish?

Huh? In what sense did SIL get “abusive” in texts to OP? Unless I missed something, I understood that OP told MIL she was “devastated” by SIL’s name choice, at which point SIL told OP’s DH that she was “furious” that OP spoiled her special moment.
Fair enough!

Good God. Just read through the thread. I would absolutely pick this as the point where I would say "Ive had enough shit from you unepathetic idiots" and turn my face from them.
I'm sorry you lost your sister, I lost my brother and if one of DH's siblings had picked his name I would feel like you. No one owns a name but there are literally hundreds of them, why pick a name that you know would cause upset, unless you are a shit stirring cow?

Honestly sounds like it will be a lucky escape if you separate from DH and don’t have to see SIL ever again. That incident with your niece and nephew alone I would not forget easily. I’m sorry you have to deal with this.

You sound a lovely lady op, I’ve read all the many posts and I feel you have done the best thing, your sil is so jealous of you and seems to be over dramatic about her brother.your mil obviously likes you but will always put her daughter first naturally, your husband in my opinion should always put you and your feelings first above his sister,but seemed he wouldn’t. I wish you all the best and hope you find peace in your new life, sorry to hear about your sister.take care x

Not allowed? What are you talking about? Of course the OP could have hosted Christmas at her own house and invited her niece and nephew. You're fabricating some monstrous in-law family!

The bloodhounds never fail to descend on any thread - especially AIBU threads - to tear a strip off the OP; even when their posts are calm, measured, and eminently reasonable as this OP's.

It's one thing to RTFT, or at least OP's posts, and conclude she's being unreasonable. But to be so unpleasantly personal when someone is hurting and has clearly and eloquently stated their reasons for that pain is quite another.

Such posters are easily visible. Not content with merely posting 'yes, YABU' with a considered judgement as to why, they home in like heat-seeking missiles, lock on their target, and won't let it go.

This site's version of fucking whack-a-mole is 'kick an OP when she's down'. It's becoming a far more common spectator sport of late, and it's really ugly, distasteful behaviour.

I’m honestly baffled by this thread though? I really do feel for the OP in terms of her loss and grief ❤️. I can’t imagine how hard what she has been through is.

nevertheless, I’m finding the accusations and anger towards SIL a bit baffling. I still don’t see how there’s anything wrong with OP’s niece sharing a name with her late sister, and how or why this would be so “devastating” for OP? This type of thing seems like a completely normal , and usually pleasing, occurrence to me?
Also, SIL giving a sigh and fleetingly pointing out she’d have to redo secret Santa, while a little passive aggressive, is honestly the mildest / most trivial of offences surely. (Especially when it comes to families and Christmas arrangements!)

I agree that it's a bit baffling to assume this is beyond doubt malicious and the thing to end a marriage over. She might really like the name and be selfish. Her partner might not see that as a reason to disown her. People are different.

Well, it’s not that confusing. You don’t knowingly name your child after the deceased loved one of your twin brother’s wife. Unless you’re a class A jackass.

Why though? What’s wrong with naming someone after a deceased family member. Isn’t that a time honoured tradition?

she's not the sister in law's deceased family member...

Exactly. And presumably you’d want your twin brother’s wife to not feel horrible every time she hears your child, her niece’s name.

It’s not a time honoured tradition to name a child after your sibling’s in laws. Especially when you don’t have that great a bond with them.

Also context matters a lot. SIL has previously had a conversation where OP told her she wouldn’t be naming her daughter after her sister as it would be too painful to hear the name etc. I don’t know how something like that doesn’t come to mind when deciding on a name.

Is your SIL in love with her twin? Sees YOU as a threat? Willing to name her own daughter your dead sister's name to spite you KNOWING it's your dead sister's name? A person you loved a LOT? I know there's people that play the long game to hurt someone, but this is fxcking ridiculous. This isn't a friend of a friend of a friend naming their kid this. Someone you don't interact with.

She is deliberately naming her this because she knows y'all don't get along. It's one thing if YOU chose to name your daughter this in memory of your sister. You ABSOLUTELY need to speak up and ask SIL why she's so obsessed with you. ASK her if she is in love with her own brother and is going all Little Big Town "" to BE you.

Nothing quiets someone up like INCEST. Ask me how I know? I'll tell you! It's how I shut my brother up being obsessed with our cousin's business. "Do you wish YOU were her kid's father? It's giving incest." And what do you know, he stopped harassing her.

Being a people pleaser doesn't mean being a rug.

It’s really insensitive.

For those of you who are clearly seeing nothing wrong with SIL naming the baby Camilla you must be very lucky or extremely naive.

The Name Camilla may be popular but that is clearly not the fucking point here is it? The name could be Jame or Ophelia its purely about the fact it is her late sisters name.
SIL has not ben thoughtless, no she has thought about this in heaps, she has thought and thought about how to inflict the most amount of hurt to her darling brothers wife. Twin or not her jealousy is toxic.

OP has had years of staying quiet, to keep the peace, to appease the only family she has ( and even that belongs to her husband).
OP is clearly not stupid, OP has seen the and heard the jealous sublime comments that do quite literally go over most mens heads unfortunately.

SIL is a narc a 100 percent cunt and has done this deliberately to see where her darling brothers loyalties lie. He passed her test (by going to lunch without his wife) but unfortunately he failed yours.

That's a very good point @poppettypop - likely she was testing him & the stupid guy can't see that! Hope you're ok Op.

You sound like a really reasonable person, OP. I’m sorry for what’s happened. And your SIL sounds like a weirdly jealous and deeply spiteful twat. I know someone exactly like her and the way she talks to her brother’s wife is unreal. She’s really unpleasant to any women who come into the fold. It’s bizarre and psychologically I imagine, a rich vein.