To be absolutely furious/heartbroken about SILs baby name choice?

[CarinaBee]

I set up a new account for this, lots of identifying points here but here goes. I am fully prepared to be told that I have no right to influence the name someone chooses for their baby. but to preface, I feel sick to my stomach over this.

my DH is a twin. His sister is known to be somewhat difficult in the family. Bit of a diva, tends to get her own way. She’s 38. We get on ok but she’s quite possessive of DH and likes to see him alone every now and then. Fine by me but does get a little tiring to hear how being a twin eclipses everything and you couldn’t possibly understand if you don’t have one. I can let a lot slide - the fairly frequent requests for money from DH for one thing. They have 2 other brothers. I get on very well with MIL but we’ve had previous incidents where SIL has been jealous because I’ve seen MIL without her for example. They’re close and good luck to them, I’m not trying to ‘steal’ your Mum from you.

DH’s family are a very close supportive unit and I admire that. By comparison, I had one sister and our mother was an unpleasant alcoholic. Mercifully I had my sister who was 7 years older than me and filled every gap left where Mum didn’t.

long story short, she died after a short but awful illness in 2006 leaving behind 2 very small children. I lived with her during her illness and was finally able to repay the devotion, love and care she always showed me. until my daughter came along 2 years ago, I don’t think I have ever matched the love I feel for her and I will long for her until the day I die.

my SIL has had a baby girl and she’s chosen the same name as my sister. I won’t share it here because it is identifying but know that it is not a common name by any stretch of the imagination. She has 2 sons and now “finally has her girl” and has apparently always wanted to use this name. first I’ve heard of it.

DH told me after he got off the phone and it made me sick to my stomach. He wasn’t prepared to say anything but I didn’t ask him to. Disappointed he didn’t though. I said to MIL that I am devastated but didn’t make a fuss and said I wouldn’t mention to SIL. She told her and all he’ll broke loose. It was 20 years ago, I need to let go and I don’t own the name.

dH and I have been having problems lately and frankly this feels like the final straw. I am the least demanding person - actually probably lean towards being more of a people pleaser, prefer an easy life. But this is too much. I have never shaken the feeling of how cheated my beautiful sister was in life and it’s just so hurtful. There are endless girls names to choose from.

She hasn't done it to the child, the child will be blissfully unaware, she has done it to hurt OP.

A normal reaction would be 'Oh, I'm so sorry I never thought it would upset you so much' (even if it was a lie).

not all hell breaking loose and wild claims that OP has spoilt her special moment.

YANBU. She's out of order.

She obviously hasn’t

Sadly Op I think that you played right into her hands by saying something to your MIL.

If your husband had said that you would find that difficult would anything have changed I wonder?

Presumably he thinks it's ok for her to use the name?

All of this. And yes I am surprised your husband hasn’t commented on it.

She’s nasty.

For all those saying it’s ok, would you actually do this? Because I fucking wouldn’t, no matter how much I liked a name.

Preparing to be flamed but.. to me, a name isn’t sacred nor does it belong to one person. I understand others might feel differently.

So you've 'spoilt her special moment'?

Well she's upset you, so tough.

She should've thought of your feelings and mentioned it to you first as a matter of basic courtesy. What the hell was she thinking??

She sounds a right little madam.

I find it odd that she would go ahead with the name knowing its "tainted", she knows you can't say it or hear it without being incredibly hurt, and can't think of her child without being sad. If I was your SIL this would make me think I was putting a cloud over the birth of my baby. Just don't use the baby's name, have your own nickname.

How old is the child? I wonder if they would have the decency to change the name or at least come up with a different name to call her by, knowing how you feel.

Quite frankly, withdraw. You don't need to have any sort of relationship with this bitch or the people who condone her. Your husband can, if he must, see her alone occasionally. Very occasionally.

Your kids can see their grandparents when she is not around. Spend Christmas, etc., home as a family and let MIL come by alone if she wants.

There is absolutely zero reason you need ever be around this horrible woman again. Shame to miss out on knowing the niece but that's the way it goes.

I too have lost close relatives, not my sister, thank god, in 2006 and anyone who thinks the pain has gone away in that length of time is an insenstive asshole. Protect yourself and your feelings at all costs.

Seriously?

MIL called me and said “I’m so sorry, I thought she was calling her ** and she even had personalised items made in that name”. It was at this point that I admitted it had really thrown me.

She died at 26 - it was harrowing and unfathomable, taking 6 months from diagnosis. I have a photo out of her in our lounge and she is young and vibrant in it and it is shocking, everyone remarks on it when they visit because death at a young age when you are most ‘alive’ is particularly poignant. I famously pop flowers on her grave every Xmas morning (and every significant date) and join the family afterwards. it’s not a secret that she was once alive and is actually a real person and SIL is just not aware.

I'm afraid I really agree with this. Which is awful. Your SIL is disgusting.

Honestly, that's just cruel. Of all the names in the world, she chose one knowing that it was going to hurt you.

And I think it's one that your DH needs to stand up for you over. I'd look at him very differently if he didn't.

Its her way of making you distance yourself from your DHs(your) family.

I just asked DD(14). She said it was a disgusting thing to do. Instantly.

Teen viewpoint YANBU

And I would feel very let down by your husband if I was you OP. Your sister sounds like she was a huge part of your life and her death has understandably impacted you heavily. He really should have at least commented something to her to show you that he supports you and gets it. She’s really gone too far I think. Distance yourself from her.

Would are people actually expecting the OP’s DH to do? Insist his sister change the name? I don’t see why the SIL was obliged to ask OP especially when they have a strained relationship

This is shitty behaviour. My sister-in-law’s sister had a stillbirth and they named their little girl the name I’d always wanted for my daughter. Did I use my sister-in-law’s niece’s name when my daughter came along. No I didn’t because I knew it would cause my sister-in-law pain. Millions of other names. Why deliberately make a hard situation harder for someone.

The DH can’t insist his bitch twin sister changes the name, but he can let her know he is disappointed in her actions and thinks less of her for hurting his wife so cruelly.

Make a cute nick name up that you know the child will love but your SIL will hate ( like cami toes) Then always refer to her with the nick name never her real name, ask your husband to do the same. When SIL tells you to stop calling her that, don’t. Do this before she’s given birth if you find a name that annoys her enough she might even change the name.

Would are people actually expecting the OP’s DH to do?
Some acknowledgement that it was done to hurt OP would be a better reaction than nothing.

when I was pregnant with my daughter, I was out with MIL and SIL and MIL asked if I’d use sisters name. I said I wouldn’t because I couldn’t bear to say it and it isn’t my daughters responsibility to bear the responsibility of honoring her. They said they agreed. Fuck me is nothing sacred? I LOVED a name which was the same as a close friends mum who sadly died a while ago. Wouldn’t have dreamed of using it.

So you chose not to use the name, but you don’t think SIL can either even though she doesn’t have the same emotions to the name as you?

I don’t think yabu to be upset, how you feel is how you feel but I don’t think she and her DH are wrong to use the name either. It’s not a unique name and quite well known and doubtful many in your DH’s family would make the immediate connection to your sister.

Different perspective here. My sister died young, very suddenly, and it broke me.
If someone in my family named their daughter the same name I wouldn't be upset - although it would be challenging at first, I would like it. It would feel like bringing life and positivity and new beginnings back into the name. I appreciate we are all different though.

Separately, Camilla is a common name and is likely to get far more so. I'm sorry for your loss OP.

TBH when I named my children I thought of what name I liked. I didn’t consider the feelings of in laws who dislike me.

I really doubt the SIL has named her only girl a particular name to piss off the OP.

I'm sorry OP, I know you are hurting over the loss of your sister, but Camilla is not an unusual name and has of course recently surged in popularity. I'm trying to imagine this from the other side: "My SIL is outraged at me and is thinking of leaving my brother because I used a name for my newborn daughter that is the same as her late sisters who passed away twenty years ago".