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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

256 replies

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:20

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

OP posts:
Jellycatspyjamas · 01/04/2023 16:22

That’s very odd, I go away a lot with friends none of us would think the person who suggested it would be paying for it.

DrManhattan · 01/04/2023 16:22

Nice try ! What a CF.
100% anyone decent would pay their own way.

Popsicle42 · 01/04/2023 16:22

YANBU - I would always assume we would split the costs for a friends’ trip away.

LaraMargot · 01/04/2023 16:23

At least the issue arose in advance before any expenditure, unlike so many Mumsnet scenarios.

GooglyEyeballs · 01/04/2023 16:23

I would have definitely assumed we'd split the cost if a friend asked me if I fancied a weekend away.

growgrowinggrown · 01/04/2023 16:23

How on earth did you respond to that without laughing in her face?

Ridiculous behaviour on her part unless there is some massive dripfeed about to come where you said 'my treat' I'd assume she was a chancer.

coodawoodashooda · 01/04/2023 16:23

Lucky you found out first.

LadyKenya · 01/04/2023 16:24

How will you proceed now that you have this information?

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2023 16:24

Well, of course YANBU.

Just reply ‘Oh! Guess we’ve had crossed wires - I assumed you were happy to go away and split the costs. If you can’t afford to it’s not a problem, I do understand. We can just plan a meet-up instead.’

I wouldn’t get into anything that remotely suggests you’d pay.

Disco2023 · 01/04/2023 16:24

Nah I wouldn’t assume anyone else was paying unless the specifically said shall we go here my treat/I’ll pay/birthday gift etc.

Just because someone suggests something it doesn’t mean they pick up the bill!

Firawla · 01/04/2023 16:25

I think it’s just a misunderstanding and as soon as she realised she clarified that she can’t afford it, that’s not a proper Cf. You might have phrased it in a way that she thought it was your treat. If you haven’t booked anything yet then no harm done.
It’s not totally out of the realm of possibility that one friend would treat another to a little weekend trip, so I do understand how the misunderstanding can happen. Really depends how you phrased it when you suggested

pinkpotatoez · 01/04/2023 16:25

What an embarrassing thing to even message, no wonder she jumped at the chance. Cheeky as fuck

SleepyMathematician · 01/04/2023 16:25

I’ve been away a few times with friends in the past. Not once did I assume they would pay for me. She should have made it clear right at the start she couldn’t afford a trip away. Then you’d have been at liberty to say something like “don’t worry, I’ll pay accomodation if you pay your food” or “oh well, never mind, maybe somewhen in the future” as you saw fit. Very rude to just assume and a bit of a freeloader.

Sparklesocks · 01/04/2023 16:26

No. Unless you said ‘let me treat you to a weekend away!’ I would always expect to pay my share. Sounds like she’s trying to guilt you into covering her!

drpet49 · 01/04/2023 16:29

pinkpotatoez · 01/04/2023 16:25

What an embarrassing thing to even message, no wonder she jumped at the chance. Cheeky as fuck

This.

Lucyclara · 01/04/2023 16:29

Sounds like a big misunderstanding.

Everyone thinks differently I guess.
I (and most people) would never assume the person who suggested it was paying for it (unless they stated clearly that "It's my treat", which you didn't).
There may be a few that think like your friend does.

It sounds like she wasn't afraid to admit her mistake, and I suppose in a way it is good that she is being open and honest with you rather than skirting around it.

Original poster
sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:30

Sparklesocks · 01/04/2023 16:26

No. Unless you said ‘let me treat you to a weekend away!’ I would always expect to pay my share. Sounds like she’s trying to guilt you into covering her!

This is what I'm thinking. Also, the pricing range of each place was obvious when I had initially sent her links to the website on Day 1 of planning/discussing the trip. Even if it wasn't obvious to her, you can Google the average cost of a place yourself. As soon as the cost came up, everything was a no-go. Luckily, nothing is booked though.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 01/04/2023 16:31

You say

Ah no...I assumed we were paying our own way. That's ok, we'll have a meet up instead and maybe think about a weekend away another time.

Original poster
sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:32

pictoosh · 01/04/2023 16:31

You say

Ah no...I assumed we were paying our own way. That's ok, we'll have a meet up instead and maybe think about a weekend away another time.

You're right.

OP posts:
BakedTattie · 01/04/2023 16:33

god people are weird.

she’s a cf.

strawberryjeans · 01/04/2023 16:33

Ha ha ha CF!!!!

Original poster
sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:34

Lucyclara · 01/04/2023 16:29

Sounds like a big misunderstanding.

Everyone thinks differently I guess.
I (and most people) would never assume the person who suggested it was paying for it (unless they stated clearly that "It's my treat", which you didn't).
There may be a few that think like your friend does.

It sounds like she wasn't afraid to admit her mistake, and I suppose in a way it is good that she is being open and honest with you rather than skirting around it.

I can see this. It's just odd as I in no way suggested anything like I'd be picking up the bill for the entire thing.

I'm aware that people think differently, but it was just odd how she was incredibly all over the idea... and then baulked - but to your point, it's good that she was honest/upfront.

OP posts:
Clymene · 01/04/2023 16:37

Surely you just assume that costs are split unless the other person specifically says at the outset 'my treat'.

Why would you be treating her to a weekend away? Confused

GarlicGrace · 01/04/2023 16:37

Is there a backstory? Did you freeload on anything she'd arranged in the past?

If not, then you basically seem to be saying she can't afford to be your friend these days. Or she's saying that spending time with you costs more than she's willing to pay. Which amounts to the same thing.

custardbear · 01/04/2023 16:38

Whenever I've paid for my best friend I always make it clear I'm paying, or can she afford to pay £x when we were going to CP one weekend and she paid the extra money to add a room.
She made very bold assumptions!

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