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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

256 replies

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:20

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

OP posts:

MrsMikeDrop · 02/04/2023 22:56

machogrande · 02/04/2023 22:27

So she's being honest with you. That's the embarrassing situation I would have to explain if someone invited me away on a break. I think she must have misunderstood your original suggestion and is now explaining what she could afford. Nothing grabby or assuming about her behaviour at all IMO. Just misunderstanding and lack of understanding of two very different financial scenarios.

Show quote history

I agree. Just put it down to miscommunication and misunderstanding. Unless she has form for it, then probably not a CF. Say maybe another time and forget it. Go out for lunch or a day out with her instead

billy1966 · 02/04/2023 23:34

OP, parking it is a good idea.

Her behaviour is a mixture of manipulative, tacky and shabby, and none of it is a good look on a supposedly good old friend.

It would certainly make me very wary.

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 00:15

Part of me is quite convinced that she does blag her way into “subsidised” ski trips with wealthy friends. It’s entirely possible it’s why she works in that Pilates studio in the first place. “I’m a humble artist who works a demeaning job for a living…” etc… and yet Pilates is expensive and if situated correctly, that studio may be where she “hires” her socially appropriate/useful friends.

SleepingStandingUp · 03/04/2023 00:49

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:34

I can see this. It's just odd as I in no way suggested anything like I'd be picking up the bill for the entire thing.

I'm aware that people think differently, but it was just odd how she was incredibly all over the idea... and then baulked - but to your point, it's good that she was honest/upfront.

Show quote history

I wouldn't assume either, and even if u thought they were suggesting it is give my comments on my affordability just in case until they were explicit. But u think the point Lucy makes is the key one. She misunderstood, now she understands sand can't afford it.
Just send a light breezy email saying sorry for the confusion, not to worry and hopefully you can get together soon for a coffee

Singularity82 · 03/04/2023 01:01

Can’t believe the small few people here defending this woman. Absolutely fucking cheeky cow. Why the HELL would you pay for her?! Agreed OP she thought she would guilt/embarrass you into paying. Good for you for standing your ground!
as the pp saying OP isn’t a good friend-ha! Not a good friend because she won’t be taken advantage of?!

ClaraBourne · 03/04/2023 01:39

Your friend has a very weird take on things. I wonder how she gets on in everday life.

Life is full of 'would you lke to meet up for coffee' moments.

This is not, 'I'll buy you coffee'. When you do get round to it, one of you might offer and take turns doing so.

'Do you want to see xxxx film at cinema, it has good reviews'. Likewise, not that you will pay.

I could go on. The exception might be, fancy coming to my parents house in Surrey for the weekend, they are away. Even then you will say lets split petrol and food.

Given she goes away with others it is natural to assume she accepts these social norms.

T1Dmama · 03/04/2023 01:40

Oh ok, if you can’t afford it we’ll leave it. Sorry I assumed you could afford a weekend, I definitely can’t afford to pay for you.

Original poster

sjzeke · 03/04/2023 02:01

Definitely wasn't a misunderstanding. She did indeed tell me what she could afford and it doesn't make a dent in the total cost. Nor does it account for any transportation/accommodation cost. Which is what it is. (But not in keeping with her lifestyle/other trips she's been on).

For the sake of putting it to bed, I gave up on the idea as it would have remained an awkward issue both now and over Easter weekend, which is when we were due to go.

What cemented parking it was not her text about what she could/could not afford, it was the fact that it was followed by a .GIF image of the cute cat from Shrek with the doe eyes/about to cry. Most people would have seen this .GIF before.

As a PP said RE tacky behaviour... it was just crass and uncomfortable and made things 100x worse. I felt like that was my cue to offer to pay for her.

So decided to not make it worse, keep it as lighthearted as possible for my sake and hers, suggest something more low key and leave it/move on.

Do I think she's evil? No.

Was it tacky, shabby and manipulative? I think so.

Can I move on from it/forget it? Yes.

OP posts:

Singularity82 · 03/04/2023 02:03

Did she send the cat gif as if she was begging? I can’t see how else I would read that.

Original poster

sjzeke · 03/04/2023 02:06

Singularity82 · 03/04/2023 02:03

Did she send the cat gif as if she was begging? I can’t see how else I would read that.

That's the one. How did you find it?? That's amazing you can add it on here.

I took it as 'I'm so sad I can't go! Wahhhh. :('

I know it's a cat, but I took it as sad puppy eyes.

OP posts:

Fraaahnces · 03/04/2023 02:40

Oh that’s just gross and it cements everything I said above about her choosing her skiing friends very deliberately. I mean, what’s one more when daddy has his own private jet and chalets in Aspen, Gstaad & Chamonix? These women tend to be semi-professional “influencer” types who hang out in Pilates and Yoga studios. How else do you find friends like this?

SunshineAndFizz · 03/04/2023 02:47

WTF?

Oh there's no doubt she's a CF after sending that gif.

So entitled!! She was hoping for a freebie all along, no misunderstanding.

Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 03:49

The puss in boots eyes are about manipulating someone into doing whatever you want because they can’t resist those sad eyes. Your friend is a scrounger!

Jamieleecurtain · 03/04/2023 03:50

This gif?

PoseyFlump · 03/04/2023 06:45

Something doesn't add up here. You said:

This is someone who goes on skiing breaks with her friends, beach holidays and has a job obviously

But you previously said she is on a low freelance income and has no licence nor car.

OP as you ignored my previous question I'll try asking again. Have you ever paid for a meal out or day trip for your friend before? You're starting to both sound as bad as each other.

WimpoleHat · 03/04/2023 07:26

Just misunderstanding and lack of understanding of two very different financial scenarios.

If the friend had asked how much the break cost and the OP said “oh, not much” and then the friend turned out to be horrified by the cost? That would be a misunderstanding and a lack of understanding of different financial scenarios. This is a someone who has tried to scrounge a freebie - and has firmly doubled down on her attempt to do so when it has become apparent.

NutellaEllaElla · 03/04/2023 07:33

The gif changes things completely, she's officially begging, how embarrassing for her.

billy1966 · 03/04/2023 07:42

Oh that GIF is shameless, how utterly mortifying.

I'd have the Ick.....she really thinks she can play you.

I honestly do not think this is her first rodeo!

Classic CF in action.

TomatoSandwiches · 03/04/2023 07:44

That gif used in this context is cringeworthy, she has no shame like every other CF you will come across.

Lorry10 · 03/04/2023 07:59

I would interpret the gif as begging as well.

EekGoesTheBaby · 03/04/2023 08:08

She's a liar, OP. She's pretending there was a misunderstanding in the hope that you will treat her. It's good that you're giving the trip a miss.

And the gif is just embarrassing for her. I think you've handled this well in order to minimise the damage to the friendship (can't say the same for her).

browneyes77 · 03/04/2023 08:21

PoseyFlump · 03/04/2023 06:45

Something doesn't add up here. You said:

This is someone who goes on skiing breaks with her friends, beach holidays and has a job obviously

But you previously said she is on a low freelance income and has no licence nor car.

OP as you ignored my previous question I'll try asking again. Have you ever paid for a meal out or day trip for your friend before? You're starting to both sound as bad as each other.

That’s not quite what the OP said.

She said this:
I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

OP also said she was the higher earner out of her and her friend and on a more steady income.

But OP never said her friend was a ‘low earner’.

Freelance salary doesn’t necessarily mean low income. Just a less steady income. What her friend earns when she’s engaged for a job could be quite a decent chunk of money.

pictoosh · 03/04/2023 09:47

Morto about the gif there. Kin ell.

redyellowpinkbluegreen · 03/04/2023 10:25

That's such a cheeky message! Freeloader! I'm going away with some friends soon- can't remember whose suggestion I'd was but we're all going and all paying!

Dibbydoos · 03/04/2023 10:27

How very odd!

It doesn't look like you're going away with that 'friend' OP so try another or a group x

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