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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

256 replies

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:20

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

OP posts:
JKTrolling · 01/04/2023 17:10

She thought she would get a free weekend away about of you. I can’t believe her cheek!!!

Original poster
sjzeke · 01/04/2023 17:11

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2023 17:09

That is odd. My nearest and dearest friend has a lot less money than us so I nearly always pay when we go away but that’s explicit right from the start. And I choose where we go.

I think this is what she was thinking. Hence why leaving it all to me to plan/book.

OP posts:
BMW6 · 01/04/2023 17:11

She's a strange one!

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2023 17:13

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 17:11

I think this is what she was thinking. Hence why leaving it all to me to plan/book.

Show quote history

But you didn’t say it, she just assumed. Whereas I always say “Let’s go to X, it’s lovely. My treat”.

endoftheworldniteclub · 01/04/2023 17:14

Even more cf when she said no to the cheaper alternatives, if she thought you would pay.

Original poster
sjzeke · 01/04/2023 17:14

Blossomtoes · 01/04/2023 17:13

But you didn’t say it, she just assumed. Whereas I always say “Let’s go to X, it’s lovely. My treat”.

Show quote history

Exactly right! Hence my post.

OP posts:
pictoosh · 01/04/2023 17:16

endoftheworldniteclub · 01/04/2023 17:14

Even more cf when she said no to the cheaper alternatives, if she thought you would pay.

Good point.

BellaJuno · 01/04/2023 17:16

She’s giving slightly mixed messages if her first response was she couldn’t afford the places you suggested then later said she thought you were paying! I’d just reply “Looks like crossed wires, let’s just get a date sorted for lunch and park the idea of going away for now”.

StressedToTheMaxxx · 01/04/2023 17:17

Does she think 'normally' about stuff in general? I have a friend who would probably do this however she doesn't seem to get social norms in general.

Redebs · 01/04/2023 17:19

So you sent her some options and prices that she said were too expensive. You sent her some others and she said no.
So why did she think you were going to pay for her? Did she think you were sending prices to impress her or something? She knew she was paying for herself, or she'd have said something the first time, surely?

Original poster
sjzeke · 01/04/2023 17:20

BellaJuno · 01/04/2023 17:16

She’s giving slightly mixed messages if her first response was she couldn’t afford the places you suggested then later said she thought you were paying! I’d just reply “Looks like crossed wires, let’s just get a date sorted for lunch and park the idea of going away for now”.

I think this is why she was hoping I'd pay for it, by harping on about the price of it - and then later relenting that it was too expensive. By leaving all the planning to me, she gets none of the responsibly.

OP posts:
Original poster
sjzeke · 01/04/2023 17:22

Redebs · 01/04/2023 17:19

So you sent her some options and prices that she said were too expensive. You sent her some others and she said no.
So why did she think you were going to pay for her? Did she think you were sending prices to impress her or something? She knew she was paying for herself, or she'd have said something the first time, surely?

This is what I don't understand. She also could have looked at hotels herself etc... but I think she left it all to me since it was 'my' thing. So in her strange mind, she probably took it as 'she was just coming along' on for the ride!

OP posts:
Salome61 · 01/04/2023 17:23

It's so disappointing isn't it. I had a friend with exactly the same attitude, but I didn't find out until the end of the trip when I asked her for her share. Her daughter, very reluctantly, put the money in my account a few weeks later.

Greensleevevssnotnose · 01/04/2023 17:24

My dpfirst question would have been what's your budget which would have avoided all this.

Original poster
sjzeke · 01/04/2023 17:26

Salome61 · 01/04/2023 17:23

It's so disappointing isn't it. I had a friend with exactly the same attitude, but I didn't find out until the end of the trip when I asked her for her share. Her daughter, very reluctantly, put the money in my account a few weeks later.

Oh no! I'm sorry to hear this! How did it pan out for you and your friend? Was the friendship over? Did she just assume you'd be paying for the whole thing?

OP posts:
RobertsRadio · 01/04/2023 17:26

It sounds like she thought she was doing you a favour going away with you and therefore, you would obviously be be happy picking up the bill.

Cheeky Mare, her that is, not you Op.

areyousittingontheremote · 01/04/2023 17:27

I don’t see how you can be close enough friends to go away together but not close enough to talk openly about and understand each other’s situations

sonjadog · 01/04/2023 17:28

I think her attitude is unusual, but at least you found out before the trip!

KimberleyClark · 01/04/2023 17:29

Firawla · 01/04/2023 16:25

I think it’s just a misunderstanding and as soon as she realised she clarified that she can’t afford it, that’s not a proper Cf. You might have phrased it in a way that she thought it was your treat. If you haven’t booked anything yet then no harm done.
It’s not totally out of the realm of possibility that one friend would treat another to a little weekend trip, so I do understand how the misunderstanding can happen. Really depends how you phrased it when you suggested

No it really isn’t a misunderstanding - the friend assumed OP was paying because she suggested it. That is CFery.

Axahooxa · 01/04/2023 17:33

Your friend misunderstood. She was honest and upfront about it.

Be equally respectful by not suggesting anything cheeky or sly about it.

BellePeppa · 01/04/2023 17:39

That’s ridiculous of your friend. If that were the case no one would ever suggest going away with a friend. I’d automatically assume I’d be paying my own way if a friend asked if I fancied a break somewhere.

dontgobaconmyheart · 01/04/2023 17:47

YANBU but (for whatever reason and rightly or wrongly) she clearly thought you were paying, hence why she was agreeable to whatever, and then backtracked when she realised it wasn't free. She's said so.

Perhaps it is cheeky, and perhaps it is the case that most of us on here wouldn't assume that in the same situation but either way she has. All you can do is say something along the lines of "I hadn't realised you'd thought that" and suggest a meetup instead. If it's not a regular thing and she's a good friend there's absolutely no merit it going to town on her and calling her a 'CF' and all the rest of it.

StripeyDeckchair · 01/04/2023 17:47

Wow, that's a weird assumption CF friend!
It looks like we have different ideas on the subject so let's just drop it.
See you soon for coffee/a drink

Good job it came out now not while you were away/paying, lucky escape!

Emotionalsupportviper · 01/04/2023 17:49

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:20

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

Surely if she ad thought you were footing the bill she would have just picked one of the first )and nicest) places you sent her - maybe saying "Oh gosh - if you're sure you don't mind spending that much . . . I really appreciate it" etc.

The very fact that she kept saying "No - too expensive" says she knew damn well that she was expected to pay her share - and now she's trying to embarrass you into funding her for some reason. Just tell her she had the wrong end of the stick and you can't afford to pay for both of you and perhaps it would be best to forget it.

WimpoleHat · 01/04/2023 17:57

Very odd assumption, especially in this day and age. I have an older friend (70s - and from a monied background originally, if that’s relevant) who was rather put out when some friends asked them to go to the opera and then asked for the price of the tickets. In her mind, they had been “invited” and it was crass to ask for money. I said to her that most people these days would assume that “would you like to go to x?” would mean paying for your own ticket, unless it was explicitly stated that it was their treat. I certainly think most younger people work on a “pay for ourselves” basis, so I find what she’s said to be very odd. It almost smacks of her trying to bounce you into it, to my mind.