Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

[sjzeke]

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

Did you end up just agreeing to meet for lunch instead?

I would have said “Why on earth would you assume that? Nobody goes away for a weekend like this without paying their way unless they’re a kid going along to keep another child company or the paid carer of someone elderly or disabled. I think you need to re-check whether your thought process was assumption or entitlement.”

Wow, how presumptuous is she?!

She thinks you’re a mug op; or she’s trying to make you feel guilty for earning more than her- not much of a friend

Have you ever treated her to anything else due to her having a lower income? Such as a meal, day trip, theatre/gig ticket?

There was once a concert I really wanted to attend that my friend wasn't that bothered about so I paid for both tickets so she could keep me company.

It really does depend on the history and what was initially said. I don't think she was intentionally being a CF. At least not at first. Not worth falling out over.

Absent the words 'my treat' (to which I would strongly protest and offer my half) I would always assume we were splitting it.

As others have said better to know now and before you've booked it.

Having read your update she sounds like a nightmare. Move on.

Very weird, unless you said 'my shout/treat' or you're loaded and she's broke, I don't know why she'd expect you to pay. Good you found out now!

Even if OP's loaded and she's broke, that's no reason to expect OP to pay. It's a reason to say she realises she can't afford it after all. Then OP can offer if she wants to, but there's been no pressure or expectation.

I would also be frustrated that she’s doubled down. Has she taken advantage of your generosity in the past? We used to have a bunch of free loaders, many dh’s friends.

I think you need to re-check whether your thought process was assumption or entitlement.”

@Fraaahnces is spot on with this - and with the observation that what she’s said only really stands with kids. (I’m taking a couple of my DD’s friends to the theatre next week for her birthday. They were invited “for her birthday”, so it’s our treat and that’s assumed. But if a friend said to me “it’s my birthday, shall we go and see X?”, I’d assume I’d buy my own ticket. Because we are adults!). This woman is entitled. You earn more than her and in her world view, that’s somehow “not fair”. And therefore you should subsidise her. And her entitlement screams out when she tries to justify that assumption rather than being embarrassed about it and trying to cover it up if she’d genuinely made a mistake and it was all a bit of a misunderstanding.

This reminds me of when I went on holiday with a friend for a week. We said I would pay for the accommodation and she would pay for our meals. After a day or so she started to ask for money to split the meals. A very awkward situation. She is also very wealthy!
It put me off going away with her again.

God loves a tryer. Wtf!!!

I find it very hard to imagine such blatent CFxxkery is in complete isolation.

It is very clear that she was part of the decision process whilst eventually taking the tack to embarrass you into making it your treat.

She is no friend.
A user IMO, and not the brightest either.

Very weird of her to assume you were paying. For something like this, I would always assume we were each paying our way unless the friend said "My treat".

Shes a cheeky one

She is a CF
She wouldn't have queries price of first few if she assumed you were paying and there's no reason to assume a friend would pay.

You either take her up on the CF or you smooth it over

"Friend name, that's a shame as I wish you had said earlier that you weren't planning to pay your share, I could have arranged this weekend away with another friend instead.
I understand if you've found out that you can't afford a weekend away, so let's meet up for a drink another time.
I don't pay for other people as I'm not rich either
Luv Sj"

Cheeky mare! Is she usually like this?

@sjzeke think of this as a near miss. You said earlier she goes away frequently… I wonder if some others have fallen for her routine and picked up the tab.

That's nuts. When I go with a female friend we always split the costs.

There are a lot of people who think they are entitled to other people's money just because they have more than them.

Just because you suggest something doesn’t mean you pay.
Do you fancy going for lunch? doesn’t mean you buy them lunch. It’s the same principle. Otherwise you’d never suggest to anyone doing anything ever.

Oh come on. Even if this was true, she's STILL a CF because

a) if she honestly believed OP was treating her her initially response was incredibly ungrateful - most people if offered a FREE HOLIDAY would be effusive 'are you sure,' 'you don't have to' 'wow thanks so much' 'that's really kind.' etc. She clearly said nothing at all, even a 'Yes, that would be amazing, thank you!' that gave OP the slightest pause for thought to think 'Hang on, why is she thanking me for suggesting going on holiday together?'

b) having got over her huge embarrassment she hasn't then apologised for HER MISCONCEPTION and said something like 'So sorry I've clearly got completely the wrong end of the stick, please don't feel obliged to pay for me due to my misunderstanding, I can't afford it at the moment but will try and save up so we can look again in a few months, sorry again for the confusion, let's meet up for a coffee soon,' or whatever - she's doubling down on the fact that she still wants to go but only if OP is paying, and only if OP splashes out on the nicer hotels rather than the cheaper ones!

Huge CF alerts

Depends....is she Italian? In Italy you offer you pay. Offerto io, pago io.