Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

[sjzeke]

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

Give em an inch and they take a mile

Cheeky fucker extraordinaire

It’s almost like you haven’t taken the hint, if I think about it some more. You suggested some places; she can back saying they were too expensive. She was then assuming that you’d say “oh, don’t worry, my treat”. And you didn’t. So her original strategy failed and this is plan B - to embarrass you into saying that you’ll pay. Because it’s a pretty crass thing to say even if she had thought you might pay! At the point it became clear that you weren’t going to suggest it, it would’ve been fine for her to say “do you know what? It was a lovely idea but I’d rather not spend that sort of money at the moment, so let’s park it for now.” But - “ oh, I thought you’d pay as you’re richer than I am” is extremely crass. She’s trying to make you feel bad.

@sjzeke she didn't actually say anything, just looked aghast and mumbled that her daughter would sort it out with me.

I think, as some other posters have suggested about your friend, she also thought she was doing me a favour by 'keeping me company'. I would have been going anyway but wouldn't have been staying in such a big Airbnb/buying so many drinks/meals and show tickets if I'd gone alone.

After the trip we went for coffee a few times and I paid every time, then she started getting flaky and letting me down at the last minute. I realised she was just a freeloader and unreliable and didn't care how she treated me, so I dumped her during the first lockdown. Last time I saw her was January 2019 when I paid for her at the cinema. I'm a bit sad to be in this situation at 66, it's hard making friends when you are older, but some just aren't worth having.

I would never have assumed you were paying just because you suggested it. That’s mad.

I would just reply "Oh, looks like we got our wires crossed. I can't afford to pay for both of us, but let's meet up for a meal soon if a weekend away isn't possible."
I think it's a pretty cheeky assumption on her part though.

Wow no. You were not unreadable in your assumption at all.
It’s crazy that she’d think that.

Even then I would offer to pay 😂

How can you have a mutual idea? Everything that has ever happened will be because someone suggested it first. Friend is a CF.

You are SO not unreasonable to assume she'd pay her way. Lucky escape, if you'd actually gone she might have paid for her part of the room but she'd have been trying to sponge off you all weekend.

I go away with lots of different friends and I'd never once thought that because they suggested it, they were paying, you just don't.

Your friend is being a cheeky sod and trying to guilt you into paying.

I'd send back 'no worries, completely understand, let's meet up for a cuppa and a chat and we'll put the weekend away on the back burner for a bit'

She didn't misunderstand at all. If she had she wouldn't have sent this reply re the more expensive hotel 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!'

Even if my partner suggested a weekend away I wouldn't expect him to paying for it! 😂 She's at it!

Really? It would never occur to me that mine wasn’t going to pay.

Don't suggest lunch instead, she will assume you're paying for that too!

Just tell her that you can’t afford to pay for both of you and when she can afford her share you can plan something then.

Blossomtoes No we're equals in the relationships and I earn my own money so don't need anyone to pay for me.

I suspect this isn't your friends first rodeo in this kind of cheeky fucker territory. I think she banks on most people just being too embarrassed to ask her for her share. And then if they do, she tries a guilt trip. Have you ever wondered how she has more holidays/trips than most people?

How was the original suggestion worded? She absolutely sounds like a CF but I do wonder if this is a massive misunderstanding based on the initial conversation?

I don’t know if I’d still be friends with her. That would have put me off. I’d text something like “Ah, ok. I assumed 2 adults going away for a weekend would split costs. Never mind!”

and then probably not contact her again, and see if she got in touch or things just fizzled out

You should reply, why would you assume that?

A friend who only wants to spend time away with you if you pay, is not a friend.

Friendship over.

Definitely CF - as why would she have complained and turned down the expensive choices if she thought you had offered to pay?

She has really tried to guilt you into paying because she wants the nicer, expensive trip options

She is ridiculous thinking you would pay for it all. I go away with my friends on a regular basis and we fall over each other to make sure no one pays more than anyone else. If someone wants to treat the others then that is upfront (and usually rejected!).

There's quite a few leaps there!

A CF would have said okay, let you book it then say couldn't afford it.

I don't think she's been a CF at all.

Maybe she doesn't want to pay to be in a 'friends' company, that calls her out on MN.

Maybe she'd rather save her money for her own weekends away because her own company if preferable.