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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Weekend break with friend. Thought we would be splitting costs...?!

256 replies

sjzeke · 01/04/2023 16:20

I suggested a countryside weekend break with a friend of mine. We have been friends for 12 years, but never gone away together. She jumped at the idea and has been looking forward to it, as have I. (I have a partner of 10 years and mainly have had my weekend breaks away with him).

I looked online at places I had been to before and sent her the links to the hotel websites. She loved all of them. So far, so good as she'd said yes to everything. I noticed she hadn't offered any ideas/preferences... so when I asked her to choose/give me an idea of what she preferred, she texted me back with: 'You choose as you know the hotels in the area and I've never been to any of them.'

I checked on availability and sent her the breakdown of price of rooms for each hotel/room costs. She wrote back with: 'God no. I can't afford that! That's way too expensive!' This was a little strange as I'd already sent her the links in the days prior to the very same hotels! It was just when I sent her the breakdown of prices, she baulked. No big deal though. I looked at other cheaper places. Sent her those too. (Meanwhile, she had done none of the legwork). She said no to everything I had suggested - and because I had sent her the best hotels first, of course, everything that followed (that was cheaper) wasn't as nice.

I'm not sure what she actually did budget for the weekend, but she kept reminding me that she's on a freelance salary. (She's an artist/designer).

She then texted me this morning: 'To be honest, since it was your idea/suggestion and 'your trip', I thought you were paying. You were quite set on going away for a relaxing weekend. I cannot afford these prices at all'.

AIBU to think between friends you split the costs...?? We aren't dating/married or anything, we are simply female friends. I am the higher earner, but didn't suggest a weekend in the 000's! (Also, she travels/goes on holidays more than most people!)

I would obviously not suggest a trip away to someone who couldn't afford it.

I also at no point said (or even suggested) that I would be fitting the bill for the entire thing....??

OP posts:
ReneBumsWombats · 01/04/2023 19:24

Even if she did originally think you were paying, it's weird of her to say that once it became clear that you weren't. That's the point where you just say, "Sorry, I thought I could afford this but now I realise I can't."

caringcarer · 01/04/2023 19:26

NoSquirrels · 01/04/2023 16:24

Well, of course YANBU.

Just reply ‘Oh! Guess we’ve had crossed wires - I assumed you were happy to go away and split the costs. If you can’t afford to it’s not a problem, I do understand. We can just plan a meet-up instead.’

I wouldn’t get into anything that remotely suggests you’d pay.

This is a good response.

inadarkdarkhouseinadarkdarkstreet · 01/04/2023 19:32

Sorry OP but I get the impression from your post that she maybe wasn't really that keen to go away, sounds like she made all the right noises at the start, as you say 'she jumped on the idea', maybe the thing about you paying for it was because she thought that that would be the end of the matter? Maybe she is totally skint and couldn't/didn't want to say? Is she a people pleaser - The sort of person who seems to be hyper enthusiastic to meet/catch up with friends and then doesn't actually always follow through? I have an old friend who can be a bit flaky with people generally, I think my friend just wants to be nice to everyone!

GirlOfTudor · 01/04/2023 19:35

I would also expect a 50/50 split. However, it sounds like your friend just looked at the links you sent to see if she'd enjoy staying there and not for the price. Or maybe she didn't check the links at all! She's likely just shocked at the prices and is concerned she can't afford it. Weekend breaks in the UK can be outrageously expensive!!

BMrs · 01/04/2023 19:39

What?!! No way should you be paying for her

WimpoleHat · 01/04/2023 19:40

She's likely just shocked at the prices and is concerned she can't afford it.

But that’s fair enough. If she’d said “gosh - I am sorry, but looking at those prices I think we’d better put the plan on hold for the moment”, I don’t think anyone could have criticised her. But not “oh, you’re so much better off than I am that I assumed you’d be happy to subsidise me”.

readingismycardio · 01/04/2023 19:40

What a CF!!!

zeddybrek · 01/04/2023 19:44

What planet is she on?! Why would you pay for her, that's such a weird response.

Lorry10 · 01/04/2023 19:57

Sorry but she is trying it on, or doesn't want to go, because when she first saw prices she replied - 'God no. I can't afford that! - which later turned into she thought you were paying.

TheGoogleMum · 01/04/2023 19:57

Yeah it's weird she assumed that. At least she said so before anything was booked though feels like there's lots of stories where that expectation isn't revealed until it is too late!

MuffinTo · 01/04/2023 20:11

Definitely a cheeky friend trying to see if you'll pay.

Of it was a genuine misunderstanding, a good friend would have clarified when you mentioned it -- they'd have said 'are you sure this is your treat? I don't want to assume' just to make sure.

MuffinTo · 01/04/2023 20:13

Lorry10 · 01/04/2023 19:57

Sorry but she is trying it on, or doesn't want to go, because when she first saw prices she replied - 'God no. I can't afford that! - which later turned into she thought you were paying.

I agree, good point.

She began by trying to hint that you should pay, fully thinking you'd say 'no worries, it's on me' then when you didn't, she turned it around.

Not a friend.

ReneBumsWombats · 01/04/2023 20:14

Has she got form for freeloading?

1offnamechange · 01/04/2023 20:18

very weird - like everyone else I'd always assume everyone would just pay their own way, and even if a friend explicitly said 'My treat' I'd be saying 'No, it's fine, I can pay.' Or at the least be very and explicitly grateful 'Are you sure, that's really generous' etc. TBH I wouldn't really like it if a friend offered to pay for me. I wouldn't just be 'Oh yeah sounds great!' if you assumed someone was being that generous to pay for a whole weekend away!

Also doesn't make sense - if she always thought you were paying why didn't she query it as soon as you sent her the prices of the first set of hotels? And why keep reminding you of her salary if she didn't think you expected her to pay?

If you want to make a 'thing' out of it, if you can remember the last time you went somewhere together you could say 'Um...really not sure why you'd think that as we've never done things that way. It was your idea to go to the theatre/out for food/drinks last month, but you didn't offer to pay for that?'
Or if you just want to brush it over go with pictoosh's explanation, bit gutting you aren't going but at least you can be grateful for a lucky escape!

ign0re · 01/04/2023 20:21

I just hate that attitude. I can’t take from people without the intention of paying back. Bit of an ick in a friendship for me.

i treated a friend to a weekend recently (sort of unintentionally) and then when I suggested our next outing she suggested I could get that as a present for her… so safe to say I won’t be making any more suggestions as they just assume I’ll pay so I’m going to hold back from that friendship for a while.

Tigger1895 · 01/04/2023 20:29

I’m confused. She was refusing places you recommended but thought you were paying for it all?

DelurkingLawyer · 01/04/2023 20:48

WimpoleHat · 01/04/2023 18:05

It’s almost like you haven’t taken the hint, if I think about it some more. You suggested some places; she can back saying they were too expensive. She was then assuming that you’d say “oh, don’t worry, my treat”. And you didn’t. So her original strategy failed and this is plan B - to embarrass you into saying that you’ll pay. Because it’s a pretty crass thing to say even if she had thought you might pay! At the point it became clear that you weren’t going to suggest it, it would’ve been fine for her to say “do you know what? It was a lovely idea but I’d rather not spend that sort of money at the moment, so let’s park it for now.” But - “ oh, I thought you’d pay as you’re richer than I am” is extremely crass. She’s trying to make you feel bad.

It’s totally, totally this.

Absolute CF

anythinginapinch · 01/04/2023 20:58

Going against the tide, it may be that it cost her a great deal emotionally to find the guts to say what she'd assumed, and that her embarrassment and discomfort increased with every new hotel info you sent her. Maybe.

ReneBumsWombats · 01/04/2023 21:12

anythinginapinch · 01/04/2023 20:58

Going against the tide, it may be that it cost her a great deal emotionally to find the guts to say what she'd assumed, and that her embarrassment and discomfort increased with every new hotel info you sent her. Maybe.

It takes huge guts (or cheek!) to say to someone that you thought they were paying!

Far easier just to say "on second thought, I can't stretch to this right now". That's actually a perfect opening for the other person to say they're treating you, if they intended to, but without impressing any expectations.

Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 05:17

It didn't go well. Unsurprisingly. She said because it was my idea and I was the one 'in the know' and because I was suggesting/choosing the places (based on previous trips with my OH) she thought I'd be paying for it all and that she was coming along for the ride which is why she was so agreeable to everything (see previous posts).

Her thinking would fly if I had said: "Shall we go to xxxx - my treat! You'll love it! Can't wait to take you there."

Also... I had suggested about 7-8 places at most, so she can't really say I had picked a place nor had a plan. I was throwing ideas out and asking for her feedback/opinions...

OP posts:
Original poster
sjzeke · 02/04/2023 05:24

Typed 'post' too soon.

Tried to have a chat about it last night after being confused and frustrated. As a PP said about their own experience, I think she felt like she was just coming along to keep me company almost!

OP posts:
Therealjudgejudy · 02/04/2023 05:28

She is a total CF. Good job you found out now

EliflurtleTripanInfinite · 02/04/2023 05:36

PPs suggestion of discussing budget together would help avoid any future situations like this. I would have expected to have that conversation early on, but the lack of that conversation wouldn't make me think my friend was paying. I'm not that young anymore and when we went to events with friends we each paid our own tickets, same with holidays, the other option wouldn't even be on the radar unless something was specifically said like 'my treat'.

user1492757084 · 02/04/2023 05:38

She is up front and honest before anything is booked.
She obviously doesn'tafford to holiday much.
Go away to a cheap place and share the costs or call it off.
Often beautiful but remote places where you can walk in the countryside are cheaper than real touristy places.

JudgeRudy · 02/04/2023 05:44

I'm in agreement with everyone else....unless you had explicitly said you were paying (not implied, hinted etc but actually said) I would not have thought you were offering to pay. If I had just bawled my eyes out after telling you my house was being reposessed, or I had 3 months to live then possibly.
I don't think she's a CF, she's just got the wrong end of the stick however it does show where her priorities lie. She probably could afford the trip if she really wanted to go....but clearly she doesn't. That's fine, you've got a partner and other friends who would.