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Original poster

To be struggling to accept my new life

466 replies

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

OP posts:
Rayn22 · 31/03/2023 07:40

Do you have family nearby? If you work from home how about moving out of London somewhere cheaper closer to somewhere rural! Cheaper housing and more space to 'think'

Theskyoutsideisblue · 31/03/2023 07:41

Can you make a long term plan of what you want so where you want to live but be realistic and then think about how to get there. Also can you do one little thing you enjoy each day.

Jelly0naplate · 31/03/2023 07:41

If you don't need to be in an office regularly then move out of London - doesn't sound like there's anything keeping you there

DustyLee123 · 31/03/2023 07:42

Can you move up north as you work remotely ? It’s cheaper.

Whowhatwherewhenwhy1 · 31/03/2023 07:42

What sort of work do you do? Maybe now is the time for a total change? Could you look at relocating to a nicer or cheaper part pf the UK ? Could you continue to do your current jib from another part of the UK until you find something else? We were in a similar rut and knew we had to change things and scary as it was we took the leap and life is so much better now. Now is the time to look at everything as you are the only one that can change your life for the better. 🎉

Kanaloa · 31/03/2023 07:43

Was just going to say would you consider leaving London? You can achieve a better quality of life in other places, and contrary to popular belief there is work outside London! It sounds very difficult for you at the moment - does your partner also work?

Xrays · 31/03/2023 07:44

Rayn22 · 31/03/2023 07:40

Do you have family nearby? If you work from home how about moving out of London somewhere cheaper closer to somewhere rural! Cheaper housing and more space to 'think'

This.

No kids and working from home? You can definitely move somewhere cheaper and more rural if you enjoy being outside. Look at Norfolk / Suffolk if you need to be within reasonable distance of London (train takes 1 hour 20 mins ish). Much cheaper and very rural. You could get a secondhand bike and get out on it everyday.

GOODCAT · 31/03/2023 07:44

As others have said change areas and get outdoors and back to hiking and cycling. It is so much cheaper away from the capital and loads to do too.

PickledPurplePickle · 31/03/2023 07:45

Can you move away from London to a cheaper area with more green space, etc ?

ComtesseDeSpair · 31/03/2023 07:47

Why is the flat grotty? Clean it, give it a fresh coat of paint, Look into a wall-mounted bicycle like the picture attached. Can you look into renting a WeWork desk for a couple of days a week, so you aren’t always at home?

I lived in small flats in various insalubrious parts of London for years and never felt I didn’t have a proper life. You don’t have children holding you back. What does your CV look like?

To be struggling to accept my new life
Keepthetowel · 31/03/2023 07:47

What specifically is keeping you in London, can you change that?

psychomath · 31/03/2023 07:48

What was your previous job (the one you said you lost) and where did you live before you moved back to London?

Dancemonkee · 31/03/2023 07:50

Why did you have to move to London and why do you have to stay?

Do you think you're stuck in a bit of a mental rut? Maybe there are things you could change but your state of mind isn't letting you see it? Easy done.

BansheeofInisherin · 31/03/2023 07:52

You have posted about this before and got a lot of advice. Did any of it work?

Suetcrust · 31/03/2023 07:52

What’s stopping you moving out of London OP? Is your partner holding you back? Time for some good discussions about how you want your future together to look OP.
Tell us why not! Where there’s a will, there’s a way.
Clearly London is ruining your health so that alone is enough to get out.
Do some research about rents beyond London. Take a seasonal job beside the sea. Look for an alternative lifestyle which will improve your health.
Come on girl - you can do this.

Phoebo · 31/03/2023 07:52

I think you just need to do baby steps to get back to where you want to be, for a start I'd get a job that isn't wfh so at least you're meeting and interacting with people. I find wfh quite depressing. I'd also spend time in nature every day, so go for a walk etc

Noicant · 31/03/2023 07:53

Move out of London, I know loads of people who have to pop into the office occasionally but don’t actually live in London because it’s bloody expensive. There are loads of commuter towns where you will have more space and better air.

Voerendaal · 31/03/2023 07:54

if you work remotely, live in London and have no friends then your only tie to your current life is your partner. I presume he is happy with his life whereas you obviously are not. Why won’t you have kids?
You sound depressed. Have you accessed any mental Heath support from your GP?
Is your partner supportive?
Sorry for the questions but I just want to reach out to you. You don’t need to accept your current life but you need help to pull yourself out of it. Also be kind to yourself - you are still young xxx

MintJulia · 31/03/2023 07:54

Why go back to London? The UK is full of beautiful, cleaner and much less expensive places.

You have skills, and the jobs market is buoyant. Look for a better job.

TitterYeeNot · 31/03/2023 07:55

Could you look about for a partner that will give you a more secure financial life? And kids?

MarieRoseMarie · 31/03/2023 07:55

She can’t leave London because he can’t sell the flat because of a cladding issue right? She posts every few months and ignores all advice, even from legal and housing experts. Then goes away and posts again.

She doesn’t want to change or any advice.

Xrays · 31/03/2023 07:58

MarieRoseMarie · 31/03/2023 07:55

She can’t leave London because he can’t sell the flat because of a cladding issue right? She posts every few months and ignores all advice, even from legal and housing experts. Then goes away and posts again.

She doesn’t want to change or any advice.

If this is the case why can’t she rent out the London flat or even just accept a loss and move? Craziness.

gemloving · 31/03/2023 07:58

What about commuter towns in SE London? New Eltham, beckenham, Bromley etc you might get more room for your money. Is there an option to go to the office? This might help to get out.

FullBloom · 31/03/2023 08:01

Xrays · 31/03/2023 07:58

If this is the case why can’t she rent out the London flat or even just accept a loss and move? Craziness.

Show quote history

This is what friends of mine have done in this rotten situation- let the flat (renters don't care about cladding certs) and rent elsewhere.

Have you thought about whether you might be a bit depressed, OP? Might be worth a trip to the GP.

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 31/03/2023 08:02

You have a huge amount of power and options here - you can fix this! It’s time to start thinking differently and take some action - I would recommend reading ‘Design Your Life’ by Bill Burnet and Dave Evans - it gives you a structured framework for making changes and it’s a bit more than a self help book, it’s based on a course taught at Stanford University

a few other ideas:

Get a similar job but in person or hybrid, if you are in London you might as well make the most of it

move somewhere cheaper and with open space for your hobbies

retrain for free - look at a programme like ‘Code First Girls’ free training on data or software with a guaranteed job at the end

see a Careers Consultant or Coach, perhaps having someone to spark energy and keep you focused on the task . The right person will also be able to suggest options based on your interests, skills and their knowledge, but most importantly help you to understand the research you can do to find the right option

tackle the current job head on - if you bring energy to the job, and reflect on what you DO enjoy, and talk to people around you (virtually) you might find there are options where you currently work

look at what you were doing before you lost your job, are there elements that you want to bring into your life again? Does that mean touching in with that company and seeing what is going on there now? Building a network with their competitors? (A Career Coach could also support you to do this)

This is rock bottom for you and the only way is up! You can do this!

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