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Original poster

To be struggling to accept my new life

466 replies

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

OP posts:
Zipettydooda · 31/03/2023 08:04

Aim to move out of London to somewhere more rural with cheaper housing which will allow you do enjoy the life you want.

You already have a job which is portable.Just ensure the area you move to has good internet coverage but that’s not difficult these days.

Could you get a small loan to help you move ?
Think Scotland / North of England, clean air and open spaces.

The savings you make from not living in London should help towards the loan. The deposit on your rent in London is likely quite large and might cover deposit plus one months rent somewhere else. Anything is possible with a bit of juggling and you only have one life.

Put aside some time in your current life to research property / rental prices in other areas. Think of where you’d like to go, moving costs etc and get a plan in place because unless you do this you’ll be staying where you are.Don’t accept it OP.

Ducksinthebath · 31/03/2023 08:06

TitterYeeNot · 31/03/2023 07:55

Could you look about for a partner that will give you a more secure financial life? And kids?

WTF? Your advice is become a lady cocklodger? And where does it say she wants kids?

SeanDanielorBalonz · 31/03/2023 08:07

You sound very defeatist. Of course you can have a bike if you have nowhere to store it - there are secure cycle parking hubs all around London (look at CycleHoop). You can get a cheap secondhand folding bike from Facebook marketplace. You can rent one on days you fancy a ride.

There are plenty of big parks in London, also lovely countryside/beaches just a short train ride away.

You can work from a cafe or co-working space if you need a change of scene. Does your work actually have an office and is it a possibility to work from there a day a week?

Friends in adult life come from workplaces, hobbies, volunteering.

I get that you're feeling stuck, but you can try to change your mindset. Lots of people life full and happy lives in London

Ducksinthebath · 31/03/2023 08:08

Sounds more like somewhere to store a bike is the priority.

Howtolikeit · 31/03/2023 08:08

Agree with those suggesting if you’re working remotely could you leave the city? Does your partner also work from home?

Or what about a commuter town? A grotty flat in London is probably the same price (if you let yours out and rent elsewhere) as a nice one outside - and you won’t have to pay the £££ to commute in every day?

What kind of thing gave you energy before? Cycling? Running? Can you join a hobby group on the weekends? (Running club, etc)

ssd · 31/03/2023 08:08

Move out of London

Original poster
Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 08:10

Currently I have to be in my office 1 day a week, sometimes 2. It may become 2 or 3 days compulsory soon. If I move much further out I may get slightly cheaper rent but will be paying £60/70+ each time in train fares. So swings and roundabouts.

Moving 'up north' is not that much cheaper considering I'll be losing roughly £20-30k of my salary if I take a job based elsewhere, plus I'll be hours away from my family (my mum has MS so would like to be within an hour or so of where she lives which unfortunately is in the SE).

OP posts:
Original poster
Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 08:10

ssd · 31/03/2023 08:08

Move out of London

I dont live in London

OP posts:
user1492757084 · 31/03/2023 08:10

Move.
Move city.
Move your body
Move on from boyfriend if he doesn't want to also
Move.

Original poster
Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 08:11

Should have specified that I work in London but I don't live in London. I live in the London commuter belt I guess.

OP posts:
BansheeofInisherin · 31/03/2023 08:12

This is about cladding, isn't it?

NOTANUM · 31/03/2023 08:13

I’m sorry to read of your poor mood. Do you think you’re clinical depressed? A chat with the doctor might help.

Three ideas from me:

  • Consider retraining online in areas of growth, e.g programming, green initiatives etc. Lots is free, e.g. Khan Academy. Then look for a new job ideally with some office time to get out of the flat
  • Exercise: you don’t need to pay for a Santander bike under 30 mins even. There’s a lot you can do for free in London: jog, bike, park exercise equipment, free classes at the local council gym etc.
  • Only then consider a move out if London. I think you need to get into a good mental position first before a big move.

Good luck!

Kanaloa · 31/03/2023 08:13

You would lose 20-30k? It sounds like you’re on not too awful a wage. How is it you feel you can’t live on it? Have you had any advice on your financial management?

Original poster
Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 08:13

user1492757084 · 31/03/2023 08:10

Move.
Move city.
Move your body
Move on from boyfriend if he doesn't want to also
Move.

I'm guessing you're a comfortable home owner with no financial restraints.

OP posts:
ilovesushi · 31/03/2023 08:15

Can you look for work in another part of the country where you could have that more out of doors lifestyle? If your job is very London specific can you think about retraining?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/03/2023 08:16

I know it has all been said before (many times on your many threads) but you have lots of options. You and your DP both have jobs, his flat can be rented out, and the world is your oyster.

Even just moving to the outskirts of London and renting a flat facing into Epping forest or somewhere would give you access to countryside and London and get you into clean air. You could do it if you chose.

Summerfun54321 · 31/03/2023 08:16

You sound depressed. I've lived in some right shitholes and had times when I'm very poor but exercise and being active is always the thing that kept me happy. I just don't understand why you live on a main road in the commuter belt in order to work one day a week in London, that sounds dire.

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 31/03/2023 08:17

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 08:13

I'm guessing you're a comfortable home owner with no financial restraints.

Show quote history

Nope, people who aren’t financially secure and don’t own homes make changes all the time - people who take risks, make difficult decisions, change jobs, move house, retrain - you are defining these things as fixed barriers and they really aren’t. (And if you don’t own your home you have even more freedom!)

Dancemonkee · 31/03/2023 08:17

If what pp says about you posting before and never taking advice is correct, then the only thing keeping you in your miserable life is you.

I've had friends who have left well paying jobs and took hotel and bar work in the lake district, so they can be in the sort of environment they enjoy. Friends who have taken a leap and left work to set up their own business baking cakes or making chocolate, moved across country or to new countries to find their happiness, I left my marriage and moved towns, quit my job, took on an OU degree. The thing is, everyone making these changes has to take on an element of risk. Without being willing to take a leap of faith you will be stuck in your grotty flat in a life you're unhappy with.

Blossomtoes · 31/03/2023 08:19

If I move much further out I may get slightly cheaper rent but will be paying £60/70+ each time in train fares.

Not true. You could move to somewhere like Stevenage - horrible town surrounded by lovely countryside - the return peak fare is less than £30. But I get the impression that you’ll find something negative about anything anyone suggests.

TheEverdelightfulsamantha · 31/03/2023 08:19

Dancemonkee · 31/03/2023 08:17

If what pp says about you posting before and never taking advice is correct, then the only thing keeping you in your miserable life is you.

I've had friends who have left well paying jobs and took hotel and bar work in the lake district, so they can be in the sort of environment they enjoy. Friends who have taken a leap and left work to set up their own business baking cakes or making chocolate, moved across country or to new countries to find their happiness, I left my marriage and moved towns, quit my job, took on an OU degree. The thing is, everyone making these changes has to take on an element of risk. Without being willing to take a leap of faith you will be stuck in your grotty flat in a life you're unhappy with.

This! (And congrats @Dancemonkee - your own journey sounds fantastic!)

Pinkdelight3 · 31/03/2023 08:20

This isn't your new life. You've been back five years, in this flat for three, this is how it is and if you can't accept it, you need to change it. You've had tons of advice on countless threads and if you don't take any of it then the truth is you have accepted how things are. This is your life, you are accepting it, but it helps you to sound off about it. If you were honest about that at least then people wouldn't keep wasting their time saying the same things over and over when you're resolved not to listen.

TheFlis12345 · 31/03/2023 08:20

It sounds like you’re on a good wage, why are you living in such a grotty flat? There are plenty of places that are on the tube so wouldn’t be an expensive commute, but where you can get a nice place at a decent rate. I live In Hertfordshire (Zone 7) and there are plenty of lovely places here where a 2 bed flat would be around £1250 per month and you’d be minutes from fantastic outside space.

freyamay74 · 31/03/2023 08:20

Move. If you wfh 4/5 days a week that's one day a week in the office at most. Move further away where it's cheaper but keep the job - that way the extra 20/30k will be a trade off with the additional cost of getting to the office once a week.
It's just bonkers to insist you can't move when you hate everything about where you live.

shutthewindownow · 31/03/2023 08:21

Find a way to move back to where you were before. Keep looking for jobs similar to you used to have.