To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

Also why not moving to another rental fiat won't work.

Somewhere with maybe a tiny box room for an office or a shed for a bike. And yes it may cost £100 or so more.

Maybe Tied into current flat for 5 years?

Agree , dreameg I also find it a bit off that you said you have not got time to check mumsnet all day because you work . Other Mums work op and we have all took time out to respond and offer advice because we want you to change things . All the Mums here have busy lives with their children housework work etc - you have not once said a Thankyou to any poster for advice or acknowledged their struggles . You ignore everything posters tell you about their own life and respond to silly questions about bike storage. Are you like this in life ? Main character syndrome . I’m sorry but you seem to be the type of friend whose me me me , wants to only talk about themself.

New life? It's been FIVE YEARS, nothing new about it. This is your life, and its the one you chose and created, and continue to choose. You're young(ish), able bodied, appear educated, are healthy and solvent, and not married or have children so free and unencumbered.

You could do anything. If you choose not to, at least stop complaining.

Have you looked at secondhand Bromptons? Or other folding bikes. Bromptons fold up really nicely. And they fit in one of those big IKEA woven plastic bags, so you wouldn't need to bring a dirty bike inside, just a clean bag. They are lovely to ride. Secondhand prices are not cheap, but you will get almost the same money back when you sell, if you look after it.

OK, so it was the "£20-£30k" that threw people off, minimum wage for a full time job is currently £20,319, so at most you would drop about £17.5k if you moved up north to a minimum wage job.

Yep, Congrats! You can read. Our ancestors got us here and had it much harder than we do. The depression is part of not living to your main purpose. It's not where you live but how you live! Life can be hard, I know this firsthand. I grew up in a really bad area with separated parents a heroin addicted mother and a lost absent drunken father. I died in a car accident and broke my back and bled to death and was revived I now have multiple children of my own, and i wouldn't change a thing. Growing up how i did made me stronger and smarter. My children will not grow up how i did. Be as negative as you like. Having a baby is life changing and the world makes much more sense. Yes, it can be difficult. But it certainly is not impossible. The baby will drive you to change and make things happen! ''Where there's a will there's a way!''

Funnily enough I had actually been looking at Leeds area a while ago as there's some work potential for me there. Would you mind suggesting wome rough areas to look into for housing please? I'd like to be in a walkable area if possible.
DP isn't interested in moving away from London but because of that, and this thread, I'm coming to the conclusion a future with him is looking unlikely tbh.

@TEEJAY88 I'm unable to have kids. And to be honest I'm fine with that. Weirdly kind of relieved the decision has been taken out of my hands. I certainly wouldn't be taking the decision to have children lightly, and certainly wouldn't have children in an attempt to solve my problems.

Thanks, I've actually been looking at Brompton's today! They're SO expensive, even secondhand but might go and look at a couple over the weekend. Ideally I'd like a bike I can do long distances on (30-50+ miles at a time) but Brompton could be better than nothing for pottering around on.

@TEEJAY88 I have 4 children myself and I would never advocate to another woman they should have children for a better life. I live by one rule live and let live. I don't expect women to follow what I have chosen in life nor would I ever rub it in a woman's face that I am more fulfilled than them. Not all women want children and there is nothing wrong with them feeling like that. One of your children might decide they don't want children will you judge them for their adult decision?

How do you square this with the fact that some women regret having children?

We made a massive move from SE to NW and it was the right choice for us - we have a much better quality of life now. It's hard being away from family and friends in SE, but housing is much cheaper (Greater MCR area, not in the city but close enough) and it's easy to get pretty much anywhere because the road network is good. Go for it if it's the right thing for you x

Leeds is ace OP. Look at Meanwood, Kirkstall, Chapel Allerton, (probably others, it’s a while back I lived there!)

Also perfect if you want access to beautiful nature – you’re a stone’s throw from stunning countryside and the undulating hills and valleys around Otley and Ilkley, the Yorkshire Moors, and the coast.

Mumsnet is really not the place for talking about not having children. Is it? Wasn't rubbing anything in anyones face. Marely being honest stating the facts from my own personal experience. Never told anyone they ''MUST'' do anything. People come on here for advice about children and having children. Not the opposite.

you post the same story weekly under different user names !!! Getting very tiresome

you recently posted under feelingworthless1 and I know from other Mnetters you change identy but not story freqently. Fell for it 1st time but it's not very nice for people unaware of your history to repeatedly post under new guises

@Feelingworthless1 has kids, works PT, alcoholic DH - different story altogether.

Marely being honest stating the facts from my own personal experience.

Personal experiences do not equate to facts. Worrying that so many people can't tell the difference.

@purplerainldn we live in Bath- it will be no cheaper than a grotty bit off London but costs a mint to get into London (£78 return super off peak)

She has also said she would like to be within an hour of her mum. I think if this is the flat with the cladding issue a great start would just be to rent it out and rent another flat somewhere that is relatively ok , near greenery and where she can store a bike. Even if it's not an area you would 100% pick as 1st choice. I would also suggest building up to a job that is truly remote- that then brings in far more choices without having to keep factoring in train fares.

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 09:55
@Truckinghell I've just noticed your posts, I don't get what you're saying? I've not posted about this before. We rent, we don't own. That's the whole point of the post, I'm at the mercy of the rental market.

Ah thank you @Tealsofa I missed this- was just going on what others had said about the cladding issue-

@Dreamegg One thing I've learnt in the rental market (and we've rented very lovely places for 21 years) is that it's about timing and sometimes grotty places can be not that disimilar in price to relatively nice places, just depends who us looking and where you need to be. My son rents with 1 other in Belsize Park- lovely 2 bed, 2 bath- he pays the same as my friend in Finsbury Park , much grottier flat. I love looking for places, what's your criteria, within an hour of where do you need to be, ? Honestly if you rent and hate it, get out ASAP!!

Also never THANKS the good folk on here who give good advice either.very ungrateful person.

Thank you @Lizzy53 for your wonderfully insightful and incredibly helpful post which really adds such an interesting and thought provoking perspective on my concerns. I am truly blessed and appreciative of your time and insightful opinion. Thank you. Thank you again. I can't thank you enough.

Lovely thanks! Some friends used to live in Leeds, near Roundhay Park, I liked it.