To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

Would your mum consider relocating?

Possibly because they’re all horrendously expensive.

I rather suspect renters do care about cladding certs (not being more inclined than anyone else to die in a high rise fire) however they are just desperate to find somewhere to live (in these greedy profiteering times)

If same poster, they can't move or rent the flat because it has a cladding issue and OP won't leave her boyfriend or work from a library or co working space or take bike on Tube.

I spend too much time on MN, I know. But I WFH too!

If your salary would drop "£20-30k" if you moved north then you are on quite a decent salary. How about your partner?

I have a condition very similar to MS and I would not want my adult child to live a miserable unhealthy life just so they could be near to me. I would far rather see them less frequently and know they were healthy and happy

I feel your pain OP. Your situation really sucks.
What is your field of work?

I wonder if you have reached a point in your life where you’re willing and able to make a BIG change?

What about moving in with your mum for a bit (just you, if no room for partner) to save some money? You could use the savings to re-train perhaps?

I was you when I was 34, I could have written this exactly. Move out of London, you CAN do it, there's so much better places to live. I applied for jobs and moved to the East Midlands, 12 years later we live in a 4 bed detached, huge garden, cats and 2 kids. I'd never have thought it possible. Just do it, you won't change things while you stay in London hon x

@Dreamegg I would say, you sound miserable living where you are, and also, just the way you said about your job loss, you still sound really sad about that. It sounds like it was really a shock/painful.

I’ve been feeling lots of the same feelings - house too small, no time, financial pressure etc and me and my husband and kids are moving back to my country (EU). I wasn’t interested in living in the town I grew up, so made a list of what we wanted: low/no mortgage, beautiful countryside, nice community, good transport links, stuff to do etc, and made a map of places to visit to scope out if we’d like to move there. Then we visited, picked a town/area, and within our small for the area budget found a do-er upper.

I’m wondering if less pressure to stay in your current job, ie low costs of living, could free you up to decide where to live, and then with time and space you can refill your life with the things you love. You can do what you like, you don’t have to travel the path more travelled. 💐 anyway, it’s a tough spot to be in.

Sounds like you are mourning your old life. Fair enough but you need to accept what you do have and any positives that brings or make changes.

either way you control this. No one is going to wave a magic wand for you.

obviously it depends on your mums severity of MS, but there are huge numbers who's ms is managed and live very full and productive, happy healthy lives. If that is your mum then what is the difference between you living a couple of hours away or abroad (which is what you apparently yearn for)

I know moving seems impossible, but it really isn't. Where you are living sounds horrible. I used to work in London, and lived in the commuter belt - it was shit. I've now lived in 5 different cities/towns, and everywhere was/is better than there. The prices for a start, are stupid. Where I live now, my house is worth about £250k - in London or thereabouts, it would be £3 million. Crazy.

You need to decide on a different, cheaper location, and then start looking for work in that area.

My own DD, at age 22, decided that she wanted to work in another country. I honestly didn't think she'd pull it off. But she did! Got herself all the right visa's, started applying for jobs over there, did interviews via zoom, found an apartment on line, bought the furniture for it on line, packed 2 big cases and off she flew. ANYTHING is possible, if you apply yourself.

I love that saying : if you don't like where you are Move - you are not a tree.

Would just like to say my salary dropped 15k when I moved (this was 12 years ago remember) and I honestly didn't notice, life was so much cheaper in the Midlands my disposable income was about the same. You're thinking you can't move because you're looking at how you could survive on a 20-30k drop while still paying London prices, but you wouldn't be! 💐

Just posting this further along the thread for anyone wasting their time actually trying to help.

What's your current salary and what sector do you work in?

I'm confused about how you could be earning up to £30k more than someone in the North, but can't afford to live somewhere a bit nicer on a joint income.

For reference, we were renting in London until a few years ago so I understand what rents are like. We moved North and both of our incomes have increased since.

@Dreamegg you need to find a new job that requires you to be in the office. I'm sorry but you're wallowing in depression and that's the first step to take.

Nothing changes if nothing changes and you're basically living in your own little lockdown.

There's always a way/options, but the hard part is change.

WFH is a huge plus point because you can do that from anywhere, whether it's with your present company or a new one. The world IS your oyster.

Baby steps in the right direction, and your life could be very different this time next year.

Nothing changes if nothing changes @Dreamegg sort yourself out

Look for a new job.

Working from home is really difficult as you don’t get any chance to get away.
I couldn’t do it as I enjoy coming back to my home after work and being happy that I’m home.

Do you have children?
If not look for jobs in a different county or country.
You may not get as much money but you’ll have a better quality of life and you’ll get out of the rut you are stuck in.

Nothing moves unless you move it. Nothing changes until something changes. You control of your own life, but it sounds like you are:

1. depressed
2. can't see what's blindingly obvious
3. can't be arsed to change it
4. expecting someone else to wave a magic wand for you.
5. all of these ^^

Great post @TheEverdelightfulsamantha

What I came on to say is that you need to start with picturing what your ideal life would look like. Take a day off work, go somewhere that feels good, maybe in nature. Invest some time. Maybe do it with a friend if anyone you know feels similarly, or at least confide in a friend who will hold you accountable for progress.

If you have a birthday coming up, ask for money towards a life improvement fund. This could help cover small things that will help. For example books, or a rack for a bike.

Then make a plan comprising all of the steps you can take to achieve your plan, however small. It may not work perfectly and may take time, but it will give you hope and get you beyond that rock bottom feeling.

Best of luck and you can do this!

Wish I read this before I posted.
What a waste of everyone’s time.

Losing 20 to 30k implies you have enough to live in a better place/ afford the commute.

I suspect you are onstructing you. You need to change something here. You may be mildly depressed but write out what you want and then enable the priority

I get where you are coming from. I used to love my life, absolutely adored my house and community - was certain I’d live there till I died, great friends, cycled everywhere, loads of interests and disposable income. That all catastrophically changed six years ago. Now I hate where I live, home working has destroyed me, the isolation of it is a kind of slow torture, my mind actually feels different, dulled, trapped, stultified. I have to drive everywhere, I barely move and my body is aching, stuff, sore so weakening due to lack of movement.

my advice, you need to slowly rebuild a life where you are. I’m slowly making new friends, I’m taking up new interests. I need to build up a new activity regime and build movement into my day.

its hard, but the only choice, if you can’t change your external circumstances, is to look at what you can change in your current circumstances.

Good luck OP

Well, you have to change SOMETHING, OP, or nothing will change.

New job? I’d be looking for a job outside of the home. Home working isn’t for everybody. I’d be miserable if I had to sit in front of a laptop on my sofa everyday! I actually enjoy commuting - being out and about, grabbing a coffee, listening to a podcast or reading on the train etc. I like getting dressed up everyday and seeing people in the flesh. Homeworking would be soul destroying m. Maybe you’re the same?

If you genuinely can’t leave your flat, fair enough. I’d be looking at moving, but if that’s not an option - declutter, redecorate, set some house rules with your DP that give you each some space.

Why don’t you have any hobbies? Are you depressed? Have you had any counselling? I’d prioritise having fun at the weekend - walks in nature, join a low cost gym, see friends, go into London and do some free cultural stuff.

If you don’t make some sort of change, this will be your life.

If you want to use the Mumsnet hive mind for practical advice, please tell us:

Where does your mum live?
Where is your London office?
Which sector do you currently work in?
Tell us how flexible your employer is?
Are you actively looking for another job?

It sounds like you’ve got to do something vastly different to get out of the rut you are in.