To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

Yeah I thought this sounded familiar.

OP without being harsh you sound passive and negative. Surely you can improve your lot.

Take one thing that would improve life. Say the bike. Lots of London councils have street bike stores where you rent a space near your house and keep your bike safe in it. Contact your council & ask.

This. If the salary differential between your London job and an up north job is £20-£30k your current salary must be pretty high.

I am sorry about the cladding issue, that is hard. But agree that if you can't sell the flat and absorb a loss, trying to rent it out and rent somewhere nicer with storage space and further from a road would improve your physical and mental health.

Why do you think you don't have friends? Are you depressed? Have you been to the GP? Why don't you have time for hobbies? Working from home in a "small grotty" flat would be miserable for anyone. Can you work from the office more? Have more social contact with your colleagues? Work from a cafe/co-work space/gym a couple of days a week?

Reminding yourself that the outside world is still there is a good thing - hard when he weather is awful but the days are getting longer and the blossom is out.

Good luck OP.

I remember you posting before too.

It sounds like you’re self limiting and built artificial reasons for why you can’t do something.

if your salary would drop by 30k leaving London then I’m guessing you’re on 50-60 at a minimum. That should surely allow you the freedom to do things at the weekend like cycle, hire bike storage, hire a car and drive out to somewhere new.

I can’t think of anywhere in the commuter belt you wouldn’t have nicer areas around.

Why do you think you’ll never have children?

Can you look for a complete change, look for places that are cheaper to live, places like north Notts villages are lovely, rural and still cheap, you can also get to London in 1.5 hrs on the train. There are houses to rent for £600 to 800 a month which I'm sure is cheaper than London prices

www.rightmove.co.uk/properties/131393918#/?channel=RES_LET

This is only 8 miles from newark and there's a train direct into London

I think saying that makes it sound like you have a mindset problem. All of those things can help. What are you suggesting to improve your situation?

Money isnt everything. If you had less kidney somewhere less expensive where your asthma wasnt playing up and you could go hiking and cycling your mental health would improve. So not financially better off but probably not worse off.

The point if a city is convenience and amenities. You dont seem to have either and you're paying an premium for it.

I would also look to apply for as many jobs as you can back in the country that you loved. This is your one life!

The uk is in a bad place right now. But not everywhere is.

Can you keep applying for jobs there in the background while you make small changes to your life here? (Find a cycle / running / hiking club etc)

And is there really nowhere off a main road you can afford?

Yep. This is what we did some 15 years ago: I left a job as a senior marketing manager in London, moved to South Norfolk and worked part time in a village bakery as it was the only job I could find locally, it meant I could walk to work and back and I downsized. It meant a lot of sacrifice and managing on a much, much lower wage - and of course gambling whether I’d even find a job at all- but after 30 years of living in london and then being mugged on the way home I’d just had enough. I don’t regret my decision at all.

I thought it sounded familiar too. You’ve posted about this numerous times, every few months I think, always get loads of helpful advice but never take any of it onboard/try to help yourself/there are always excuses why you can’t do anything that is suggested.

Whats different this time, what do you want people to say?

Just change things. Why do you have to live in a grotty flat?
You're not tied down, you don't have dc or schools to consider, there are so many places near London and so what if you balance the rent/travel ratio differently - at least you'll be living in a nice place even if it is slightly further out.
What's really stopping you?

Well this is all bollocks, isn’t it?

I live in the South East, in a market town 45 mins on the train from London or Brighton. It’s about £25 for a one day travel card.

Salaries are absolutely not 20-30k less here, what the actual fucking WHAT are you on about.

You do sound depressed but you need to pull yourself up. There is absolutely no need to be stuck in a grotty flat on a busy road on what sounds like a decent income. The only person who can sort your life out is you.

So you just want to rant. It's fine. Maybe this is the day. It's cool. Big hugs op. Today is particularly grey.

You and only you are responsibility for your own happiness, not your partner, not your job, not your flat.

Why not make the most of living in London. there are lots of free museums and London has lovely parks in the centre - St James’s, Hyde Park, Green Park. There is lots of open space a little further out - Hampstead Heath, Richmond Park. Take a tube to Greenwich and visit the markets and walk along by the river. Browse the stalls at Portobello Market or go to Camden Town. Take a picnic. I spent years taking my children on free days out. We even used to walk round the outside of London Zoo to see the animals. There is so much to do. Make a plan for each weekend so you get out and do something.

:) so nice to hear x

I feel for you but would you not be happier if you went out to work rather than working from home? It's good to get out and mix with people. I have always lived in London and worked in central London for a long time, loved it. Not only did I enjoy my jobs (most of the time), my social life improved. Think about it - or else move away somewhere if you can, letting your current flat.

At 36 you are still young, life is for living!

I have had this feeling of being totally stuck and helpless due circumstances that felt insurmountable several times in my life. Each time what helped me move on and find a better living environment and or job was to just do one little thing to get the ball rolling. This might just be picking up the phone to an estate agent to talk about renting your flat out (just an enquiry, not necessarily a decision to do so) or seeing a job that looks promising elsewhere and emailing or picking up the phone to find out a bit more about it (not necessarily putting in an full application at this stage). Or going to visit potential places to live and chatting a bit to locals in cafes. Often visiting other places then opens your eyes to places you didn't know about nearby etc. I don't know how (my partner calls it the 'Universe Effect') but just doing small things can get the ball rolling and a whole sequence of events can then start to follow which gets you out of your current situation. Like a snowball. But you have to take those first baby steps and you have to have hope that good things will follow. It does need action.

There are lots of nicer sounding places within commuting distance of London that could work for you OP. I wish you all the best.

If I had no kids and worked remotely I’d leave the country. I’d pick up my laptop and take myself off round the world to somewhere my UK salary could provide a nice standard of living.

Could you at least move to a less grotty flat on a less polluted street? Asthma is a risk to your life and living somewhere grotty is so depressing and demoralising. I'd be preferred to walk longer to the train station if I could live somewhere nicer.

As for everything else, you say you love to be outside being active. Could you afford to have a bike if you got a wall-mounted bike rack on which to store it? If the answer to that is 'no', what about other forms of outdoor exercise? Just being in nature has proven benefits, so are there local areas in which you could walk or run, for instance? I live in the London commuter belt and from my front door I can run a variety of 5k loops that includes a big park, fields, woods and country lanes. I also live on a busy road, so it's good to get out in the fresh air. And what about how you spend your weekends - could you take a train to e.g. the South Downs, the Chilterns, a station with clifftop walks nearby? That would at least give your love for the outdoors an outlet and I'm sure would enhance your life.

If you possibly can, move out of London. My DC were brought up in London and have moved away. DS moved back up north to where he went to university. Like you, he loves cycling, running, tennis, beautiful countryside. He and his partner live in a little house that they could never afford in London. Their life is good.
Don't stay put and be miserable.
There are jobs and opportunities elsewhere.

What job do you do & do you love it or would consider changing?

Are you happy with your partner or not?

Any bike hire places nearby? Or you could bike share with someone who can store it

Anywhere to get out and walk for lunch break?

You are stuck in several ruts - but you know it. Time to get out of them. One at a time baby steps or one fell swoop - only you know what you need

Stop thinking about what you can't do and really concentrate on anything you can. Every positive step will help

Two questions -

1. what would you like out of this thread?
2. What would you like out of this thread which is different from your previous threads and posts on the subject matter that will take things forward in substantial and significant ways?

Could you move in with your Mum for a while? You could save some money to enable you to move somewhere nicer in the long term.

I agree with the others- you are limiting your own life.
You have no children, can work remotely, even within the UK there is plenty cheap housing- especially if you love outdoors and a rural location.

Why don't you move somewhere like Cheltenham, Oxford or Bath?! All such lovely places.

What are you doing still in London if your job is remote and your partner is at home/no kids etc- sounds like there is 0 reasons to be living on an expensive grubby city like London. Move to the North, reasonable house prices and if you move to a coastal town,being able to go to the beach and just look at the sea would lift anyones mood.