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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be struggling to accept my new life

466 replies

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 07:38

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 31/03/2023 09:05

I'm guessing you're a comfortable home owner with no financial restraints.

Nonsense. Most of us have moved many times, and it is easier when renting. You are also young, generally healthy (although I do think you are depressed) and without dependents - if your DP won't move, you can move anyway. You have all the options within reach.

Tealsofa · 31/03/2023 09:05

Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 08:13

I'm guessing you're a comfortable home owner with no financial restraints.

Show quote history

You're the only one who can make this change

You have to look for opportunities around you and grab them

Where are you based now? Town? (Or give a similar type)
Move to the outskirts, use your bike, pick yourself up, you've had your pity party, now make some plans

FatAgain · 31/03/2023 09:05

Surely it’s a no brainier if you’re wfh - just move !

Spyrothedragon23 · 31/03/2023 09:12

It’s a scary moving but I think that would give you best opportunity for a work / life balance.

If you drop 10/20k in salary to move more north have you worked out how much rent or to buy a house would be? Then look at the trains to london area. It’s less than 2 hours to london from a lot of northern locations (even Yorkshire where this is the Peak District)

Im not sure you have another option other than try to move abroad again.

Sceptre86 · 31/03/2023 09:12

Your post is very defeatist. If you think you could be depressed see ypur gp for treatment. Then make a list and bulletpoint what you want to change in your life. Tackle each step one at a time. Sit down and speak to your boyfriend about where your life is headed and the changes you want to make.

Alternatively you could see your gp and get medication if you are depressed and start cbt. You could learn to accept that this is your lot and make do. Some people would go for this option but you're the same age as me op and its OK to want more.

It won't be easy op but things can improve.

blebbleb · 31/03/2023 09:13

You seem to be making excuses to stay in your current situation. Yes you can't move to a mansion in the Cotswolds but I'm sure it's possible to move at some point? You don't have a bike but could go for walks/runs. That's free! Doesn't have to be beautiful scenery.

OperationMalena · 31/03/2023 09:16

I kind of understand as I have lived and worked in 4 other countries as an ex-pat, and I used to have a great life with loads of hobbies. My life now is different, but not worse IMO.

I think the first thing you need to do is move. My DH travels a lot for work and he works in central London 3 days a week. Yes, the train is long and it is expensive, but where we live is lovely. I live right next to farmland and I can walk for hours before I see anyone. If you are working from home mostly you can get a dog(s) and be out in nature all the time. You are just in the city for one day a week. It's a 1 hour, sometimes 1 hour 15 for my DH door to door.

SpacePotato · 31/03/2023 09:16

Is the flat owned by you or is it your boyfriend's?
If it's not yours, you could move elsewhere, you just won't.

Beautiful3 · 31/03/2023 09:17

Do you need to be in london? Could you work from a difference location? If so, I'd move to a nicer area, away from traffic.

Soes · 31/03/2023 09:25

Have you posted this before, it all sounds very familiar?

You sound really depressed. Can you visit your GP? Maybe a course of counselling or temporary anti depressants might put you in a better frame of mind and enable you to make decisions about what you can change.

Pipsquiggle · 31/03/2023 09:28

Also tell us where you used to live that you loved and whether your mum can relocate?

Advicerequest · 31/03/2023 09:28

You have a great deal of options abs flexibility but sound stuck and depressed. I lived abroad for years and had I not moved back to raise my children would be off like a shot again. You can do the same or move out of London.

IClaudine · 31/03/2023 09:29

I have a feeling I have seen this before and the boyfriend owns the flat.

If you are that unhappy OP can you move out? If you don't want to do that could you get out of the house more, work in a coffee shop for a couple of hours each day? Do something after work that gets you out of the house. Do you really need to spend 20+ hours a day in your bedroom?

KatherineJaneway · 31/03/2023 09:29

BansheeofInisherin · 31/03/2023 07:52

You have posted about this before and got a lot of advice. Did any of it work?

I thought this sounded familiar

Advicerequest · 31/03/2023 09:31

Ok just saw mum in picture. You could move to the seaside in Kent or a kent village. Not commuter belt but still commutable. I say kent as the rents seem pretty affordable there to me.

IClaudine · 31/03/2023 09:33

Currently I have to be in my office 1 day a week, sometimes 2. It may become 2 or 3 days compulsory soon. If I move much further out I may get slightly cheaper rent but will be paying £60/70+ each time in train fares. So swings and roundabouts

Wouldn't it be a good thing if you have to be in the office in London more? Gets you out of the house, you have more contact with colleagues etc. And maybe the days you are in London you could do something there after work sometimes?

6namechang3 · 31/03/2023 09:38

You must be on a very good salary if the differential between London and the rest ofvlthe country is up to 30k. That is more than a lot of people earn full stop.

VikingsandDragons · 31/03/2023 09:40

You're trapped in the SE mindset. If you move and loose 20k of salary you may still have a much better quality of life eg we bought our 4 bed detached house in a very nice market town, lots of restaurants and a good independant high street, 2 hour on the train to London for £65 return if booked in advance in catchment of an outstanding secondary and 4 outstanding or good primaries when we had a joint salary under £50k. My cousin has a very split life, he lives Monday-Friday in Amsterdam, as he can earn 4 or 5x more there than he can at 'home' and then Friday after work he flies home every single weekend, and flies back either Sunday night or Monday morning. For him that split life makes him about an extra £100k a year even though he keeps two flats in that he still has the weekend life he wants at home with his family and friends, but he has the salary from his day job in the best location. I absolutely understand however about wanting to be near your mum, do you see her several times a week or would visiting say every third weekend for a full weekend or living like my cousin in a split location be something to consider? That would open up a lot more possibilities.

reaty · 31/03/2023 09:43

You have posted this before. The whole issue is that your boyfriend owns this flat and he won’t sell and move right? Listen stop wasting your life. You are 36, have no kids. Get a full time office job in central London. Live in zone 4. Plenty of things to do in London which doesn’t cost a lot. Commute to work by bike. Stop wasting your time.

OMG12 · 31/03/2023 09:44

I think you need to let go of the past. If you would lose 20-30k by moving, you’re not exactly on the poverty line.

Go for walks at the weekend, get out in the country, no where is that far away from green space.

Get a wall mounted cycle rack.

Find a hobby - lots of hobbies are cheap

Do some voluntary work

Lots of stuff is free. If you’re in the office in London 2-3 times a week, you’re not in your bedroom that much- take the opportunity to visit the free museums and art galleries, visit the parks. People dream about visiting London, there’s so much free stuff.

Life is what you make it, sometimes it isn’t what you expected or wanted, but life has never been fair.

NoSquirrels · 31/03/2023 09:49

OP, if you must start the same thread over and over, at least add the information about not being able to sell or rent out the current flat because of cladding issues.

You’ll still get the same advice but at least people would be informed why you think it’s impossible.

IAmInMeHoop · 31/03/2023 09:49

Blossomtoes · 31/03/2023 08:19

If I move much further out I may get slightly cheaper rent but will be paying £60/70+ each time in train fares.

Not true. You could move to somewhere like Stevenage - horrible town surrounded by lovely countryside - the return peak fare is less than £30. But I get the impression that you’ll find something negative about anything anyone suggests.

£30 return twice a week is......

Billynomates12 · 31/03/2023 09:51

That sounds tough. Sadly I don’t have any advice for you, but do know how you feel about missing your old life. I miss my life pre-covid. Since then all my friends have moved away and I’m stuck at home all the time with my DP. It’s hard isn’t it.

Original poster
Dreamegg · 31/03/2023 09:55

@Truckinghell I've just noticed your posts, I don't get what you're saying? I've not posted about this before. We rent, we don't own. That's the whole point of the post, I'm at the mercy of the rental market.

OP posts:
Stomacharmeleon · 31/03/2023 09:57

Life is too short for this.
Fix it.
If you have post multiple times about the same thing then it's obviously eating away at you. If it's not going to get better then sort it out.
And I totally get the other poster who suggested you move... move everything. You are in a rut but you can resolve this.Bollocks
to being In the same miserable position in twenty years.