To be struggling to accept my new life

[Dreamegg]

I used to have a great life. I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London.

I've been back for 5 years now. I'm 36. For 3 years I've been living in a tiny, grotty flat with my partner next to a busy, loud and polluted main road, which has brought my childhood asthma back. I spend 20+ hours a day in my bedroom (I work remotely 4/5 days a week). I never get space or time to myself - my partner is always at home too. I can't afford to move. In fact I can't afford anything these days. I can't afford to retrain, and don't have the energy. I have no hobbies anymore - I can't do the things I enjoy here (eg. I can't have a bike as i have no space to store it). I'm constantly having to pick up side jobs to pay for unexpected bills or expenses. I have no friends. I'll never have kids.

Life is meant to progress and get better, but I feel like mine is going the opposite way and I'm struggling to accept it. Any advice?

Then your not restrained. Move

Honestly, it sounds like your barriers are mental not financial.

A move from a London based job to 'up North' somewhere like Manchester does not involved a 20-30k pay cut unless you are on a shed load of money now.

In fact, even if it did involve that kind of cut and was still within legal wage minimums then you must be somewhere around 50-60k now.

That is not something with no choices. For that momey you could relocate and still commute into London 1-2 days a week and it may be financially neutral but you'd address many of the frsutrations you sy you have with where you live. (I know, I have made a similar move myself in the past and still commuted in).

Besides all that, I lived in and around London for about 10 years as a renter and not someone with 'comfortable financial security'. Thae rather massive advantage of that area of the country is the multiple ways there are to get out and about for little money. There are parks throughout London and public transport links there are way, way better that almost anywhere else in the country.

Your mind is stopping you see the possibilities, of which there are many. I'd focus on why that is. e.g. is depression is your enemy here then seek help for that.

Ah apologies OP - I am afraid lots of us have mistaken you for another poster who has a similar situation except that she and her DP are living in his flat, which cannot be sold due to cladding issues.

I must admit I'm agreeing more and more with pp.

There are various things you can do. As an immediate help, you could start working in the office most days, to avoid having to sit in your bedroom 20 hours a week by a busy road. (Though I fully expect you to come back with a negative, like you're hot desking and only allowed in the office once a week, or that the office is situated on a busy road too!)

In the longer term, rent out the flat and move to a commuter belt area where you can still get into the office once a week relatively cheaply and where you can get into countryside in minutes. If you stay in your job, by your own admission you're earning 20/30k more than you think you would elsewhere. That differential more than covers the extra commuting costs by a lot.

Or, jack in the job for something lower paying and move to a really cheap area.

You do have choices. But it seems you're determined to knock every possible solution back.

The point of this is that you're at the 'mercy of the rental market'? Because it seemed the point of this was that you're unhappy with your career, your home and your lifestyle.
It's easy to get in a rut but you do have options. You can move to a more affordable area and still be within commuting distance of your DM. You can change career or apply for the same job elsewhere with cheaper living costs and better accommodation options. You can hire bikes and factor in a weekly bike ride each week. Have you had a check-up with your GP to check all your vitamin levels and see if you're depressed?

You have to make changes

Get a new job and move

Oh blimey, cross post there and I see that you rent! Even better if you hate where you live.
Move further out of London and pay the extra cost to commute once a week.

Yes I mistook you- sorry about that- but then your life is simpler.

For instance, why can't you make friends? Are you doing something to make them? London or nearby is a great place to make friends. I should know; I am an immigrant who has lived in several countries.

In that case, apologies but your posts are so similar to the other person who feels trapped.

Can you explain why you can’t move, then? If your rented flat is in a place where you don’t like living, you can move somewhere else. If your job is making you unhappy, you can apply for a new one.

Have you been to see the GP about possible depression?

How is your relationship?

OP you don't have to accept that this is your life from now on. If you don't change anything then nothing will change, it's as simple as that.

What are you paid?

What are your regular expenses?
(Do you have a lot of debt, for instance?)

What are the irregular or unexpected expenses?

I've studied and lived/worked abroad, travelled, had great friends. A successful career. I love being outdoors, cycling, hiking etc and I used to be out doing things all the time. Then I lost my job. I had to leave my lovely apartment and had to take a job back in London

You recall times when you felt happy and successful. What are the obstacles?Why can't you get back to this?
Seems like spending more time outside, having a different job and even moving abroad would help. What are the reasons for not doing this?

You need financial advice.
Doesn't seem like your job is badly paid, if taking a role out of London is £20-30k less.
Are you paying off debts?
What do you consider essential vs luxury?
Do you save any money each month?
You need to look at exactly where your money goes - understand if you don't want to give details on here. But at the very least get an excel spreadsheet and input all the data. Be honest with yourself about it and set a plan - it's tempting to do nothing because you can't do it immediately, but small steps towards a 5 year plan will eventually give you a better life.
Also, it sounds like you may be depressed, is this a possibility? Try to explore your local area. Even really shit areas have interesting things to see. Go for a walk - try to do it every day. If you can't motivate yourself to leave the house then it may be worth speaking to your GP.

This doesn't have you be your life forever, but it won't change unless you change it.

What is your partner doing to help sort this out?

i feel very similar to you but am tied to a mortgage and have children. You need to make a change fast before you get completely stuck or more depressed. I’d do something extreme as just moving will be same shit different place. I’d look for opportunities abroad or something completely random like….

sign up with a house sitting agency. You get a complete change of scene, can still wfh and if you get dogs, added bonus of non negotiable exercise and fresh air.

living on a cruise ship for 6 months. Heard a radio interview recently with a cruise ship looking to appeal to those wfh to offer a full inclusive longish term rental on board a ship. Bloody marvellous idea

Move out of London! If you're working remotely you don't need to be there. If I didn't have my kids who are happy and settled in school, I would move up to Northumberland in a heartbeat - beautiful dog-friendly beaches, fewer people, cheaper houses, what's not to love?

That would drive me mad. As you're mostly working remotely there's no need for you to live in London, I assume? Can't you move further out, rent a little house or more spacious flat and commute in the one day a week you need to?
Your physical health (asthma) and mental health are way more important than staying in London.

OP says: I don't live in London.

Multiple posters: MoVe Out oF lOnDonN!!!!

Having looked at local rents where DS lives compared with equivalent properties in greater London, the London rent is about 2.5 times as much. It is worth taking a drop in salary IMO.
As pp have said, you need to think about what you really want and look into your options. Don't just let your life go by. I doubt your mum would want you to be miserable.

OP

I really understand how awful it is to dislike the place you live. The environment we're in affects everything. But it sounds like this temporary situation has become settled for you and you are afraid to change things. Maybe it's your partner who doesn't want to make a change and you feel stuck due to this. Perhaps you have too many thoughts that stop you and not enough energy to make what seems like a big leap.

If you hate where you are so much, I'd really try and change that. Maybe try and think about what the main thing is that you want and then brainstorm a bit and come up with 5 different routes to either achieving that, getting closer to that. Break it down into doable steps. As someone said upthread she broke the impasse with very small steps initially. But it is the decision more than the actions that is the issue often with this kind of impasse.

You sound like you have a very particular idea of how life goes. Could this actually be holding you back also? Big cities can also be unforgiving places and there are plenty of examples of lives not going according to the ideas we are sold all around us. There are also lots of ways of living. I agree things are terribly hard and things feel quite grotty all over the place right now. But focusing just on that could be making you feel this stuckness is inevitable when it isn't. You may have to balance competing demands like level of income versus where you live versus how you can see family versus access to countryside. But maybe if you start writing things down and drawing up multiple plans (with no commitment to any right now) you can start sees some of the advantages or pinchpoints of each approach. If you can't get all those requirements, can you build into each model how you might be able to compensate like if you can't be very close to family, can you plan to go there for more time or if you can't live in the country, can you get close enough to be able to do outside stuff at the weekends, if you can't sell (if you have bought), can you rent out your flat? If you can't move for other reasons and hate your flat, can you remote work in a hub, hotdesking place or even from libraries or cafes to change to a nicer environment? If not would going into the office more help in the short term whilst you build out your plan? Can you plan a cycling holiday or weekend trips if you can't have a cycle in the week?

You seem to be a bit overfocused on a perfect past. In a way that tells you things you need and liked that you can build on. But overfocusing on another time can also be negative in the present. Sometimes a really big radical change can make a huge difference, it's just about making the decision. But if that's not for you, trying to build up small changes that lead you towards the things you know you enjoyed and building some of that into the present even if you can't achieve it all straightaway could make an enormous difference.

You don't really mention your partner in this. Are they also unhappy with things? Can you discuss it and plan together or are they part of why you feel you can't make any changes?

What is keeping you trapped in a tiny, grotty flat? You must be on a fairly good wage and you've got a partner who is presumably also working?

I’m also a bit confused as to how you are such a high earner that just moving north would see you losing an amount that’s more than my yearly wage altogether, and yet you’re frequently having to take extra jobs because of unexpected bills. I feel like there’s something missing here.

Just assumed you live in London as it's the most expensive place in the country so possible you could still live in a grotty flat while earning what sounds like a decent salary. If you don't, what is stopping you from moving to a better flat - maybe slightly more suburban?

There’s been a very similar post from another poster - added complication that flat her boyfriend owns has cladding and can’t sell. If anyone can link lots of advice on that is relevant to you.
When you are stuck in a rut it’s hard to see a way out.
I’d seriously look at other jobs. It’s affecting your physical and mental health to live there.
Your mum would want you to be happy.