Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

284 replies

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:17

So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

OP posts:
SecretVictoria · 30/03/2023 19:24

Christ. They sound unbelievably precious. I wouldn’t bother with them, total PITA.

LolaSmiles · 30/03/2023 19:27

They sound precious and will quickly find that being so rigid that they won't have people in the house at all during nap time means people will stop wanting to do things with them.

If I were you I'd accept that until their schedule changes or they unclench a bit that you're not going to be seeing them as much.

pjani · 30/03/2023 19:27

This period of time will pass in the blink of an eye if you’re real friends. Shrug it off, I’d say. They probably need the downtime (not friends no kids nothing for 2 hours!! Bliss). Try and support them making choices that work for them.

NuffSaidSam · 30/03/2023 19:28

Tbh I wouldn't plan my life around someone else's child's nap. It's you that's annoyed with it so plan your day differently! If they want to go home and sit in silence then let them (sounds quite nice to me!).

NuffSaidSam · 30/03/2023 19:29

There's no reason YOU can't be out for the day.

Markasread · 30/03/2023 19:29

I understand it's annoying but they're not unreasonable to keep his routine.

IWasFunBeforeMum · 30/03/2023 19:30

I had a friend like this, EVERYTHING was around naps even up to point where kid was almost 3. Missed birthday parties etc. Don't see her anymore unfortunately, got a bit sick of same answer

PinkButtercups · 30/03/2023 19:31

I mean if their routine works for them so be it. Not every child is flexible for their naps. I'm lucky that mine are and used to noise.

If you go there could you not pop out for some lunch then return when the child wakes up from their nap?

Markasread · 30/03/2023 19:32

The alternative is a screaming upset child. Some children are just like this. You can't impose your parenting style on someone else's baby. Just say what you're doing and they can fit in or not.

thirdistheonewiththehairychest · 30/03/2023 19:33

You are very lucky to have had 2 DC who happily sleep anywhere. My oldest would only sleep in the pitch black in her cot and it was a nightmare. I have memories of taking babies out for a walk in their prams with some fellow new mums and their babies all slept. Mine screamed. I guarantee your friends feels more trapped by her DC's naptimes than you do.

chezpopbang · 30/03/2023 19:34

Eugh my sister my sister always says this about me too. They didn't plan for their child to only sleep like this. My child will not sleep in a buggy/car and she makes out it's my fault because he used to as a baby. No he stopped doing it so I changed my routine so he would sleep. If you don't want to make plans around naps don't but also expect you won't see your friend as much

Newnamenewname109870 · 30/03/2023 19:35

Markasread · 30/03/2023 19:32

The alternative is a screaming upset child. Some children are just like this. You can't impose your parenting style on someone else's baby. Just say what you're doing and they can fit in or not.

I agree. There’s often a reason why parents are like this. Really not fair.

Like others have said you should meet them for a bit then do your thing.

Burgoo · 30/03/2023 19:35

I wouldn't plan my life around my OWN CHILD'S nap! Let alone a friends!

Sounds bizarre re: not being allowed in the house whilst he is sleeping. What is the issue there? If she is anything like me, the house is an utter dump and she wants a reason not to have you round to see it!

Newnamenewname109870 · 30/03/2023 19:36

chezpopbang · 30/03/2023 19:34

Eugh my sister my sister always says this about me too. They didn't plan for their child to only sleep like this. My child will not sleep in a buggy/car and she makes out it's my fault because he used to as a baby. No he stopped doing it so I changed my routine so he would sleep. If you don't want to make plans around naps don't but also expect you won't see your friend as much

Exactly. No one wants to be this person but when your child is the one screaming with exhaustion and won’t sleep no matter how tired they are then you don’t have much choice.

NapoliTutti · 30/03/2023 19:37

I think you’re being unreasonable, my second child will only sleep in her cot and will just scream if she can’t sleep.
as another poster said… its way more annoying for the parent of a tricksy napper than the friend of. Either you want to see your friend or you don’t.

VivaVivaa · 30/03/2023 19:37

Having been in your friend’s position, I can sympathise with them. DS was one of those toddlers who only napped in a cot in the dark and would have been an absolute horror by 4pm without it. Didn’t fall asleep in the buggy beyond a few weeks old. And no, we didn’t ‘make it’ that way - it’s just who he is. I would have loved to have had a toddler that sparked out in a buggy after lunch. We basically didn’t really do full days out until he was 2 and could manage without the nap, so I can also sympathise with them there as well. It’s a shame you have to leave their house at 12:30 though. I would be pleased to have company when DS was asleep.

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:37

Thanks for answers so far it’s interesting!

I think my frustration comes from the fact they won’t travel for a day trip due to the nap, so that rules that out and for us to go to them it’s an hour and a half drive, to then stay until the child naps. It’s a long way to take our children for a short space of time, but they don’t understand this and think we should which is probably my frustration.

My feelings at the moment are to let them do what they need to do but stop trying to organise something that equally doesn’t work for us.

OP posts:
Starseeed · 30/03/2023 19:38

Everyone is not the same as you. My kid was not flexible with his naps at all and didn’t sleep at night if he hadn’t had a nap. It was exhausting.

So I’d say get your nose out of your friend’s business, and if you think of yourself as friends then try supporting them in getting through the relentlessness of having small children, and stop being reliant on them for entertainment.

You’re presumably an adult - are you not able to find other friends or entertain yourself or do things alone when you want to do things that aren’t compatible with the time they have available?

orion678 · 30/03/2023 19:40

For the last 4 years my life has had to be scheduled around my kids' naps (now 2 and 4, the 4yo doesn't nap any more but 2yo still does) - not because I'm precious but because my life becomes a nightmarish scream fest if my kids are overtired or off schedule. It's not what I'd choose. It's a downright pain a lot of the time. And it's very limiting, but it is the only way to maintain sanity. Perhaps your friend isn't being precious so much as keeping the peace

Train007 · 30/03/2023 19:41

I cannot remember the nap routine when my lot were little. I think they just napped in car,buggy,pram . My daughter thought far more rigid but I actually understand why . Single Mum who relied on nap time for her own rest and sanity . Everyone is different and have their own routine and strategies to suit their own lives.

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:42

Starseeed · 30/03/2023 19:38

Everyone is not the same as you. My kid was not flexible with his naps at all and didn’t sleep at night if he hadn’t had a nap. It was exhausting.

So I’d say get your nose out of your friend’s business, and if you think of yourself as friends then try supporting them in getting through the relentlessness of having small children, and stop being reliant on them for entertainment.

You’re presumably an adult - are you not able to find other friends or entertain yourself or do things alone when you want to do things that aren’t compatible with the time they have available?

I think you need to read my original post again.

I’m not dictating what they need to do. But I’m getting frustrated because they expect us to travel quite a way to them, to then be told to leave. They won’t travel to us at all or meet in the middle either.

I have a just turned 2 year old only about 6 months different so I also have a small child to think of.

OP posts:
VivaVivaa · 30/03/2023 19:42

My feelings at the moment are to let them do what they need to do but stop trying to organise something that equally doesn’t work for us

This sounds like the best option. I would have been filled with dread if someone tried to plan a full day out of the house for us when DS was 18 months old. Likewise though I can see why travelling 1.5h to leave before lunch time is a pain as well. Maybe just let things cool a bit until the DC drops the nap, or can at least manage without for a day.

Judgyjudgy · 30/03/2023 19:43

All my friends do this, including me. Trust me it's annoying for us too but worth it because our babies have been sleeping through for 12 hours since around 7 months (plus 2-3hrs in the day). If she's your friend surely you can work around it.

WeWereInParis · 30/03/2023 19:46

I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

There is an element of luck to this. One of my DC was like this, just slept wherever, and never really got overtired to the point of crying. The other DC - no way, we stuck to a rigid schedule or there'd be absolutely miserable hell to pay. I doubt your friends planned to be like this - no one has a baby and thinks "I hope our lives become massively restricted by this baby's naps". Yes there are possibly things they could have differently (maybe) but it's too late for that now. The child won't be napping for that much longer.

But you wouldn't be unreasonable to not plan your days around their child's naps.

SnackSizeRaisin · 30/03/2023 19:53

People only get like this about naps because their baby doesn't just sleep wherever they are. It's not something you can control.

I wouldn't expect someone to drive 1.5 hours for a morning though. Especially with a 2 year old. Just leave it for now. The baby won't need naps forever