AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

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So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

I voted YABU because there is no reason you need to go back with her whilst the child naps. Although I do think she is being unreasonable expecting you to fit your day around her. As a previous poster said, this time shall pass soon and child won’t need a nap. If you’re a good enough friend just wait it out until they decide to be less restrictive

I’d be dropping these ‘friends’ like a hot brick

On your side OP. This would annoy me too. Sounds similar to my DB who’s DD follows a very rigid nap schedule that we all have to adhere to. Doesn’t travel well In the car which means we always travel 2+ hours to theirs. We get comments of how “lucky” we are that our similar aged child is so easy going. For us though, it’s not just luck and we actually plan really hard to make those kind of visits work and we suffer with a couple of broken nights sleep when we return home same as every other parent when their child’s routine is disrupted.

They seem to think we have it easy and I think they have no idea. It does start to grate when it is always you that is making the effort.

Also want to add that on the weekends... the good thing about the naps at home was we were so exhausted ourselves that we would also nap and those 2 hours of afternoon sleep were bloody glorious and saved us.

So maybe your friend needs to get back for her own nap too 😂

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

This is exactly right, OP. Ignore all the shitty responses.

Leave them to their pitch black silent lives, spring and summer are on the way, spend time with people in the sun.

If that's the case.. then it's not fair you are the ones always doing the travelling and having to deal with the negative repercussions.
Have you explained to your DB that it's AS disruptive for you guys too?

Why are you doing it? I would be reducing the visits big time. Do they at least host you well?

Not wanting kids to nap in the car is totally reasonable: ours will nap for 20 mins in his car seat, Vs an hour and a half in bed. The impact on the afternoon that follows is considerable! 😆

But chucking you out of the house is odd, unless it's a small house where noise travels given the 2 and 6 year old...

I would second the suggestion to leave the kids with your partners and do something together instead. Getting young families to mesh can be really hard, with kids needing different routines and often all demanding a lot of attention. Why not have a proper catch up without them?

Just don’t meet up with her until she chills out a bit.

I was a bit weird about my twins’ nap but that’s because my life was hell if they didn’t nap. (And they made everyone else’s life hell too!) But it meant I missed out on stuff as I’d never demand anyone else planned their day around me

I have a toddler that will only nap in certain conditions. It's not me being precious, I wish I had a kid that would just nap in the car or whatever. I tried everything when she was a little baby, had her in the living room with me while I was still moving around. Guess what? My baby that would stay awake till 4 PM when I did that. And I mean a 1/2/3/4 month old that would not nap unless it was absolutely quiet which meant that her growth slowed and I had to go for extra check ups with her. Now that she's older if she doesn't nap her meltdowns are epic and last hours. I can't plan something the the day because it's no fun for me to deal with a meltdown for hours.

What's your solution? Because it's not always the parents being precious.

This time will pass. Let them get on with it. She's doing what works for her.

The frustrating thing for me would be that their child takes priority over your children. If I drove my children for an hour and a half to see someone and they always asked us to leave shortly after we arrived I wouldn't be making the journey again. It is amusing that they ask people to leave the house when the little king is sleeping.

But OP should do what works for her as well. These people are not working for her.

I do agree with you that they could meet you in the middle though.

I agree, OP, but I was in the minority with my friends. Everything revolved around the hallowed sleep schedule. I found it tedious, but we do all have our different ways.

@Ktime so OP should decline the invite?

How often do you see friends who live 1.6 hours away, anyway?

I read all the replies without paying much attention to the OP and was nodding along to the tricky napper stuff.

Then re-read that her kid is 19 months? That surprised me.

You’re not being unreasonable at all. They sound very rude. Did you know you’d have to leave at 12.30 after driving for 1.5 hours?! Wow. You could have stayed in the house quietly or go for a walk while your host made everyone lunch to eat one little one woke. I’d never tell people they had to leave like that after driving so long.

My child has ASC and would only nap according to strict routine.
It passed by the age of 2. It's a short period of time for a real friend.
I never made a friend work around me, they knew my situation and I knew theirs and thankfully I never lost any friends.

It doesn't stop you doing whatever you want though

You don't have to do anything with them

I’ve had three toddlers. The third is currently 18 months.

I have never had the pleasure of any of them falling asleep anywhere other than their beds or in a moving car.

Congratulations that you have kids who will sleep anywhere.

Consider that not all kids are like that. Consider how hard work toddlers are. Consider how much more hard work they are if they haven’t slept.

Visit your friend and plan your afternoon accordingly. You know you’ll be out on your ear at 12.30 so make sure you have a plan for what to do for the remainder of the day while you’re in the area.

I don’t think you’re unreasonable to be frustrated. 90% of the time I was rigid with naps but life also has to happen and I would never expect someone to travel 1h30 to mine with small children and then chuck them out. If she had an older child, it would be impossible to guarantee absolute silence during nap time. I also think she is being unreasonable not meeting half way which is the most sensible thing. She could get out early, have a nice morning play and then grab lunch and probably allow an hour of so nap in the car driving back. That sort of break from routine should be absolutely fine on the odd occasion otherwise she can’t ever go anywhere. Surely they leave the house at some point?

But the expectation on me and my children is frustrating me which makes me think I need to just say until we can be a bit more flexible in the length of time/where we can meet we maybe shouldn’t

I think you need to put your children first and stop making them sit in the car for three hours for an incredibly boring afternoon!

Id just tell her that she needs to come to you ‘next time’ so the balls in her court.

This. Either the friendship will survive the break and you will get back to doing things when her child is older. Or the friendship will fade away as you both meet different people. It is not compulsory to remain friends with someone forever.

They'll come out the other side and to their
Senses eventually.