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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

284 replies

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:17

So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

OP posts:
Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:55

NapoliTutti · 30/03/2023 19:37

I think you’re being unreasonable, my second child will only sleep in her cot and will just scream if she can’t sleep.
as another poster said… its way more annoying for the parent of a tricksy napper than the friend of. Either you want to see your friend or you don’t.

True, I understand their child will only sleep in a cot and that’s not really my issue, each to their own. But their expectation is we only travel to them (1hour30- each way) I have a 2 and a 6 year old and we can’t go in their house whilst child is asleep. They won’t travel out anywhere for the day, meet in the middle etc.

OP posts:
bussteward · 30/03/2023 19:56

DD would only ever do cot naps on the dark after the age of eight months. I’d have loved a “napped out and about” child, it is much easier! But you parent the kid you get, as hopefully your friends understand.

UndercoverCop · 30/03/2023 19:57

If you wanted to see them you could travel up at them in the morning go off for lunch/park etc while he naps then meet again in the afternoon. You don't have to if that doesn't work for your children and that's perfectly reasonable, but some children just don't sleep anywhere, and then become horrific screaming nightmares which wouldn't be much fun either. I doubt they are deliberately being difficult

UndercoverCop · 30/03/2023 19:57

*meet them

Dyslexicwonder · 30/03/2023 19:58

I have a friend who was like this with her DCs but even worse the immovable nap was 11-1, then lunch so basically couldn't do anything until 2pm or so. Not great when combined with the school run.

flutterbyebaby · 30/03/2023 19:59

You do not have to do anything that annoys you.

thecapitalsunited · 30/03/2023 20:01

My little one will only nap in her cot in a dark room because she doesn’t like to miss out. I’d never ask guests to leave though. I put my DD down for her nap and she rejoins the fun when she wakes.

drpet49 · 30/03/2023 20:02

pjani · 30/03/2023 19:27

This period of time will pass in the blink of an eye if you’re real friends. Shrug it off, I’d say. They probably need the downtime (not friends no kids nothing for 2 hours!! Bliss). Try and support them making choices that work for them.

This. You do realise that some kids aren’t textbook and have different ways to fall asleep.

35965a · 30/03/2023 20:03

Nobody chooses to have a baby that only naps in a cot, I had one who would sleep anywhere and one who would stay awake when we were out and be a screaming overtired mess. That one napped in a cot so I was completely stuck and honestly it was hell sometimes. The difference is I didn’t expect people to come to me around naps, so you shouldn’t have to bend over backwards to meet up with your friend. If it doesn’t suit you then just be honest - but nice! - about it.

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:05

drpet49 · 30/03/2023 20:02

This. You do realise that some kids aren’t textbook and have different ways to fall asleep.

Show quote history

Absolutely, all kids are different…but would you also expect your friend with a child who’s 2 and another 6 year old to travel a distance to see you then tell them to leave at 12:30. And that’s the only option and expectation.

OP posts:
coffee06 · 30/03/2023 20:06

It's not the nap that's the issue here really, it's the fact that you can't be in the house and the friend is expecting you to travel a long way with your own children, only to leave an hour or two after. I'd be a bit put out too to be honest.

As older babies, my children only slept in their cot too, but I find people who are total slaves to nap time a bit tedious to be honest. Say if they stick to their nap routine 6 days out of 7, what's the harm in one day being different? I know the over tiredness or whatever is hard, but it's part and parcel of having small kids and it's not like it's every day.

Where does it end? Would said friend, for example, not attend a wedding if it straddled the middle part of the day? Yes to a decent nap routine, but to not have an ounce of flexibility? Meh. I'd leave them to it.

thegrain · 30/03/2023 20:07

They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

They haven't. They've just found that is the way their child sleeps.

NoSquirrels · 30/03/2023 20:07

If they’re not willing to e.g. meet at an attraction in the morning that’s midway, and then take their toddler home early, in time for their nap, then YADNBU to say it doesn’t work for you to drive to them.

I wouldn’t drive an hour and a half to get kicked out at 12.30pm with small kids myself. No thank you.

35965a · 30/03/2023 20:07

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:05

Absolutely, all kids are different…but would you also expect your friend with a child who’s 2 and another 6 year old to travel a distance to see you then tell them to leave at 12:30. And that’s the only option and expectation.

Show quote history

She is being selfish but when you have a kid who won’t nap except for in perfect conditions it honestly frazzles your brain. She probable doesn’t realise how selfish it is.

thegrain · 30/03/2023 20:08

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:05

Absolutely, all kids are different…but would you also expect your friend with a child who’s 2 and another 6 year old to travel a distance to see you then tell them to leave at 12:30. And that’s the only option and expectation.

Show quote history

Are you sure it's not cos they can't handle you all for a longer period of time?

Broadbeachshallow · 30/03/2023 20:10

Yabu. You know this is the situation, so don't put yourself out and go over if leaving at naptime is going to be a problem for you. Your friend is fine to handle sleep as she sees fit, but she will miss out on a lot of social activity. The toddler will grow out of naps before long, amd the issue will resolve itself.

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:10

thegrain · 30/03/2023 20:08

Are you sure it's not cos they can't handle you all for a longer period of time?

Show quote history

If that’s the case meet us in the middle for a little play date? That can’t happen incase their child sleeps in the car. (I tried to suggest that before)

OP posts:
SparkyBlue · 30/03/2023 20:11

Why can't she put her child down for a nap while you remain in the house. It would annoy me as well I can't get my head around such rigid behaviour. None of mine had set naps and my eldest never napped during the day she was a nightmare so im possibly envious of people with good solid sleepers

VivaVivaa · 30/03/2023 20:12

I think you just need to get some boundaries, like your friend. I agree with you, it would be annoying to have the DC in the car for 3 hours in the morning. So just stop facilitating it if it doesn’t work for you. But likewise, don’t expect your friend to change what she’s doing.

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:12

SparkyBlue · 30/03/2023 20:11

Why can't she put her child down for a nap while you remain in the house. It would annoy me as well I can't get my head around such rigid behaviour. None of mine had set naps and my eldest never napped during the day she was a nightmare so im possibly envious of people with good solid sleepers

She said he won’t sleep with us in the house. But it’s quite a way for us to travel, his nap goes over a period from 12:30-2:30 sometimes 3pm, then he needs to eat. Again, not a problem but I get frustrated with that being the only option. They will not travel to us or meet half way.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/03/2023 20:13

I have friends who were like this. I found it mildly annoying but arranged days out with other people, and saw the Nap Regime friends when it suited us both. In your case I would say "It's a bit far to go just for a couple of hours. Let's wait until you're more free, and we'll be able to arrange stuff."

Looking back, I totally see the advantages of the regime. It gave those friends a 2 hour rest, avoided long days out with messy unplanned naps or tantrums, and kept the naps going longer. It was as much for the parent as the child.

Smartiepants79 · 30/03/2023 20:15

Markasread · 30/03/2023 19:32

The alternative is a screaming upset child. Some children are just like this. You can't impose your parenting style on someone else's baby. Just say what you're doing and they can fit in or not.

I agree with this.
I was quite anal about my children’s naps at that age. I needed them to sleep or I would have fallen apart. Their sleep and therefore their happiness levels and therefore my sanity mattered to me, a lot.
I think it’s bloody rude to suggest it was ‘precious’! It’s just what worked for us.
This is only going to be an issue for a limited time. Probably another year at the most.
Just do what you can and wait for it to pass.

Alannahxx · 30/03/2023 20:16

Your friend sounds totally weird....with both the sleep rules and her total lack of empathy in thinking of your travel time with your 2 children! I'd wait until the naps are not a thing for her if she's normally a nice person!

Bumble84 · 30/03/2023 20:18

My toddler is like this and whilst it can be annoying (for me and others I’m sure) it’s not the other people who would be dealing with her being overtired at 5pm and then waking in the night because of being overtired.

I wouldn’t have an issue with people being in the house right enough. I also wouldn’t expect you to travel to me, if you said no I wouldn’t take offence especially as you say it is 1.5hours. If you live that far from each other realistically how often are you trying to plan to meet up?

DuneLoafers · 30/03/2023 20:19

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:10

If that’s the case meet us in the middle for a little play date? That can’t happen incase their child sleeps in the car. (I tried to suggest that before)

Show quote history

Aha so the child does sleep in the car? And you live 90 mins away? Seems like a potential nap opportunity there!

I think YANBU but I do accept that some
children are less flexibile than others. She’s being a bit unreasonable to kick you out and not acknowledge how much more travelling and compromising you are doing.

She’s clearly fine to say what doesn’t work for you so you can do that too. The naps won’t last forever so if she’s a good friend then wait it out.

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