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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

284 replies

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:17

So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

OP posts:
CupEmpty · 30/03/2023 20:30

ARGH I find these threads SO frustrating. The cohort of “cool mums” who didn’t plan their lives around their children and they just adapted and can sleep anywhere. Well whoopdy- fucking- do. Aren’t you all marvellous.

No it’s luck. I have one of each. The difficult sleeper was TORTURE. I felt an utter failure and couldn’t understand how other people managed days out etc. she’s still like it at nearly 3. Needs to nap but can’t sleep in the pram, not in the car, nowhere but a dark room with white noise. Believe me I’ve tried. The other one, easy as pie, naps on the go, can be flexible and doesn’t really matter if skips a nap or it’s a bit later etc. I’ve done nothing different it’s how they were born, and at least that’s taught me the valuable lesson not to be a smug arsehole about it.

Sillybanana · 30/03/2023 20:30

they may not “have made it so”. They might have a very bad sleeper who won’t sleep any other way. Don’t presume everyone’s kids are like yours.

Morningcoffeeview · 30/03/2023 20:30

My eldest I didn’t make any real allowances for a nap because he’d nap anywhere and I could easily transfer him from the car to the house (or leave him in the car). My second only naps at home really, so I do try and get him home for his nap and will avoid not doing so. I do make exceptions though and it wouldn’t/doesn’t stop me travelling with him.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 30/03/2023 20:30

Markasread · 30/03/2023 19:32

The alternative is a screaming upset child. Some children are just like this. You can't impose your parenting style on someone else's baby. Just say what you're doing and they can fit in or not.

If they remain in the house while the child is asleep?!

Come on now. I know some kids aren't as easy going as others but this is just making a rod for your own back.

GreenWheat · 30/03/2023 20:30

Yeah, I would find that unworkable. Wait for it to pass then you can pick up with the day trips then. Is there anything you could combine a visit to them with? So see them in the morning then do something fun just your family in the afternoon?

Sillybanana · 30/03/2023 20:31

CupEmpty · 30/03/2023 20:30

ARGH I find these threads SO frustrating. The cohort of “cool mums” who didn’t plan their lives around their children and they just adapted and can sleep anywhere. Well whoopdy- fucking- do. Aren’t you all marvellous.

No it’s luck. I have one of each. The difficult sleeper was TORTURE. I felt an utter failure and couldn’t understand how other people managed days out etc. she’s still like it at nearly 3. Needs to nap but can’t sleep in the pram, not in the car, nowhere but a dark room with white noise. Believe me I’ve tried. The other one, easy as pie, naps on the go, can be flexible and doesn’t really matter if skips a nap or it’s a bit later etc. I’ve done nothing different it’s how they were born, and at least that’s taught me the valuable lesson not to be a smug arsehole about it.

Exactly!! Couldn’t agree more with this!

BeanCounterBabe · 30/03/2023 20:31

My kids were nap dodging monsters. Luckily due to PT work/grandparent childcare they were only in nursery two days a week. They didn’t sleep at nursery. Oldest wouldn’t sleep in the car but would nap late 4.30-5.30 ish, eat tea then go down for the night at 7.00. She hadn’t read the baby books. I was intending to be a go with the flow, take baby anywhere parent, never read Gina Ford. I had to parent the babies I had, and they struggled to nap with any distractions.

I would just stop meeting this friend for a few months and pick up the days out again when the DC grows out of naps. If anything like my two you won’t be waiting long.

nomoremerlot · 30/03/2023 20:32

@Abcdef12 you are quite horrible to your friend? Don't be fooled she doesn't notice your judgement.

CherryCokeFanatic · 30/03/2023 20:33

Don’t go any more

1hr 30 mins each way? Cost of living is a great excuse. Say you can’t afford the petrol and will see them in future when you can get a full day together

OnMyWayToSenility · 30/03/2023 20:33

This is an awful judgemental thread!
I had kids that would be similar sleep in a dark room for 2 hours of bliss full silence 🤣 it was my only time alone in peace.
Although I didn't expect anyone to work around this and found the time to see friends and didn't expect them to travel to see me.

VivaVivaa · 30/03/2023 20:33

If these toddlers do genuinely exist, how on earth do nurseries manage them?

DS used to crash out at 3:30pm for 30 minutes in either fits of hysterical laughter or tears (or both), before stopping napping at nursery completely at 21 months (carried on at home until 2.4). Needless to say, 5pm onwards in our house was a complete disaster on his 2 nursery days for 6 or so months. I don’t blame anyone for trying to avoid that.

coffee06 · 30/03/2023 20:35

@Bumble84 Good question.

I'd make exceptions for family, friends I hadn't seen for a while and any event (wedding, christening etc.). Don't get me wrong, I love a routine, but I want to look back and know that I've lived life. As long as DC were napping well most days that week, I'd be good.

I do wonder whether people ever look back and regret it. Not seeing the people that they love and enjoy spending time with them because they have to be home for a nap.

My eldest DD napped until the summer just before she started school! Can't imagine 4 years of being held to ransom by naps.

Albiboba · 30/03/2023 20:36

coffee06 · 30/03/2023 20:21

@Abcdef12 But surely the child would still have a 1.5 hour nap in the car? That's still a decent nap?!

Gosh, I can't imagine being this tedious about a nap for one day. I wonder if she'll look back and think about stuff she's missed out on because she was a slave to naps.

Like I said, absolutely yes to a nap routine for the typical day-to-day. But people who can't make a single exception to that...? I find it sad.

It’s not a ‘single exception’ though is it? This is just a random meet-up with a friend. They are probably also getting pressure to make one little exception for MILs birthday, Christmas, a family get together, summer activities, holidays etc. The reality is there are tonnes of people who feel like you owe them your time.
These parents have made a decision that they feel is in their best interests. Maybe they need the rest because the baby still doesn’t sleep well at night, maybe the child is a nightmare for the rest of the day without a good nap, maybe they are like mine and would do 2hs in the cot but 15 mins if out and about in the pram.

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2023 20:36

Starseeed · 30/03/2023 19:38

Everyone is not the same as you. My kid was not flexible with his naps at all and didn’t sleep at night if he hadn’t had a nap. It was exhausting.

So I’d say get your nose out of your friend’s business, and if you think of yourself as friends then try supporting them in getting through the relentlessness of having small children, and stop being reliant on them for entertainment.

You’re presumably an adult - are you not able to find other friends or entertain yourself or do things alone when you want to do things that aren’t compatible with the time they have available?

But this works two ways. They want to see OP. They expect OP to visit. She's also got a 2 yo so assume kids up, bfast and leave, by 8.30. 90 minute journey. Get there for 10. Midday nap and they must leave. So 3 hours round trip for 2 hours morning visit. No lunch. Probably no soft play etc. Everything a rush to get them out the house for 12

Tryphenia · 30/03/2023 20:37

pjani · 30/03/2023 19:27

This period of time will pass in the blink of an eye if you’re real friends. Shrug it off, I’d say. They probably need the downtime (not friends no kids nothing for 2 hours!! Bliss). Try and support them making choices that work for them.

I think that’s fair. Specially if their child is high-needs, non-sleeping etc. Sometimes you get the crappy choice between a cast-iron routine and everyone barely function from exhaustion. It won’t last, and your friend is likely to be suffering more from it than you…

WimpoleHat · 30/03/2023 20:37

Leave them to it. Let them do what they want to do - but I certainly wouldn’t be travelling a long way for an hour and a half. Apart from anything else, it’s not really fair on your kids. Don’t fall out over it if they’re good friends - but just don’t make arrangements. Be noncommittal. Be busy. But don’t do things that clearly don’t work for you.

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:38

nomoremerlot · 30/03/2023 20:32

@Abcdef12 you are quite horrible to your friend? Don't be fooled she doesn't notice your judgement.

Can I ask how I’m being horrible though? I haven’t told her she’s wrong. Just expressing the fact it frustrates me how I’m being expected to take my children on a 3 hour round trip to see her and her son because she won’t meet in the middle or come to us because of his nap and then not being able to stay in the house whilst he has a nap so then really limiting the time we actually spend there.

I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old my children aren’t teenagers.

OP posts:
Sugargliderwombat · 30/03/2023 20:38

They havent made jt this way 🤪. My baby never slept as a newborn. We got him used to our bedroom as a priority, we're working on having naps out and about but it messes up his sleep for days. He has never slept in a car, rarely in a pram. If we get to 18 months and he's still like this I imagine I will be like your friend and just give up and succumb to his nap routine.

If you don't like it don't see them until he drops his nap.

coffee06 · 30/03/2023 20:38

@Albiboba and why shouldn't they make exceptions for those things as well?

Sorry I can't do Christmas - nap.
Sorry I can't do holiday - nap.
Sorry I can't see you on your birthday MIL - nap.

I doubt these things are all happening in one week!

SleepingStandingUp · 30/03/2023 20:38

I think @Abcdef12 you just have to accept it's different for now. You've done lots of effort, it's ok to change how you do it. Would she meet you half way for dinner without kids? Re day meets, just say "tbh, the kids are in the car for 3 hours and we can't do longer than 2 hours with you so it's not fair on them. Let's leave it for the moment, until he's napping less or later.

whynotwhatknot · 30/03/2023 20:39

so every single day she doesnt go anywhere at all and expects everyone to visit them till 12 and then leave
bonkers

Snugglemonkey · 30/03/2023 20:40

PinkButtercups · 30/03/2023 19:31

I mean if their routine works for them so be it. Not every child is flexible for their naps. I'm lucky that mine are and used to noise.

If you go there could you not pop out for some lunch then return when the child wakes up from their nap?

This is what I would do.

WashableVelvet · 30/03/2023 20:40

They are not BU for following the nap schedule that works for them, and they probably didn’t choose to make it so. But If they’re really pressuring you to do the 3h round trip despite knowing it doesn’t work for you, that would BU.

But…are they really pressuring you? Or are they just assuming it’s fine with you because you’ve never said out loud what you’ve said here (maaaaybe minus the bit about them choosing this 😂) and are just seething internally?

I have friends like this. We’ve even been like it ourselves sometimes, fortunately for relatively short periods. But when those friends invite us round, they’ve never got offended when I cheerfully reply something like “would love to, but 3h in the car all in one morning doesn’t work for us at the moment, how about [a drink after work instead / leaving it til they’re out od this phase]

Sugargliderwombat · 30/03/2023 20:40

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:38

Can I ask how I’m being horrible though? I haven’t told her she’s wrong. Just expressing the fact it frustrates me how I’m being expected to take my children on a 3 hour round trip to see her and her son because she won’t meet in the middle or come to us because of his nap and then not being able to stay in the house whilst he has a nap so then really limiting the time we actually spend there.

I have a 2 year old and a 6 year old my children aren’t teenagers.

Show quote history

I think the poster might mean this whole post OP 😆. Does she actually expect you to? Or does she just say she can only do X at X time? Annoying but either take it or leave it.

Growlybear83 · 30/03/2023 20:43

I can understand why you find it frustrating that your friend won't go out for a whole day, particularly with the time it takes you to get to see her. Putting her child in a dark room for a nap at a specific time isn't something I ever did, or any of my friends, but there's not much you can do if that's the way she orgs she's her day, but why do you have to leave the house while the child is asleep? That seems really odd.