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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

284 replies

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:17

So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

OP posts:
saraclara · 30/03/2023 20:20

This is mad. How come there are so many people on this thread who do the same? I've never known a single mum (and I was lucky enough to have a really wide social circle of fellow mums when mine were babies/toddlers) who was like this, or had kids who really couldn't adapt.

If these toddlers do genuinely exist, how on earth do nurseries manage them?
Well frankly, they don't. They don't ban everyone from the building while a toddler sleeps in the pitch dark. Nor do child minders.

I wouldn't dream of throwing out guests who'd travelled for an hour and a half to visit me, or expecting them to go to the park or spend money on a lunch somewhere, until they get a text to say "he's awake".

This is strictly a SAHM thing, not a baby thing. I'm not knocking SAHMs, as I was one until mine started school. But it's not an intractable issue.

thegrain · 30/03/2023 20:21

Just don't go and see them. Problem solved

coffee06 · 30/03/2023 20:21

@Abcdef12 But surely the child would still have a 1.5 hour nap in the car? That's still a decent nap?!

Gosh, I can't imagine being this tedious about a nap for one day. I wonder if she'll look back and think about stuff she's missed out on because she was a slave to naps.

Like I said, absolutely yes to a nap routine for the typical day-to-day. But people who can't make a single exception to that...? I find it sad.

Dinosauratemydaffodils · 30/03/2023 20:22

Just don't organise meetings unless it works for you. Friendships should be both ways and that doesn't sound as if it is.

Both of mine didn't nap in the cot however and by 19 months didn't nap at all. I did arrange things around local friends with napping children but an hour and a half drive with two small children for essentially a visit of probably the same length...no way. It's not fair on your children.

raincamepouringdown · 30/03/2023 20:22

I knew someone who did this with their PFB years ago. They really regretted it....

Just carry on and find some new friends at playgroups/babygroups, etc. They've made a rod for their own back.

SparkyBlue · 30/03/2023 20:22

I wouldn't be traveling to see her OP. Absolutely no way. If she has been an otherwise good friend over the years just grit your teeth and wait another year or two until she gets back to herself again.

Albiboba · 30/03/2023 20:23

Or course you can plan a whole day. They aren’t stopping you from doing anything.

They have chosen to prioritise their toddlers sleep for the short amount of time that they need a nap. They shouldn’t be pressured to mess with that or else you don’t ever want to see them.

Well done you … you think it’s down to your own doing and your own brilliant parenting that your babies were flexible and slept anywhere. That’s not the case though. It’s largely luck.

saraclara · 30/03/2023 20:23

In your case I would say "It's a bit far to go just for a couple of hours. Let's wait until you're more free, and we'll be able to arrange stuff."

Yep. I'd just not go, and explain that a three hour return journey just isn't working for a one or two hour visit. After all, you have your own toddler to manage.

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 30/03/2023 20:24

I had a friend that was horrible to me over stuff like this. My DC would only sleep well in a dark room at home and wouldn’t nap in a pram. If he didn’t nap, the following night was hell for everyone. She was so smug that her DCs just slept wherever, and how her life didn’t revolve around them. It made me feel awful.

You’re being totally unreasonable and I find it hard to believe your friend is demanding you go there and then leave early.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/03/2023 20:24

If these toddlers do genuinely exist, how on earth do nurseries manage them?

Actually my DS's nursery was equally rigid about naptime. They couldn't accept it when DS quit daytime naps about 18 months - it messed up all their plans. But he wore them down in the end Grin.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 30/03/2023 20:25

Just tell them you will see them in September 2025 when he starts school!

dryingontheradiatior · 30/03/2023 20:25

I have friends like this. My DD would sleep where we were, they had to go home for naps.

The truth is all parents are different and do things differently. Just don't plan full days with them. This phase doesn't last forever.

Mine dropped naps at a young age and the truth is I wish I'd stayed home more during naps!

saraclara · 30/03/2023 20:26

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/03/2023 20:24

If these toddlers do genuinely exist, how on earth do nurseries manage them?

Actually my DS's nursery was equally rigid about naptime. They couldn't accept it when DS quit daytime naps about 18 months - it messed up all their plans. But he wore them down in the end Grin.

I don't think they were equally rigid, unless they threw all the other children and staff out of the building while someone's pfb slept in total darkness in a sound vacuum.

Bumble84 · 30/03/2023 20:26

@coffee06

Like I said, absolutely yes to a nap routine for the typical day-to-day. But people who can't make a single exception to that...? I find it sad.

the problem starts with who do you make an exception for? I do make exceptions for family things (parents and sisters) and on the odd occasion. If you start making exceptions before you know it your doing that more than not.

GreyGoose1980 · 30/03/2023 20:26

i stick rigidly to DD’s nap in her cot at the same time as otherwise she won’t sleep which means she’s up all night. If your children sleep well at night with a relaxed nap schedule you are really lucky OP but your friend may be how she is to protect her well-being. I’d cut her some slack if she’s an otherwise good friend as this time will pass and you don’t know how much lack of sleep she’s facing at night.

dryingontheradiatior · 30/03/2023 20:27

Also it's worth considering that not all kids will sleep under the same conditions and an over tired toddler means less sleep at night too. If she is a true friend this shouldn't impact your friendship at all.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/03/2023 20:27

Mine dropped naps at a young age and the truth is I wish I'd stayed home more during naps!

Yeah, me too. I didn't know it was the last rest I would get for years!

OhcantthInkofaname · 30/03/2023 20:27

OMG. My Youngest DS just had their 1st child. A few months ago they called and asked me about this $1400USD device that was supposed to help babies sleep. I said if they wanted the 14 month old that couldn't soothe themselves to sleep then buy it. They understood my logic and didn't. I got my hints on helping infant sleep by looking at the way my cousin handled her children. She had a houseful, over 12. She kept the infant was in a bassinet in the middle of the living area. She had so many DC she could not expect them to be quiet so she got the baby used to sleeping through chaos.

Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 20:28

They are ridiculous. So annoying. No wonder their babies don't sleep with all this pandering and fussing around. Just don't bother with them till they grow out of this nonsense.

nomoremerlot · 30/03/2023 20:28

Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 19:37

Thanks for answers so far it’s interesting!

I think my frustration comes from the fact they won’t travel for a day trip due to the nap, so that rules that out and for us to go to them it’s an hour and a half drive, to then stay until the child naps. It’s a long way to take our children for a short space of time, but they don’t understand this and think we should which is probably my frustration.

My feelings at the moment are to let them do what they need to do but stop trying to organise something that equally doesn’t work for us.

Fine, you do that!

RollingInTheCreek · 30/03/2023 20:28

saraclara · 30/03/2023 20:23

In your case I would say "It's a bit far to go just for a couple of hours. Let's wait until you're more free, and we'll be able to arrange stuff."

Yep. I'd just not go, and explain that a three hour return journey just isn't working for a one or two hour visit. After all, you have your own toddler to manage.

This!
FWIW I’m a specialist nurse with a booked up clinic. Called a patient to triage and book them to come in for their procedure- the first date/time didn’t work as it was her toddlers nap time and the second date/time didn’t work as it was during her toddlers lunch.
She had the cheek to tell me I wasn’t being flexible! People are MENTAL about routine.
I have 2 kids so I’ve been there but I had v little patience!

TheChosenTwo · 30/03/2023 20:28

My db and sil were so militant about schedules and naps right from the day they brought their first ds home from hospital. We just swerved them for a whole to be honest, it was a pain for us trying to organise meeting up with them while they were agonising about what to do when, and they didn’t want to spoil their routines to spend time with us so we did other quick things during their wake windows and then at 6pm they’d rush home to do the bath and bed routine every single night. I still find it weird that people are so inflexible with their kids as much as they’d find our much less routine led schedule weird!
anyway, we see them a lot more now their boys have grown up (teens) and they don’t have to dash off for bath and stories and bed 😂 although dh and I so still have a quiet chuckle and ask each other “what time do you think they’ll be off?” just before they arrive 🤣 we do love them!!!

MajorCarolDanvers · 30/03/2023 20:28

Your friend is mad!

But if you want to stay friends then make this a post-nap afternoon friend and do full day stuff with other friends.

thegrain · 30/03/2023 20:29

Viviennemary · 30/03/2023 20:28

They are ridiculous. So annoying. No wonder their babies don't sleep with all this pandering and fussing around. Just don't bother with them till they grow out of this nonsense.

Their babies do sleep! Just in the dark

Original poster
Abcdef12 · 30/03/2023 20:29

Sobloodysoreandfedup · 30/03/2023 20:24

I had a friend that was horrible to me over stuff like this. My DC would only sleep well in a dark room at home and wouldn’t nap in a pram. If he didn’t nap, the following night was hell for everyone. She was so smug that her DCs just slept wherever, and how her life didn’t revolve around them. It made me feel awful.

You’re being totally unreasonable and I find it hard to believe your friend is demanding you go there and then leave early.

That’s quite funny- so I’d make up the fact we have to leave for the sake of who? The point of asking my question is wondering if me feeling frustrated by this is reasonable/unreasonable. Bit pointless of me to ask if I’m going to make things up isn’t it?

To note I’ve never been horrible to my friend, she has to do what she has to do. But the expectation on me and my children is frustrating me which makes me think I need to just say until we can be a bit more flexible in the length of time/where we can meet we maybe shouldn’t.

OP posts: