AIBU to be a bit fed up of planning everything around a friends toddlers nap?

[Abcdef12]

So our friend has 1 DS age 19 months. We have two DDs age 2 and 6. They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

I do understand everyone does their own thing… but I find it quite often frustrating. I probably feel this way because I didn’t plan anything around either of my DCs naps. They slept wherever we were.

AIBU to feel slightly fed up we can never plan a whole day somewhere because of it? I think it would be different if we lived locally or doing park trips but they live about 1 hour 30 from us so going all that way to be told at 12:30 we have to leave as he needs a nap is a bit annoying. (No one allowed in the house whilst he’s sleeping).

Maybe time to just accept right now we can’t do too much together until the time when their child stops sleeping in the day?!

How often are you seeing this friend that it's such a big deal?

Unless it's a big occasion, I either meet up with friends first thing then home for nap time, or after 2pm! Otherwise my 19 months old would be a terror at bedtime if they didn't get their proper nap. That easy bedtime and happy baby is worth more to me than the convenience of another person.

I agree, it's really not a big deal! I assume they can't be very good friends if this is a dealbreaker

My friend is insisting. She wants to meet but then refuses to travel herself or meet half way…every time. It’s getting frustrating now.

Yes that would make sense if we lived in the same town. But we don’t.

What do you mean by "insisting"?

Surely you just say "No driving that distance doesn't work for MY children"?

Are you afraid of her???

No one can insist.

They ask, you say No thanks, thats it.

In your place I wouldn't dream of inflicting a 90 minute drive on small children for a couple of hours.

Not a chance.

You can also say you will meet up again when they can meet half way, other than that, no thanks.

Invest your time in local friends and toddler groups.

My friend is insisting. She wants to meet but then refuses to travel herself or meet half way…every time. It’s getting frustrating now.
They don't get to insist. It's as simple as that.

Either:

1. They meet you part way and then they can travel back in time for nap time

Or

1. They can accept that because their priority (no judgement) is their DC's fixed nap time in specific places and conditions, that until the routine changes their social life will have to reflect that change in priorities.

Either of those works well and friendships can stand each other having different phases with DC.

What will ruin a friendship is their belief that their child is the first DC to ever need a quiet space to nap AND they think everyone else should accommodate them with no flexibility on their part.

The issue isn't that they have a schedule for their DC that works for them. The issue is that they are selfish.

Just say 'Sorry that doesn't work for our kids right now. It's too long in the car for them for such a short visit. Maybe when they're older'.

And rephrase and repeat if necessary.

Yes- I’m not afraid to say that. The point of my post was AIBU to feel frustrated- I was doubting my own feelings. Seeing my feelings are justified has helped me to feel confident in them. Although I do feel my friend is in the camp that would think I’m selfish and judgemental! (Few posters have said that on my post)

I think everyone clearing out so he can nap is a bit much, but I also think you sound a bit judgey saying that 'they have made it' so that he only sleeps in his cot in pitch dark, one of my dc was like that, another would sleep anywhere, the others were somewhere in between. As a pp said this stage won't last forever, when our dc and our friends dc were small we were a bit limited when it came to days out, but we worked around it and are still friends nearly 30 years later.

But they have made it like that. They won’t let their son sleep anywhere else. They don’t want him to sleep in the car. He never has been a bad sleeper. We went on a little holiday and they refused to let their child fall asleep in a buggy, if he did he’d be picked up and walked to their room. I don’t think it’s judgemental at all to just say it how it is in that respect. I’m talking about my friend and their way, not anyone else and their child- and I’m not saying my friend is wrong in their approach to parenting, I’m saying it’s frustrating me having to work around a very rigid and strict nap schedule without consideration for my children too.

I’m saying it’s frustrating me having to work around a very rigid and strict nap schedule without consideration for my children too.
This is the central issue.

Whatever they've decided to do for their child is up to them. They need to accept that by choosing that path, it will affect their socialising opportunities.

It doesn't matter how they've chosen to parent. It does matter that they think their friends and their friends' children should dance to whatever tune they've decided is essential for their precious DC, who must be top priority for everyone at all times.

Well it reads to me that you should not bother considering them so much and what they want, and think of your own children a bit more.

I wouldn't get frustrated by this.
The first time I was asked to leave after driving for 90 minutes with my children, for a nap, would be the last time.

I would think it rude and I certainly wouldn't put myself in that position again.

Your boundaries are weak, that is why you are frustrated.

If your boundaries were stronger, this wouldn't have happened more than once.

I’m amazed at how different opinions are on here. To some I’m selfish, judgemental and need to give her a break and to others I need to be firmer and just say ‘no’.

I did not think it would be such a controversial topic when posting!!

I did not think it would be such a controversial topic when posting!!

It's Mumsnet. Everything is controversial 😂

They have made it so their child can only sleep in his cot in the pitch black silence.

Sounds like good sleep hygiene to me.

Both my children are like this. I started the routine when they both hit around 4/5 months old. Meant they both had about 2.5 hours day sleep and 12/13 hours night sleep every day without fail.

I know I would rather that than I few days out with a mate who slags me off on mumsnet.

From your comment you’d think I’d laid into her!

I'm honestly surprised that so many people are able to essentially "block book" 3-4 hours during a day (when you factor in lunch etc) where you can guarantee you'll be at home with minimal noise every day for around 2 years.
And not go out for a day, or even half a day if you need to be home before the nap starts.

Fizbosshoes
Same here.

I have friends who had very high needs babies and the difficult napping stage was hard for them, but they got on with it, found what worked for their DC, adapted their social lives for that phas, and found an alternative as soon as possible because they didn't want to be chained to the house/car/buggy indefinitely.

The way some people go on about their precious DC's nap routine and requirements that can never be deviated from, can't show any flexibility to their friends but expect friends to jump etc always comes across to me as a bit uptight, controlling, and like they enjoy the fuss.

Off topic on a silly note, it reminds me of dog owners with reactive dogs who like to tell everyone who'll listen that their dog is reactive, and their dog needs A,B,C and everyone on earth should avoid doing simple daily life things because their dog is the first dog to have walked the earth.

@Abcdef12 well, you have a bit.

Discussing a frustration trying to get an opinion is not bashing a friend. If I’d had an overwhelming majority here telling me I was being unreasonable I would have done some serious thinking about what my problem is but what I’ve actually seen is my feelings are justified. I don’t know if you understand what Mumsnet is?

I think you have correctly used MN for a variety of responses.

Nothing really bashing about it.

I hope it will help you to strengthen your boundaries and put your childrens comfort to the front of your arrangements more....just like your friend!

Once my kids turned one they would only sleep at home and they really needed their naps.

We would see friends in the morning or catch up later in the afternoon. If it was a big event we’d book a babysitter.

It really wasn’t a big deal.

I understand they want to keep their child's routine intact, but why do you have to leave? What a strange thing to do, "nobody in the house while DS naps", so will he never attend daycare or be with a childminder? Why do they not offer to put your toddler down for a nap too, or if she doesn't need it maybe a quiet activity like watching Bumba on TV? I suppose your 6 year old can refrain herself from screaming loudly while your friend's child naps? This sounds as if they only want to see you a few hours (if even that) in the morning. I wouldn't feel welcome at all. Your socalled friend is using you for a bit of company and then throws you out. I wouldn't go anymore.

I’m with you!
I have had these friends too and it just means they miss out if we go out in a bigger group. They wouldn’t even take them to baby classes etc. as didn’t fit into napping/ feeding schedule. I took DD from 6 months old (only this late due to Covid) for swimming lessons. They were at an inconvenient time but I said that DD would either nap on the return from the pool or would miss the nap if she had gone past it. Sometimes she was so exhausted I’d have to carry her into the pool asleep. But there is no way I would run my life around a nap schedule and miss out. It meant DD stopped napping at just turned 2, and we had a while where she would be grumpy from the cut nap but soon adjusted.