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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

I am an alcoholic

217 replies

Dandelions18 · 30/03/2023 13:44

As the title says (posting here for traffic)

I drink a bottle to a bottle and a half of wine every night. Sometimes 2 at the weekend.

I want to stop but I'm scared of withdrawals and possibly having a seizure and dying.

I am a single parent to teenage children (one only 13) and after seeking help before I was put off because (quite reasonably) SS were contacted. They found everything fine as I'm functioning...but I'm not fine. My children see me with a glass in my hand every night but I don't want them to know I'm (even more) a failure as a parent if SS have to work with us so feel I can't go to the GP

I have a fantastic relationship with them but I know they (quite rightly) judge me for my drinking and I'm setting a disgusting example. I feel shit every morning because I don't sleep well. If I take a night off from drinking I cannot sleep at all.

Please help me stop drinking safely? I am a long term poster and have name changed because I am ashamed. I know posting on here will get me flamed and I know I deserve it. I know people will tell me just to go to GP and SS are there to help, I'm doing my children a disservice by not doing so. I know all this.

I have just started therapy for past trauma and I know that's why I abuse my body, but I haven't told my counsellor about my drinking.

I hate even the taste now, I hate myself and everything about his but I'm frightened to stop suddenly in case I die.

Please, is there anyway I can stop drinking safely without going to the GP?

OP posts:
FallSpringing · 30/03/2023 23:09

Couldn't read and run. Please OP be kind to yourself right now. People can be so judgemental. It's easy to forget that we all make mistakes, we all slip up and fall sometimes. You sound like you have a really good insight into the problem and are ready to address this. Wishing you all the best 💐

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 30/03/2023 23:16

Dandelions18 · 30/03/2023 20:49

I am so pleased it worked out for you! Flowers

I think I was just unlucky who was assigned to me previously, but now I have a complete fear of putting myself in that position again. I felt great not drinking then I was made to feel like a criminal with no support. I can't risk that again. I just want to completely stop an I know I an as long as I know I can do it safely. I don't care about lack of sleep because I know it will be short term, I'm just scared about having a seizure because I've drank practically every night or over a year.

I get diazepam for anxiety so I have been saving them up (barring a few I have needed to leave the house as I struggle with that) but from googling I don't have enough yet. They are only 2mg and I only get 14 every 2 months to help with going outside.

I have wanted to do this for months. I'm just scared of what will happen after what happened to my family member. I'm a month off being able to possibly get more 2mg but I want to stop now. I hate this. I can't drink at all, I need to stop now. I have pains in my abdomen and I know it's because I abuse alcohol. I'm scared it's too late but I read that the liver heals quickly so I'm hoping I haven't permanently scarred my liver.

All you're doing there is swapping one addictive substance for another.

Stop trying to think of ways to do this by yourself. Speak to your local drug and alcohol service.

Yazo · 30/03/2023 23:19

Please get some help, I know it seems impossible but you really should go to your GP. It may result in a SS referral but that's better than the alternatives. The chances of kicking it on your own is very small and you need to know what state your liver is in. My friend died last year of liver cirrhosis, I didn't even know she drank. For women even a moderate amount, if it's every day for a long time can cause irreparable damage, don't leave it too late like my friend. Because sadly, if you're gone social services will be involved anyway. Alcoholism is a disease, it's not controllable, you don't know if you're on the right side of a line between going too far or over it, because the addiction preserves itself more than anything else. In the meantime Mandy Saligari has brilliant things to say on the topic. I was shocked when my friend died, she was seeing a counsellor, she was functioning, her son was at school every morning, she worked and then her body stopped. Please get some help, there's no failure in it, taking responsibility come what may will be such a powerful example and gift to your kids. Good luck!

Dandelions18 · 30/03/2023 23:26

LittleBlueBrioTrain · 30/03/2023 23:16

All you're doing there is swapping one addictive substance for another.

Stop trying to think of ways to do this by yourself. Speak to your local drug and alcohol service.

I am not and have never been addicted to diazepam. That's not a concern. Its used to alleviate alcohol withdrawal symptoms. I haven't been prescribed them for that reason granted but as I struggle to leave the house most days I haven't used up the ones prescribed to me because I planned to use them for stopping drinking. I only take 2mg if I have to go somewhere busy as I have panic attacks. My problem is alcohol, not prescription drugs.

OP posts:
Burnamer · 30/03/2023 23:27

Dandelions18 · 30/03/2023 22:12

I hadn't realised you were the PP that said OP wants the drama and attention of people telling her she’s great and poor her and she can do this.

The fact you've been through it yourself and can still be so nasty is mind boggling. I'll save myself more upset by communicating with you further.

I did wonder what you were going to say to me tbf given your previous post.
I hope you get sober OP.

Dandelions18 · 30/03/2023 23:28

Yazo · 30/03/2023 23:19

Please get some help, I know it seems impossible but you really should go to your GP. It may result in a SS referral but that's better than the alternatives. The chances of kicking it on your own is very small and you need to know what state your liver is in. My friend died last year of liver cirrhosis, I didn't even know she drank. For women even a moderate amount, if it's every day for a long time can cause irreparable damage, don't leave it too late like my friend. Because sadly, if you're gone social services will be involved anyway. Alcoholism is a disease, it's not controllable, you don't know if you're on the right side of a line between going too far or over it, because the addiction preserves itself more than anything else. In the meantime Mandy Saligari has brilliant things to say on the topic. I was shocked when my friend died, she was seeing a counsellor, she was functioning, her son was at school every morning, she worked and then her body stopped. Please get some help, there's no failure in it, taking responsibility come what may will be such a powerful example and gift to your kids. Good luck!

I'm so sorry about your friend.

I know I'm damaging myself. My last liver function test was fine but that was 2 years ago. I feel pains so I know I need to do this now.

OP posts:
Dandelions18 · 30/03/2023 23:32

Burnamer · 30/03/2023 23:27

I did wonder what you were going to say to me tbf given your previous post.
I hope you get sober OP.

You'd mentioned about your own struggle so I had wanted to PM you until I realised it was you who said what you did. That was all.

Thank you.

OP posts:
Yazo · 30/03/2023 23:46

@Dandelions18 you can do it, call the GP in the morning. Addictions thrive in shame and secrecy. I wish so much my friend had told me and everyone going. She'd be here today if she had. The people I've known who have kicked it have told everyone, it takes so much courage and time but so worth it. All the best.

reluctantadmissions · 30/03/2023 23:50

Hi op. I can completely empathise with you as I too was drinking a bottle of wine every day.

I would have the occasional night off but on the whole easily going through 7 bottles in a week and added extras on a night out. That said, I don't believe I was physically dependent on alcohol. I only drank in the evenings but before I stopped I was watching my body for physical symptoms and I had none. I didn't get the shakes or hot flushes etc.

Maybe it was uneducated on my part but I decide 2 weeks ago to just stop. Now, I won't lie and tell you that my sleep wasn't effected because honestly I didn't sleep for about 3 nights. I was tossing and turning and my brain wouldn't stop. BUT.... I still felt better in the morning for not drinking. And each night my sleep just improved.

I realise you're worried about the physical addiction but do you have any reason to believe you actually are? Everything I read suggested the risks of stopping are only associated with those that are physically addicted and for that you would have actual symptoms.

Right now you are playing that negative mantra in your head over and over (I know because I've done it) which only tells you your fears are right and breaks down your courage. My advice would be to listen to your body. Do you have physics withdrawal symptoms? If not then you can stop. Accept you won't sleep well and don't beat yourself up for it. I decided to tell myself I may not be sleeping but my body is resting. I can sleep next week. I read books. I searched the internet (including how to give up drinking) and I got up each morning pleased I'd had a dry day.

Of course if you do have signs of physical addiction then this is terrible advice but as you can see from a lot of previous posters, the amount you are drinking often doesn't generate that physical addiction. Good luck to you.

Dandelions18 · 30/03/2023 23:51

Yazo · 30/03/2023 23:46

@Dandelions18 you can do it, call the GP in the morning. Addictions thrive in shame and secrecy. I wish so much my friend had told me and everyone going. She'd be here today if she had. The people I've known who have kicked it have told everyone, it takes so much courage and time but so worth it. All the best.

Addictions thrive in shame and secrecy

This is so true. Thank you.

OP posts:
Dandelions18 · 30/03/2023 23:56

Thanks again everyone. I'm going to concentrate on my next steps and will update in a week just incase anyone is following.

I can't express my gratitude enough to every single person who has taken the time to offer support, tough love and advice. When I posted I just felt alone and I needed some sense knocked into me. Obviously my biggest fear at that point was physical withdrawals but I have taken on board everything that's been said and I know there are options. Thank you x

OP posts:
FetlocksBlowing · 31/03/2023 00:06

girljulian · 30/03/2023 14:03

A bottle of wine a day is a lot and far over the recommended level of units, but I don't think it's anywhere near so much that you'd go into massive physical withdrawal if you just stopped? My M-I-L used to drink similar. She just stopped -- and she's in her mid sixties with multiple other health conditions. She wanted to stop for her health, so she did. I would really suggest just going cold turkey.

I agree with this.
I just stopped one day, went to AA and haven't had a drink in the last nearly 6 years.
Tapering is hard and counter intuitive.
Try just stopping OP, but get support.

Sleepyandconfused · 31/03/2023 00:17

With the amount you’re drinking, I don’t think you’re at serious risk of withdrawals or death. I used to drink a similar amount and quit cold turkey with no issues at all. Don’t get me wrong - you’re drinking far too much. But you won’t die if you quit.

My advice would be this. Either, to reassure yourself, buy a low alcohol wine and / or make sure you only have one bottle in the house. An easy way to know that you’ve reduced the amount you’re drinking. Keep it at one bottle a day for a couple of weeks. Then reduce further. It helped me to remember that a bottle of wine is just three large glasses of wine. Thinking of it like that scared me less. It’s easy to eventually cut it down to two glasses a day. From two glasses a day you can cut down to nothing much more easily.

Im not a professional but I’ve been there, and I know a lot of other people who have too. Good for you for admitting you have a problem but you’re not too far gone yet. You can undo this, I promise! Good luck!

704703hey · 31/03/2023 03:22

Sleepyandconfused · 31/03/2023 00:17

With the amount you’re drinking, I don’t think you’re at serious risk of withdrawals or death. I used to drink a similar amount and quit cold turkey with no issues at all. Don’t get me wrong - you’re drinking far too much. But you won’t die if you quit.

My advice would be this. Either, to reassure yourself, buy a low alcohol wine and / or make sure you only have one bottle in the house. An easy way to know that you’ve reduced the amount you’re drinking. Keep it at one bottle a day for a couple of weeks. Then reduce further. It helped me to remember that a bottle of wine is just three large glasses of wine. Thinking of it like that scared me less. It’s easy to eventually cut it down to two glasses a day. From two glasses a day you can cut down to nothing much more easily.

Im not a professional but I’ve been there, and I know a lot of other people who have too. Good for you for admitting you have a problem but you’re not too far gone yet. You can undo this, I promise! Good luck!

I was going to say this as well - I can be a bit sporadic with alcohol intake but it's not as fearful as you think it might be. As long as you eat properly and bear with a day feeling hideous, you'll self correct. That is the easy part.

It's the longer term thinking about not to do it again which is the problem so you do need some help with that.

You mentioned some agrophobia. This may be interlinked. It doesn't need to be medical or AA, just finding something which works for you.

theemmadilemma · 31/03/2023 15:24

Op, I'm concerned about you attempting to medicate yourself out of this.

I'm also sorry your initial experience of additiction services was terrible. If you could push through that to try again, I found my local service wonderful. I wasn't keen on all of the nurses (probably who you spoke to) but the counsellors themselves were all ex addicts and it allowed me to open up in a way you simply can't to someone who has never been that side of addicition.

I urge you to please try again.

MinorMeltdown · 31/03/2023 15:29

Just to echo others, a bottle a night is a lot, but it's 3 large glasses - I honestly don't think you would get horrendous withdrawals if you just stopped.

Would you have the willpower to stop after less than a bottle? I would think tapering would be harder..

It's really hard to admit you've got a problem so please don't be hard on yourself; it's really easy to slip into drinking that much.

Good luck!

ShyMaryEllen · 01/04/2023 11:22

I was drinking about the same as you, but for a lot longer. I stopped when I was told I had damaged my liver. It's coming to 6 years now, but my liver is still scarred, and could go into failure at any time, which would be a sobering thought if I wasn't already sober.

You can do this*. Plan ahead a bit, and pick a date to stop - not too far ahead, but enough time to make a date of it, and to get your wagons in a circle. The following suggestions need a bit of money thrown at them, but you can pick and choose, and they all have high and lower-budget options.

Make your bedroom as inviting as you can - nice fresh sheets, tidy it up and air it (all things that are easy not to get round to when drinking every night). Get some scented oil (you could get some lovely ones from Noom or Aromatherapy Associates for the cost of the wine you no longer drink), and an electric hot stone or diffuser. Invest in a good speaker or a sleep headband, and maybe some nice new pyjamas that you save for D Day. Get some non-alcoholic wine (the fake prosecco isn't too bad). Download some hypnosis and sleep tracks. Craig Beck is good (Quit Drinking), as is Glenn Harrold (Relax and Sleep Well), but find a voice that you find soothing. Then create a routine. Do what you usually do in the evenings, switching your usual wine for the fake stuff (the ritual of opening the bottle and pouring it into a wine glass can stop you getting twitchy). Have a sensible bedtime, and scent the room whilst you have a relaxing bath. Then get into bed in your new (or clean) PJs, and do some deep breathing before listening to your hypnosis or sleep track. You'll eventually fall asleep with a headband on or the speaker playing, although it's probably less likely that you will at first. Getting to sleep can be tricky, but if you make just being in bed as pleasant as you can, it doesn't have to be horrible. I don't know if the hypnosis worked or not, but the familiarity of the voice, the smell of the oil, feeling warm and comfortable in a nice bedroom all helps to make going to bed sober a good experience, and the fake wine deals with the habit side of things.

Expect to have to grit your teeth for a week or two. You may find that you sweat a lot, and feel a bit fluey. Whatever you do, take Thiamine (B1), as it can prevent brain damage, and doesn't work retrospectively. Read up on this. Multivits will do no harm, but definitely take the B1. Eat what you like. You might fancy sweet things, which is fine - you can diet later. If you feel a bit rough you can eat rice pudding or ice cream, which are comforting and likely to stay down, and will replace the sugar you used to get from the wine.

*this all assumes that you aren't physically dependent. I wasn't, even after decades of going to bed slaughtered, but you never know, and it can be dangerous to just stop. You could taper down before the big day, or speak to your GP. Mine wasn't concerned about withdrawal though - he just said to stop, and ran the tests on my liver. I hated going, but he (and everyone else I've seen in the NHS) has been kind, and non-judgemental, at least on the surface. I do enough self-flagellation - I don't need any more, and neither do you, so ignore anyone who tries to make you feel bad.

I second the Bright Eye suggestion. They are a lovely bunch on there. The only thing is that they are (IMO) a bit too non-judgemental when people fall off the wagon, and it can almost feel as though you need to do so to be part of the gang. There is far more attention given to people who post that they gave in to temptation than to the ones who grit their teeth and get through it, but if you bear that in mind, you will get lots of support.

PM me if I can help at all. Good luck!

Motnight · 01/04/2023 11:31

I drank about a bottle and a half of wine a night for around 2 years. I just stopped drinking alcohol between Sunday and Thursday, and cut down a lot at the weekend. Went to bed early with a book for the first week to break the habit.

I was physically OK - had a few weeks of awful sleep but nothing else. It took a month for me to feel better from cutting down on alcohol.

Good luck Op.

Andante57 · 01/04/2023 13:22

How’s it going op?

thebestbirtheraccordingtoDD · 02/04/2023 22:11

Good luck. We're here for you

Thepeopleversuswork · 03/04/2023 06:42

I am not a medical professional or an addiction specialist and I agree that you need support but I would also be surprised if you went into physical withdrawal on that level of drinking.

I’ve drunk at near those levels at various points in my life (I am close to teetotal now) and have never been in physical withdrawal. As have lots of people I know. Clearly you are drinking at unhealthy levels (which you know) but I don’t think you’re at the point where you need a medically supervised withdrawal to prevent seizures.

I do agree with others, though, that while it’s very encouraging that you are admitting this to yourself, you will need support to get through this. Good luck.

KnitFastDieWarm1 · 03/04/2023 06:57

Hi Dandelions. First of all I just wanted to offer my support and best wishes.
I've been in the same hell in recent years. I totally understand the fear of stopping, alcohol is physically addictive, its the only drug that alters the way your brain and body works, other than opiates, so it is very painful and unpleasant to stop suddenly.
Its also very hard to cut down and wean yourself off, as its addictive and trying to control how much of an addictive substance you have, as an addict, is ridiculously hard! If it wasn't there would be no such thing as alcoholism.
I'd suggest getting the kids looked after for a few days, medical support, diazepam and having a close friend/family member with you, don't do it on your own. DTs are awful.
Best of luck, you will feel so much better very soon.

KnitFastDieWarm1 · 03/04/2023 07:06

I also wanted to say well done for speaking out. One of the things that kept me from asking for help for so long was the sense of shame and stigma. My biggest fear was being found out, but when I did admit to the problem and get help it was such a relief. As JKR says, rock bottom is a solid foundation to build your life on.
Be kind to yourself, buy yourself little treats everyday with the money you wouldve spent on wine, and sleep as much as you can.
Please keep us updated 🙏

shutthewindownow · 03/04/2023 07:30

I think you should very gradually cut down each night. You could add lemonade to each drink so you are weakening it until it's mostly lemonade and a little wine. Cut back that way and keep track of it

Theskyoutsideisblue · 03/04/2023 07:43

@Dandelions18 I will join you. Aim this week. Nothing until 6pm and less than a bottle