I am an alcoholic

[Dandelions18]

As the title says (posting here for traffic)

I drink a bottle to a bottle and a half of wine every night. Sometimes 2 at the weekend.

I want to stop but I'm scared of withdrawals and possibly having a seizure and dying.

I am a single parent to teenage children (one only 13) and after seeking help before I was put off because (quite reasonably) SS were contacted. They found everything fine as I'm functioning...but I'm not fine. My children see me with a glass in my hand every night but I don't want them to know I'm (even more) a failure as a parent if SS have to work with us so feel I can't go to the GP

I have a fantastic relationship with them but I know they (quite rightly) judge me for my drinking and I'm setting a disgusting example. I feel shit every morning because I don't sleep well. If I take a night off from drinking I cannot sleep at all.

Please help me stop drinking safely? I am a long term poster and have name changed because I am ashamed. I know posting on here will get me flamed and I know I deserve it. I know people will tell me just to go to GP and SS are there to help, I'm doing my children a disservice by not doing so. I know all this.

I have just started therapy for past trauma and I know that's why I abuse my body, but I haven't told my counsellor about my drinking.

I hate even the taste now, I hate myself and everything about his but I'm frightened to stop suddenly in case I die.

Please, is there anyway I can stop drinking safely without going to the GP?

It's not because I don't want to feel judged, it's because I don't want me causing more issues for them. They will feel embarrassed and not want that interference, they'll feel different from their peers if that makes sense. SS comes with bad connotations no matter how helpful and teen boys (at least mine anyway) don't want the humiliation

Who is telling the boys social circle about SS involvement? No one. It's all behind closed doors, they or you needn't tell anybody. This is an excuse, please recognise it as such.

I'm not actually a bad drunk and I also don't get snappy when I feel like shit -because of the guilt

Of course you're not a bad parent or person because of the drinking, but.. This is minimisation, please recognise it as such.

I'm not saying this to be nasty OP, I have just seen people talk themselves out of necessary treatment.

As illustrated in your OP, you know all the reasons and you know all the logic and truths people will tell you. That doesn't mean they aren't true, but you've taught yourself how to deflect these truths as a defence mechanism. You have a disease which tries to convince you otherwise though.

In the cold light of day, you know there is no excuse for letting your children go their whole childhoods with an alcoholic mother when there is help available for you.

It's not your behaviour drunk that's the issue. I had an ex who was/is an alcoholic and during the day before he'd had a drink he was cranky, irritable, he never slept well because alcohol makes your sleep quality shit. He didn't engage in family life or going to any events that meant he'd be away from a drink, he was snappy and short tempered because all he wanted was to slump on the sofa with a drink.

I'm so pleased to see you're seeking help and want to change. Make those calls today. Seek out the alcohol support services in your area NOW (you have Google) and talk to them while you're motivated. You can make a change.

Well I’m no doctor but I used to drink that much, then I stopped. Nothing happened, no withdrawals, no seizures. Nothing. Just stopped completely for a couple of months to break the habit, because it was habit rather than addiction. Now I drink one bottle of wine a week and not a single drop more.

Have you tried just stopping?

I know we are all different, but I used to drink the same as you and I just stopped, cold turkey. The worst I got was headaches: I just took paracetamol.

You just need to do it, otherwise you will never actually stop.

I don't miss it: at the beginning, I definitely felt the urge to have a drink, but instead substituted other things for it. I concentrated on how amazing I felt in the mornings compared to previously. I concentrated on being around as long as possible for my children.

I don't think you're at the 'raging alcoholic' stage – yet – but obviously, this is how it starts.

I think speak to SS and try again with them. If you get sober you will not have to worry about them ever again ❤️
My mum died from alcoholism at 50 and drank a couple bottles of wine a day, she was still a good mum and we were loved despite the demons. She would have been an incredible mum if she had just managed to get past her avoidance of AA and social services.
Please go back and go through the rough patch in order to come out sober ❤️ my mum has left behind 4 kids and 7 grand children who will never get to know how funny and smart she was

https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=07nOScAHnXI

I have an addition to food and I found this video really helpful. Have you seen this? He’s also written a book with the same title. Lovely and wise man.

Hey! So I’m really, really sorry to hear you’re struggling but it’s great that you admit you’re an alcoholic and you’re ready to do something about it.

In all honesty with the amount of drinking I don’t think your body would be physically dependent on alcohol and I don’t think you need to wean off, especially if you are not drinking until the evening and not having seizures during the day.

I am in recovery from addiction myself, I think you should try AA, there is no involvement from SS.

Message me if you would like any support, I’m a year sober now so I know what you’re going through. Good luck x

I think you could give up completely without bad side effects. But I agree with going to AA or else you are still going to come up with excuses as to why you can't give up.

‘Raging alcoholic’ is a stereotype and not helpful when diagnosing problems with addictions. Being an alcoholic is about 1. obsessing over drink lot your next drink or even being obsessed with not drinking & stopping and 2. Loosing control of the amount you drink regularly.

I drink every night but 1 large glass. I would easily drink more!

You need to change the rules and break the habits.

1. The easiest one is the time you start drinking. Make it later and later each night. e.g. no alcohol before 7pm, making it 15 minutes later each night until 9pm. My rule is 9pm.
2. Change your evening routine. Do activities that keep your hands and mind busy. Learn to play an instrument, join a gym, do crochet, help the kids with homework, book a badminton court with the kids etc... ANYTHING that breaks your normal routine.
3. Get rid of any large wine glasses! Small ones only and ONLY use the small ones.
4. Change what you drink. Make sure you have lots of really exciting non alcoholic drinks in the house, or only have beer and not wine in the house - those little stubby bottles from Lidl that are only 2%!

With small changes you will start to beat this.

This too.

It's the money that you could be using for the DC to do nice things with them.
It's the not being up for days out of events because you're hungover or anxious about going the whole day without drinking.
Or it's about curtailing fun days out because you have to plan around the fact that you need to stop at somewhere that specifically serves alcohol for lunch.
It's the shame you're causing them when they have friends round and realise that their mates' mums aren't drunk every evening.
It's the risk to your health which could cause them to lose their mum early.
It's the relationship modelling you're providing them and the predisposition you are giving them to seek co-dependent relationships in adulthood.
It's the lack of emotional availability at a crucial formative time in their life because you are constantly drunk or hungover.

Please don't think that just because you are a nice drunk that this has no impact on your kids. It really does and will do for their whole lives if you don't stop.

None of that is going to provide long term relief to an alcoholic.

OP you can't go cold turkey, with your level of drinking you are likely to be physically dependant and the withdrawals (seizures) can literally kill you (I know you're aware of this). Go to your GP. Please - I know it's scary but sometimes you have to face the fear head on. Ask about a medically managed detox. They will give you Librium which will counteract the physical effects of withdrawal, plus Thiamine which will restore your B vitamins and Acomprosate (sp?) which will help with the psychological need to have a drink. They can also arrange for you to have a liver function test and as part of the medically managed detox you will probably need to go in for regular breath and blood tests - this can be really helpful in making you more focused/structured rather than just trying to go it alone. Liver disease often doesn't show symptoms until the later stages so it's really important that you get checked out.

SMART recovery as mentioned by another poster is, in my experience, better than AA. They are far more understanding and realistic than AA, which pushes for absolute teetotalism with no slip ups which, though obviously ideal, can result in people falling spectacularly off the wagon.

I have personal experience with this, and within both my family and friendship group, which is why I'm a little bit evangelical with it! I am happy to chat via PM if it'd help?

What your sons may want isn't necessarily what is good for them. No they won't want the interference but it's not like SS will be picking them up from school in front of their mates - there is no reason why anyone outside of your family (and presumably school for safeguarding purposes) need to know.

And no, teenage boys won't 'like' talking about their trauma and fear and anger to a professional - nobody does. There's a reason they call it 'doing the work', it's not fun. But they need to talk to someone or they will internalise all that trauma and it will fuck them up.

They will feel different from their peers? You think they don't already? They are different, because they have an alcoholic as their sole parent. Pretending that's not the case won't make it so.

And they need someone to look out for them, because by definition, an alcoholic is not best placed to judge the damage they are doing or the risk they are posing to their children, especially one in as much denial as you, who is so convinced the worst thing you're doing is being seen to have a drink by your kids and are otherwise a good and loving mother. Addiction and drug use changes your behaviour, and your ability to judge your behaviour or its impact. Denial and addiction go hand in hand.

I mean just for a start, so you're having three bottles of wine every two days. even assuming you get very cheap stuff (say £5 a bottle) that's over £50 a week. Over £200 a month. You're a single mother; unless you have a VERY well paying job, that is a significant amount of budget you are taking from the family pot just to damage yourself. You don't have to be falling down drunk to be materially harming your kids.

Seriously, all your excuses for not taking appropriate action - my kids wouldn't like it, my behaviour isn't that bad, what if I have fits and die if I just stop drinking - they're just excuses so you can keep on doing what you're doing. Once you get your head up out of your addiction, which I sincerely hope you do, you'll see it as the utterly transparent strategy that it is.

Your kids need help and so do you.

I was drinking a similar amount and just stopped, i had a few sleepless nights and took to drinking tonic water, with a dash of various flavours of fruit juice.

Best thing i ever did.

I tried reducing, all i did was go back to drinking even more.

Keep sugary treats in the house when you stop. Your body will crave sugar and eating a sugary treat is a reasonably effective way of keeping a lid on the craving

SMART recovery as mentioned by another poster is, in my experience, better than AA. They are far more understanding and realistic than AA, which pushes for absolute teetotalism with no slip ups which, though obviously ideal, can result in people falling spectacularly off the wagon.

This is one opinion. In my experience, AA IS more realistic. The goal is complete abstinence from alcohol, which is very often the only way problematic drinkers are going to reset their relationship with alcohol. If you could just cut down or ‘have a few’ you would. There is no judgement for people who can’t achieve abstinence immediately or who relapse. AA doesn’t shoot it’s wounded.

The other benefit to AA is that it’s a huge network of support. 24 hour helplines, in person meetings everywhere, hundreds of virtual meetings 24 hours a day. It provides more than the ‘weekly recovery group’ model of other organisations.

Im not advertising AA btw . But I was an indoors, evening, heavy wine drinker for years and AA was the only thing that worked for me. I haven’t had a drink in three years and have no desire to. I personally didn’t need a medical detox - I just stopped. But do see your GP if you’re worried.

Prosecco is relatively lower in units per bottle I think, how about having a mini bottle or two or prosecco every night and having sparkling water with say elderflower cordial in the same glass before and in between.. And tapering from there to one bottle to none over a month or so. I often stop for a month or whatever and after a few days I don't need the placebo effect of a glass of sparkling water in my hand when I'm watching TV on an evening. Good luck.

I agree with all of this. SMART recovery was in no way a realistic prospect for me.

The insomnia is part of the withdrawal process , is that the only symptom you get when going cold turkey? Maybe getting some factual information about the withdrawals process might help you to stop freaking about going into the dts etc. My sibling is an alcoholic in recovery and they drank from morning until night and they used medications to withdraw several times and never once went into the dts. At the end they had to have medical detox but they were an incredibly incredibly heavy drinker .

Well done for admitting to being an alcoholic. That is the first hardest step. Please stop beating yourself up. It is an illness. You are ill. So treat yourself as such. By far and away the most successful programme for getting and staying sober is AA. It is only by really looking deep into yourself and the reasons behind your addiction that you will give yourself the best chance of beating it.

Will power alone is not enough.

If you can find a good counsellor who specialises in addiction as well as going to AA that would be amazingly helpful. I don't see why your dr would inform SS.
I am married to a recovering alcoholic. He has done both a medical detox and gone cold turkey after he relapsed. Cold turkey was really unpleasant but the worst bit only lasted 48 hours.
You can do this!

Hi OP, I've been in AA for many years and met hundreds of alcoholics. It's a small percentage of us who suffer seizures and DTs when we stop suddenly - I have friends who were drinking a litre of gin a day and were able to stop with no I'll effects (or no serious ones). I was one of those who did suffer hallucinations of the most frightening type, I genuinely didn't connect it to withdrawal and thought I was going mad, and seizures. So it's unrelated to the actual quantity (although I was drinking more than you are). I therefore totally understand your apprehension.

Two ways of doing this: controlled cutting down, generally by halving what you are drinking each day for a week so that you taper off. If you feel worried or anxious about this, make sure that you have a supply in reserve. This is incredibly difficult as obviously the whole point is that we don't have an off switch and it would be infinitely easier to stop completely. Other people assume that this is an excuse - it most certainly isn't. Secondly, your GP might prescribe diazepam which should prevent seizures and which I have used in the distant past, successfully. You need to replace the alcohol with sugar - have a bag of sweets with you at all times and drink a lot of water. Get strong vitamin B and thiamin also from your GP.

AA will guide you through the steps but even AA-ers don't always appreciate the danger of stopping cold turkey. Wishing you masses of joy in your sober life.

OP I have not read the whole thread but your OP resonates with me. Having tried various things I eventually found I totally broke free using online Annie Grace coaching. It does cost but it approaches it from a slightly different perspective compared with the 12 steps and for me that different approach worked in the end. It kind of respects your decision that alcohol is not serving you in any way (and for me, that, accompanied with the idea deep in myself that i could do much better and i had lots to live for) helped me give up. I would not say I am "cured", every single day I do say to myself "please make me find the very idea of any kind of alcohol absolutely repulsive" and that mantra does help me, although at the same time the fact I have to say it to myself reminds me there is no real "cure" you just have to accept you have a real weakness in alcohol but that from your heart rather than your head you decide not to subject your body to it any more because you literally get nothing from it.

Look up Annie Grace. (I am not in any way associated with Annie Grace by the way nor do I have any vested interest in her/that methodology other than that it worked for me). xx

Lots of excellent (free and non-judgemental) advice on this forum…

https://www.brighteyecounselling.co.uk/alcoholic-forum/search.php?search_id=active_topics&sid=36f9f3f9632f1a5d9b71012ad58f0987