I am an alcoholic

[Dandelions18]

As the title says (posting here for traffic)

I drink a bottle to a bottle and a half of wine every night. Sometimes 2 at the weekend.

I want to stop but I'm scared of withdrawals and possibly having a seizure and dying.

I am a single parent to teenage children (one only 13) and after seeking help before I was put off because (quite reasonably) SS were contacted. They found everything fine as I'm functioning...but I'm not fine. My children see me with a glass in my hand every night but I don't want them to know I'm (even more) a failure as a parent if SS have to work with us so feel I can't go to the GP

I have a fantastic relationship with them but I know they (quite rightly) judge me for my drinking and I'm setting a disgusting example. I feel shit every morning because I don't sleep well. If I take a night off from drinking I cannot sleep at all.

Please help me stop drinking safely? I am a long term poster and have name changed because I am ashamed. I know posting on here will get me flamed and I know I deserve it. I know people will tell me just to go to GP and SS are there to help, I'm doing my children a disservice by not doing so. I know all this.

I have just started therapy for past trauma and I know that's why I abuse my body, but I haven't told my counsellor about my drinking.

I hate even the taste now, I hate myself and everything about his but I'm frightened to stop suddenly in case I die.

Please, is there anyway I can stop drinking safely without going to the GP?

I can give up tomorrow but fear of dying from a seizure stop me’ excuses

I've already stated my alcoholic 34 year old family member died a week after having a seizure. I may have made excuses but being scared of dying by going cold turkey isn't one of them. But thanks, your input was very helpful.

Non alcoholics being nasty to me won't help either.

Would you mind if I PM'd you please?

Well done for admitting it. Hope you manage to succeed OP.

I would’ve thought you would need to see a G.P to do this safely.

It may be possible to cut down slowly? Might be difficult to manage without assistance from
AA or some support.

No problem.

Can I just say OP, as someone who lost my dad drink when I was in my 20’s, I think you’re AMAZING.

I wish my dad had had this level of self reflection when I was a teen. He may still be with us if he did.

The first step to recognising the problem is the hardest, but it’s the most important. Now begins the hard work - it won’t be easy but it will be worth it. I think your strength is admirable and I wish you all the luck in the world.

Oh bless you, OP.

I have been where you are and after a suicide attempt mostly down to my alcoholism I had no choice but to accept the help.

I was referred to both SS and a local Addiction service. They saved my life.

I relapsed 6 weeks in and seriously injured myself, their support got me through. They never told the children why they were supporting us but were absolutely amazing.

Also, maybe seek anonymous advice regarding withdrawals.

Best wishes x

Thank you for sharing this and I'm so sorry.

Well done for taking this big step forward. Best wishes.

Can you try diluting it with lemonade so you gradually cut down then make it weaker every day until you're only drinking lemonade.
I can't imagine how hard this must be but good luck x

OP - you can do it! You have acknowledged it's a problem and a will to stop and that's a massive step in the right direction! Well done!
As others have said tapering/cutting down gradually is safest..... u just have to be strict! Deffo pour away what u don't need when u have had your quota for the day then buy again the next day for your next reducing dose.
There are sobriety groups of fb.... eg. The Sober Cafe, Sober Sisters, Club Soda Together - you can post anonymously and nothing shows on your fb feed as they are closed groups. Download the app I am Sober to track your days for encouragement and accountability, there is also a good community in there.
Read 'Quit Lit' (or listen on audible) such as 'my glorious rock bottom' by Bryony Gordon, The Unexpected Joy of Being Sober by Catherine Gray, Recovery by Russell Brand, We are the Luckiest by Laura McKowen......
Adult colouring books are a great way of keeping busy and actually really therapeutic.
Address your mental health...... most addictions route back to mental health, you may have trauma u didnt realise, or maybe you are too good at 'keeping calm and carrying on' or 'being strong' - it's stronger to admit you are struggling and deal with it with help......
The initial weeks are hardest...... but even after a week sober a cloud lifts, anxiety and depression lifts, coping mechanisms increase......
Feel free to PM me if u like.
You can do this lovely 😘😘😘

I am so pleased it worked out for you!

I think I was just unlucky who was assigned to me previously, but now I have a complete fear of putting myself in that position again. I felt great not drinking then I was made to feel like a criminal with no support. I can't risk that again. I just want to completely stop an I know I an as long as I know I can do it safely. I don't care about lack of sleep because I know it will be short term, I'm just scared about having a seizure because I've drank practically every night or over a year.

I get diazepam for anxiety so I have been saving them up (barring a few I have needed to leave the house as I struggle with that) but from googling I don't have enough yet. They are only 2mg and I only get 14 every 2 months to help with going outside.

I have wanted to do this for months. I'm just scared of what will happen after what happened to my family member. I'm a month off being able to possibly get more 2mg but I want to stop now. I hate this. I can't drink at all, I need to stop now. I have pains in my abdomen and I know it's because I abuse alcohol. I'm scared it's too late but I read that the liver heals quickly so I'm hoping I haven't permanently scarred my liver.

Thank you!!

Yes I am in counselling for past trauma, I already knew that was the cause so I don't understand why I am still doing this.

I was abused and now I'm abusing myself. Logically I know the perpetrators are winning yet here I am not only hurting myself but my children!

I don't have any other close family so can't even leave the children with relatives for a week to go to rehab.

I can do this though. Thank you thank you everyone (except the person who mocked those telling me I could do it - I hope no one close to you ever experiences this, and if they do I hope you're a bit kinder), you have helped so much x

I won't lie, my second withdrawal was horrendous. I thought I would die but I had (or my parents did) CGL on the phone whenever and I survived.

You can do this x

I should say, you can do this but maybe with support x

Bless you OP.....
There is such an awful stigma around problem drinking...... but really for most it's simply a form of a coping mechanism that eventually works against us and we get lost. I hate the term 'alcoholic' but many (myself included) are successful, kind, caring, empathetic individuals..... we are just trying desperately to make everything and everyone around us alright..... and we forget the most important person in it all.... ourselves!
Sending so much love to you xxxxx

OP what point does your drinking stop in a night? Do you drink till you feel really sleepy or till a certain time or till you pass out or something else? No need to answer here I'm just thinking depending on how you stop each night a PP suggested low alcohol wine and if you don't need to pass out from it that could reduce your alcohol units without needing you to reduce the number of glasses, it might get you to a level where you can just cut out drinking.

My mum was an alcoholic and a single mum. She's now been sober over a decade. I don't know what helped her to get sober, we've never spoken of it, and I have no intention of bringing it up. It would hurt her and it wouldn't fix anything for me. I do know she thinks it didn't really effect us, she doesn't remember all the things she told me when drunk that I was much too young to hear. She wasn't mean or loud or scary, she was sad. I mean sad as in the emotions she felt, she had a very traumatic childhood. She doesn't remember telling me all about it. She doesn't know that I spent my teen years trying to fix things for her, trying to reduce her stress so she'd be ok, taking on too much with my siblings. My brother abuses alcohol and drugs, my sister had a mental breakdown and disappeared. It didn't effect my relationship with alcohol, I can take it or leave it, but it did effect my life a lot.

I ended up married to an abusive man and fell into that pattern trying to fix things and feeling always wrong and at fault. It took me a long time to realise where that came from, why I felt everything was my fault even his horrible scary behaviour. It is hard to rid ourselves of negative patterns caused by the parents that raise us. I am finally leaving, but it's for my kids sake. Stbxh reinforced all the patterns from my childhood and I feel worthless, which despite counselling and medication I can't rid myself of that. It's not just about their relationship with alcohol, what they see in you effects who they are as people. How they respond to your drinking effects who they are as people.

You said you don't even like the taste anymore?

Can you switch to spirits, eg gin. And get a non alcoholic version too

Then week 1, substitute one drink for the non alcoholic version, etc

I am just thinking a glass of gin and tonic is the equivalent size of a glass of wine, but with fewer units in it. So it takes you longer to drink the same amount of units.
And you can substitute more easily

But you still have that glass of drink in your hand

The very fact your admitted your problem to yourself and a bunch of random
people on the internet is a brilliant sign of wanting to change . You should be proud of yourself for this first step.

Without wanting to scare you, but to be brutally honest the whole ‘ functioning ‘ thing only lasts so long and before you know it your not functioning at all but car crashing your way through life.

please stop. And stop now.

my mother was a very much glamorous functioning alcoholic when I was 12. She drank daily, in coffee cups in the end and woke in the night to drink. Her choice was wine/ cider … I think had it been spirits the eventual Cirohossis of her liver that went into liver cancer that then spread and killed her would have happened a lot sooner .

she was 53 when she died. She died alone in a hospice .

the drinking and the destruction just about destroyed each one of her six children. Nobody was there at the end.

The most haunting memory I have of that time is visiting her and when offered a drink by the hospice nurse she was trying to get alcohol. She died 4 days after that visit .

It's really unfortunate that was your experience of seeking help. I understand why you wouldn't want to try that again. It takes a lot to get yourself to the point of seeking help and then to be made to feel worse can really knock you down. Maybe though keep that in the back of your mind as something you could possibly try again at some stage, instead of telling yourself it's not an option. You may need that help and there's no shame in seeking it.

OP I just wanted to let you know how wonderful I think you are for acknowledging and accepting, and wanting to make change to put yourself and your children over your addiction. Well done!

Please consider just going to the GP and getting help and support from those around you, you will most likely succeed with your recovery by doing so. Social support parents who actively engage with bettering their situations so even if they do get involved they will see you taking the steps necessary to create a healthier home environment. You have so much to gain going forwards you really do. Keep going.

Its going to be hard but you CAN do it, with help:

1. Go to AA
2. Join sober communities online and on social media
3. Read books about going sober like ‘the unexpected joy of being sober’
4. Listen to sober podcasts
5. hopefully you have a trusted friend or family member you can confide in to support you?
6. Look up sober meet ups in your local area. Perhaps on MeetUp or there are suggestions in the ‘Sober Girl Society’
7. Drink alcohol free wine
8. Try CBD drinks like ‘trip’
9. Can you pay for online therapy like BetterHelp?
10. Can you afford a private GP appt? Would they still tell social services as your children are older now.

Really wish you all the best. You’ve got to do it and you can.

I hadn't realised you were the PP that said OP wants the drama and attention of people telling her she’s great and poor her and she can do this.

The fact you've been through it yourself and can still be so nasty is mind boggling. I'll save myself more upset by communicating with you further.

Thank you again to everyone who has been so kind. I honestly expected lots of hate and you have given me so much hope and advice.

I can do this and I will.

A couple of you said it would be ok to PM and I am going to do that tomorrow if still OK. I've been so worked up and anxious about trying to deal with this I'm emotionally drained so going to watch a comedy and hopefully get to sleep.

Thank you so much again x

Hope you sleep well OP. You’re right. You can do this!!

Thank you so much. Goodnight x