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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Ponderoveryonder · 30/03/2023 10:04

I’m not surprised your daughter isn’t keen on him. Are you sure she has NO reason?

Paq · 30/03/2023 10:05

YANBU. But I do think you are BU for him to be staying so often when your daughter doesn't like it. It's her home too and she doesn't have to have "reasons".

FrankColumbo · 30/03/2023 10:06

When you say you don't live together, you actually do, don't you?
He's a cheeky fucker, having moved in by stealth and now threatening you to get you to have his daughter also living with you 50% of the time - when you've already said that you don't want this to happen

VanillaImpulse · 30/03/2023 10:07

Your house, your rules! Get rid if I were you. You will end up doing the childcare when that period of your life is done

RenegadeMistress · 30/03/2023 10:08

hahahaha he's having a laugh isn't he!! By "accept" his daughter he means house and feed her at your expense, doesn't he? Then it'll be pushing to parent her. What exactly are his outgoings if he doesn't have a house and isn't paying CM because he has her 50/50?

He's a taker.

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

FrankColumbo · 30/03/2023 10:09

If my child said they didn't like my boyfriend, I would take them seriously. There could be any number of pretty serious reasons that's she's not able to express to you. I'm sure you can use your imagination.
Do you actually feel comfortable with this pushy guy calling the shots about who you have in YOUR home?! I wouldn't, it would creep me out big time

TrombonesAreNotBones · 30/03/2023 10:09

He doesn't understand that you need time with your daughter just the two of you.
He also doesn't understand that his daughter needs time with him, just the two of them.
He cba to do 1 2 1 hence wanting to slope around to ours where you'll have ideas for activities and fun times.

He's not good enough for you, throw him back in the sea.

AndiOliversFan · 30/03/2023 10:09

Yeah I think you’re being really unfair to your 13 year old having him almost permanently at yours. And then having a 5 year old there too? Your poor DD.

Anyway he sounds like an arse with his ultimatum. When does he see his other child? I’d dump him.

AitchPeeVee · 30/03/2023 10:10

Obviously this relationship is a dead end.

AndiOliversFan · 30/03/2023 10:10

2 kids by 2 different women and lives with his Dad. What a catch…

Raindrops2015 · 30/03/2023 10:10

Where does he shower? Why is he there all the time if it's only been a year? Food has to be stored in fridges and cooked and I'm sure he's not sitting there with no heating on so why does he only pay towards food? Is he tight with money in other ways? I can see why your 13yo isn't keen.

Aftjbtibg · 30/03/2023 10:10

I wouldn’t accept an ultimatum about anything so that would be an out for me; relationships are about understanding each other and compromise which you’re trying to do but he isn’t.
Also why doesn’t he want time with just his daughter? I’m wondering if it’s because he wants to share the responsibility and not have to parent by himself. I also would agree that the whole arrangement sounds more to meet his needs than his DDs which is a big red flag. I’d take this as a way out.

BodenCardiganNot · 30/03/2023 10:10

I feel so sorry for your daughter having this man foisted on her like this.

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/03/2023 10:11

You can't really say you are not living together if he stays every night he doesn't have his child. You need to have him stay one or two nights a week at most. Or accept he is living with you and part of that is having his dc to stay.

MaryDerry · 30/03/2023 10:11

This is unsettling to me.
You aren't living together.
You've been together nearly a year.
I think he's a cock lodger to away from his dad's house.
He wants his young daughter to be living at your house when he has her.
No. I think he should be building up a relationship with her. He's dumping his responsibilities. It's not fair on her or your daughter. Be great to meet up for tea etc but this is full on.

Does the mother know of this arrangement? Because if I was the mother I'd want to know more about this to ensure my child is safe.

MoongazyHare · 30/03/2023 10:12

What he means is that he wants you to take over the parenting role whenever he has had enough of it. If he had any guts he’d admit he doesn’t actually want this responsibility half the time, and move from the 50/0 split for his child’s sake, but that would involve paying maintenance, so he is clearly resisting.

What a prince.

Chamomileteaplease · 30/03/2023 10:13

OMG he sounds really horrible!

He is staying at your house seven nights a week???? ie all the time??

Your poor daughter. I think you have massive blinkers on.

For your own sake, have some peace and do not have his five year old over. But for both your sakes, please end this horrible relationship with this bullying cocklodger.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:13

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight)

WTAF OP. Your 13 year old daughter doesn’t like him and you subject her to your boyfriend every single night.

Your poor girl

Sqqueeeeeeee · 30/03/2023 10:13

So, you don’t want a 5yo in your personal space two nights a week but you think you’re 13yo is out of order for not wanting a grown man in her personal space every single bloody day?! YABU. End the relationship and prioritise your DD.

Ktime · 30/03/2023 10:14

You don't live together. He is being unreasonable and controlling expecting you to feed and host both him and his daughter so much.

Who does the cooking?

ItsBeginningToScabOverNow · 30/03/2023 10:14

Why do you have a near-stranger sleeping in your 13 year old daughter’s home?

Thats insane.

Tealsofa · 30/03/2023 10:14

How many dc does he have? And where is the other one if 2?

determinedtomakethiswork · 30/03/2023 10:14

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

Exactly this. Your poor daughter. It's her home and this fucking bloke is staying there seven nights a week and now wants to bring his daughter to partially live with you as well. She doesn't like him and you are not giving her any thought here. You do realise that as soon as she can she will leave home?

Sqqueeeeeeee · 30/03/2023 10:14

Sqqueeeeeeee · 30/03/2023 10:13

So, you don’t want a 5yo in your personal space two nights a week but you think you’re 13yo is out of order for not wanting a grown man in her personal space every single bloody day?! YABU. End the relationship and prioritise your DD.

*your! FFS we need an edit button!

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