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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:

dontwaitforever · 30/03/2023 10:22

OP....fedupofdiets has said all that needs to be said, in three words:

Fuck. That. Shit.

Allmyplantsdie · 30/03/2023 10:22

Does he pay you rent? Because he stays at yours almost 7nights a week and now wants a free pass to have his daughter stay round whenever he wants too!! I bet if you asked his dad he would say that he lives with you.
he’s a cheeky f&cker, and is taking the absolute piss.
I bet your daughter just doesn’t like seeing her mum being taken advantage of.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:22

AitchPeeVee · 30/03/2023 10:21

She’s only been seeing this guy for less than a year, so wouldn’t be the same guy who she was pregnant by back in December 2021. OP moves fast though it would seem.

Show quote history

And she has another thread about her poor daughter in terrible trouble at school, lashing out, on report

What an utter shit show

1FootInTheRave · 30/03/2023 10:23

He's a cheeky, scruffy rat. And a shit parent.

Put your daughter first fgs.

viques · 30/03/2023 10:23

I would have thought the uncaring way he drags his daughter from pillar to post would send up enough red flags to cover a circus tent.

he doesn’t care about his daughters needs for a stable , secure environment.

then consider:

he doesn’t care about your daughters needs not to feel uncomfortable and pushed out of her home.

he doesn’t care about your needs to have time with your daughter and the ultimate say in who stays in your home.

Which sort of leads me to the question whose needs does he care about?

(And whose needs do you care about, and who should you be caring about and prioritise?)

TomatoSandwiches · 30/03/2023 10:24

You are a mess, dump the cocklodger and sort yourself out before you completely and irrevocably destroy your relationship with your DD.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/03/2023 10:24

I'm all for giving benefit of the doubt but it is clear as day here that the reason he wants 50/50 is so he doesn't have to pay maintenance, and the reason he wants his dd at yours is because he CBA to parent her alone/himself.

Rowthe · 30/03/2023 10:24

He sounds like a cocklodger in the making.

Get clear boundaries.

It seems he wants you to be a mother figure for his child for whatever reason.

Zwicky · 30/03/2023 10:24

It’s absolutely shit for his 5yo being dragged between 3 homes and being turfed out of bed at 6am before a full day of school. She’s not your responsibility though, and if he’s a shit dad then that’s on him. Much worse for your own 13 yo who is your responsibility who has an adult man who she hardly knows and doesn’t like in her home virtually every day and sometimes a 5yo too.

Kazplus2 · 30/03/2023 10:25

I'm not surprised your daughter doesn't like him and that's I'm you for allowing him to be there 7 days a week when she is used to it being just you and him. You would be better agreeing that he stay at yours on set days, e.g. Wed to Sun and on those days he can have his children there but on the other days that is time for you to spend time with your daughter without him or his children. You may even find your daughter likes him better when she gets a break from him.

NewtoHolland · 30/03/2023 10:25

Prioritise your daughter.

GCAcademic · 30/03/2023 10:27

Your poor daughter. Clearly lower down in the pecking order than her mother’s desire for a shag with some loser.

NeedToChangeName · 30/03/2023 10:28

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be

You lost my sympathy at this point, TBH

RudsyFarmer · 30/03/2023 10:28

I see these posts and can’t believe they are real. You wonder why your 13 year old doesn’t like this selfish man child? I’d say she has VERY good judge of character. Learn from her.

Take his ultimatum and run away very, very fast. In fact even if you try and get away from him by taking him up on his ultimatum I will bet you he will pester and pester you until you relent and carry on. Why? Because pretending to live with you is MASSIVELY convenient.

fdgdfgdfgdfg · 30/03/2023 10:29

So this man that you've been seeing for less than a year is spending every night at your place. Seems like a hell of a reason for your daughter not to like him.

You say this :

"It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home."

Shame your daughter doesn't get to be shown the same consideration really

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2023 10:29

This is fucking awful op. AWFUL!!

Your daughter doesn't like him. Why the absolute fuck do you have him over all the time then? That is shocking parenting. Prioritise your daughter. Obviously.

He is clear as day using you. I have no idea how you can't see that. He is fucking obviously 50:50 so that no maintenance is due. He is fucking obviously planning on using you as childcare to accommodate this. He is a complete loser.

Dump him today. And think more before you start your next relationship.

Snorlaxing · 30/03/2023 10:29

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:22

And she has another thread about her poor daughter in terrible trouble at school, lashing out, on report

What an utter shit show

Show quote history

There's also one where her mum likes to stay with her for a few days by announcing her arrival rather than asking and the bf not being ready to meet her mum yet.

Purplecatshopaholic · 30/03/2023 10:30

RenegadeMistress · 30/03/2023 10:08

hahahaha he's having a laugh isn't he!! By "accept" his daughter he means house and feed her at your expense, doesn't he? Then it'll be pushing to parent her. What exactly are his outgoings if he doesn't have a house and isn't paying CM because he has her 50/50?

He's a taker.

Exactly this. He’s a CF and a Taker. If you agree to this, he will take more and more until you are basically parenting his child! I’d get rid now. Your DD doesn’t like him as she has the measure of him.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 30/03/2023 10:32

This screams his df isn't happy with the current arrangements that figure his house being used to accommodate the dc. And so he is manipulating you to have your house used instead...ltb op. Tonight.

AffIt · 30/03/2023 10:32

I'm not going to note all my thoughts here because they would probably get me banned, but I think you need to do some URGENT work on your boundaries and start prioritising your daughter's needs pretty damn quickly.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 30/03/2023 10:32

VanillaImpulse · 30/03/2023 10:07

Your house, your rules! Get rid if I were you. You will end up doing the childcare when that period of your life is done

Exactly my thoughts...

Also agrre with the 'moved in by stealth'.... Just cos he showers elsewhere... Is he really living elsewhere...

Have cone acorss many such men squatting ib their girlfriends' houses...

DoubleChocolateBrownies · 30/03/2023 10:32

Why are you imposing such a loser on your DD, especially a man she seems to get bad vibes from?

Sorry to say this but based on your threads your home life sounds chaotic and it’s no good for your DD. Reminds me a lot of my own childhood. This will affect your relationship with her forever and likely her mental health too.

UndertheCedartree · 30/03/2023 10:33

I don't understand why if you're no way near ready for living together that he practically lives with you? Especially as your DD isn't keen. It's her personal space too and you have moved someone in she doesn't like while pretending he doesn't actually live there. I think you really need to slow down with this relationship and put your DD first. Maybe have your boyfriend and his DD over one day/night per week and see how things go. If your boyfriend lives with his dad then he will have to have his DD there most of the time or get his own place. It all sounds way to intense for one year in when you both have your own children. It was unclear but does he have a second child too?

TheYearOfSmallThings · 30/03/2023 10:34

He is planning to move out of his father's house and into your house, with his daughter. He is pretty sure you will tolerate this if he pushes a bit, and if you won't tolerate it he will move on and find another woman to house him. He certainly has no intention to find and pay for his own house...I mean why would a catch like him need to do that? Plenty of single women with houses out there.

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:34

Do people like OP honestly not realise how unbelievably uncomfortable it would be for a 13 year old to have an adult male they barely know, let alone one they don't like, in their home overnight every day? In their safe space? Being at school every day knowing you're going home to someone you don't like who is being prioritised over you?

Or do they just not give a shit?

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