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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
sexandthepity · 31/03/2023 09:26

If you don't live together and it's your house then he should have his daughter at his house (his dads).

Tell him it's your house so your decision!

However, you seem to be overlooking the fact that your daughter doesn't like him!

monsteramunch · 31/03/2023 09:28

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2023 07:24

all those that are giving out to the op cos her daughter doesn’t like him….

in this instance I think the man is not good for op but surely there are some times when children / young people do not like ANY partner no matter how nice they are just because they would rather it still be just them and their mum especially if it’s been that way for a long time

and then what is the mum supposed to do? Just remain single forever ?

Moving a man into your child's home when you've been with them less than a year is never the right thing to do.

That's what she's done.

WisherWood · 31/03/2023 09:30

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2023 07:24

all those that are giving out to the op cos her daughter doesn’t like him….

in this instance I think the man is not good for op but surely there are some times when children / young people do not like ANY partner no matter how nice they are just because they would rather it still be just them and their mum especially if it’s been that way for a long time

and then what is the mum supposed to do? Just remain single forever ?

As I mentioned upthread, I think it's good to work out if it's the partner they don't like, or the relationship. My DP's child liked me, she was jealous of the relationship, so we could work with that. She's a lot more secure now and likes having me around. She appreciates that her dad is happier now he's with me.

Then, if it's the partner they don't like as well as the relationship, I think have a long, hard look at why. If the OP did that, she'd gain some insight into what her partner is truly like. Her DD currently has better instincts than her. We're socialised to dampen down those instincts as we age, which is wrong. We should be fine tuning them.

As for remaining single, personally I think you can be in a relationship but you do have to think about what's best for the children. So if they don't like your partner, then you should, I think, stick to something more casual. See them on your own. Don't move them in. If they're the right person for you, they'll appreciate that. If they want more than you can give at that point, they'll probably move on.

leilani83 · 31/03/2023 09:41

Not read the whole thread but your 13 yo daughter doesn't like him. He has given you an ultimatum. Major alarm bells.

I'm all for parents being allowed to have a life too but your daughter should be the priority here.

Villssev · 31/03/2023 09:53

Nothing wrong with a single mum having a relationship

But why why why in so many instances does the mother love the boyfriend in to her children’s homes. If the child doesn’t like a man, even if it is simply because they would dislike any love interest in their mother’s life, that is sufficient reason not to move the man in.

Sure, carrying on seeing him, shagging him, having dates.

Just refrain from invading your children’s home with him.

That is how I approach it as a single mum anyway

Villssev · 31/03/2023 09:56

@LuckySantangelo35

and then what is the mum supposed to do? Just remain single forever ?

Nope. Just hold off moving him in to your children’s home so they have to share a lounge, kitchen table, bathroom, with a man that they have no direct connection to whatsoever

TheInterceptor · 31/03/2023 10:16

My Mum put a selfish man's needs before mine as a teenager. We're no contact now. Just a consideration.

BluetheBear · 31/03/2023 10:27

YANBU OP

LTB

BluetheBear · 31/03/2023 10:32

Also you can fully accept he has children without putting them above yourself and your own family.

Id he saying well "this is how it is - you know where the door is"

704703hey · 31/03/2023 10:50

He can't commandeer your house, put your foot down. I'm surprised you let him stay there nearly every night after just a year.

Pixiedust1234 · 31/03/2023 11:13

Dear OP,

Please confirm you have kicked the abusive cocklodger out.

Mumsnet x

BadForBusiness · 31/03/2023 11:20

I have two entirely positive comments for the OP.

  1. Her instincts about the current co-parenting arrangements for the 5 year old being not in the child's best interest are spot on. This man is blatantly prioritising saving money over what's best for his child.
  2. By giving her a flat ultimatum like this he's given her the easiest possible escape route from a bad news relationship. She doesn't have to "kick him out" or take a stand. She just has to say "I'm sorry to hear that. I've put your toothbrush and phone charger in a bag, when do you want to collect it.?" This is a fantastic opportunity just waiting to be taken.
Bloopsie · 31/03/2023 11:33

Villssev · 31/03/2023 09:56

@LuckySantangelo35

and then what is the mum supposed to do? Just remain single forever ?

Nope. Just hold off moving him in to your children’s home so they have to share a lounge, kitchen table, bathroom, with a man that they have no direct connection to whatsoever

Urgh imagine being a teenage girl and having some random man in the house when you go to bathroom/come out of shower/want to laze about in home clothes etc. Not saying but maybe he aha given her a look that has made her uncomfortable,maybe more than one or said something. I dont get why some mothers take on a looser and prioritise him over their child(ren). Someone I know has recently done the same thing taken back a guy who has used her in every way possible and has been rude to her daughter..whats wrong with these women.

serialthreadkiller · 31/03/2023 11:36

Really hoping that the unaccounted for second child of the cocklodger isn't because the Op continued with the pregnancy mentioned in the other thread... 🫣

MavisMcMinty · 31/03/2023 11:53

Bloopsie · 31/03/2023 11:33

Urgh imagine being a teenage girl and having some random man in the house when you go to bathroom/come out of shower/want to laze about in home clothes etc. Not saying but maybe he aha given her a look that has made her uncomfortable,maybe more than one or said something. I dont get why some mothers take on a looser and prioritise him over their child(ren). Someone I know has recently done the same thing taken back a guy who has used her in every way possible and has been rude to her daughter..whats wrong with these women.

Show quote history

Good point - when I was 12/13 I suddenly got terribly self-conscious about my body and its changes, even with my own lovely Dad.

Thesharkradar · 31/03/2023 12:21

serialthreadkiller · 31/03/2023 11:36

Really hoping that the unaccounted for second child of the cocklodger isn't because the Op continued with the pregnancy mentioned in the other thread... 🫣

That would explain why @MNF2021 is so defensive☝🏻👀

704703hey · 31/03/2023 12:24

MavisMcMinty · 31/03/2023 11:53

Good point - when I was 12/13 I suddenly got terribly self-conscious about my body and its changes, even with my own lovely Dad.

Show quote history

Oh I had that as well, I had the loveliest father ever but he put his arm around my shoulder walking down the High Street at that age and I felt 'get off, get away'.

Villssev · 31/03/2023 12:29

But SO many do it.

move in men to their children’s home

last night my daughter was sprawled on the sofa in her knickers and a crop top watching TV. Had a man been here not her father or brother… probably in her room.

BethDuttonsTwin · 31/03/2023 17:25

and then what is the mum supposed to do? Just remain single forever ?

Until her children are living their own lives, yes, off to uni or have a job and relationship of their own etc. I’m aware that won’t be well received but it’s what I think and it’s what I did.

OoooohMatron · 31/03/2023 17:56

He sounds like a loser and you put some bloke first above your daughter. I feel sorry for all the children involved.

Kennykenkencat · 31/03/2023 18:02

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2023 07:24

all those that are giving out to the op cos her daughter doesn’t like him….

in this instance I think the man is not good for op but surely there are some times when children / young people do not like ANY partner no matter how nice they are just because they would rather it still be just them and their mum especially if it’s been that way for a long time

and then what is the mum supposed to do? Just remain single forever ?

Either get a partner they do like. Introducing them slowly or wait till they have their own lives/go to Uni/move out

or just see their bf when their children aren’t around.

Kennykenkencat · 31/03/2023 18:19
Floofydawg · 31/03/2023 19:24

BethDuttonsTwin · 31/03/2023 17:25

and then what is the mum supposed to do? Just remain single forever ?

Until her children are living their own lives, yes, off to uni or have a job and relationship of their own etc. I’m aware that won’t be well received but it’s what I think and it’s what I did.

OR just an alternative point of view. Some women wait years to move their partner in until they're sure their child(ren) like them and it's not going to be a disaster. They also make sure they're not going to be a cocklodger and expect them to parent their kids.

Speaking as someone with a child who considers her stepdad more of a dad than her own waste of space dad.

Not that I think the op is in this situation. I'm just saying that it's not always a disaster.

RedToothBrush · 31/03/2023 21:23

LuckySantangelo35 · 31/03/2023 08:31

@ZeldaWillTellYourFortune

your child can still be your priority and you can have a relationship if you want one

Show quote history

Having a relationship doesn't need to equal moving the bf in 7 days a week in less than a year and him demanding that his daughter also move in rent free...

Matchymatchylemonscratchy · 14/04/2023 04:13

Your daughter is clearly a better judge of character than you are.

I would have laughed in his face at that ultimatum. Get rid of him immediately.

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