AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

[MNF2021]

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

• Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
• On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

He's a cheeky bugger, giving you an ultimatum. He only pays half food bill, but wants to dictate terms regarding his daughter. He's simply a guest in your house and is acting as if you are living together. You're not. He is your bf who stays over. Listen to your daughter. Devote your time & money to her for the next 5 years, and let bf sort himself and daughter out.

It is so weird that he is using you and you cannot see it. He only sees you as someone to have sex with, get free lodging, almost free food and eventually he will expect you to parent his daughter. How can you not see that? Your daughter is smart... She obviously sees the signs that something is wrong with him. Wake up and stop letting this man use you. You are not setting a good example for your daughter. He is not a catch and you don't want someone so irresponsible around your daughter.

Your daughter has reasons to not like him, I'm guessing she doesn't feel comfortable telling them to you, though, since he's over all the time. Which, that in and of itself is bizarre.

Always ditch ANY person who gives you an ultimatum around stuff like this. It's emotional manipulation.

Ugh. Don't let him move in! You've no obligation to have her at all you are not living
together and she's not your kid. What is his Dads house like. Does he want to have his DD at yours because yours is cleaner? Looks o me like he's scrounging free labour and effectively accommodation too. Cut back his his visits. This must be horrid for your DD.

Another thread OP leaves....

Unfortunately it would seem - by this thread and previous one's - that OP is unable to cope without having a man in her life.

Hopefully she will realise that he is a cocklodger

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. 🤔

You judge your boyfriend for making parenting decisions that aren’t in his child’s best interests but you’re not exactly making choices that are in your own child’s best interests- having a boyfriend that she doesn’t like staying over 7 nights a week. That’s really sad.

I imagine “fully accept my daughter” = take on some of the parenting responsibilities for her so that he doesn’t have to.

YANBU, I didn't like my mom's BF now SD didn't mean anything. I do think you should ask why she doesn't like your BF though. Also, no he should be able to come and go as you do have a teenage daughter there and if he's not living there he should not be alone with him. Also if he's putting his daughter through all that back and forth for his own selfishness that's a sign. You seem to have your crap together, don't let this man come in and disrespect you and your daughters space