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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
TheClitterati · 30/03/2023 10:36

OP I am 55 and I'm really fucking angry that I have basically spent a lifetime recovering from having to live with my Mum's shitty boyfriends from about age 13, and the knock on consequences it has had in my life (pushing me out of home very young and into some very unsafe and damaging situations/relationships and places), not to mention the damage it did to my relationship with my mother.

For goodness sakes prioritise your teenage daughter and let her know it's her home and her feelings about other people in it matter to you - just a few more years and she will be grown & you can prioritise any loser you want to.

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:36

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

Nowhere near ready to live together, in your words.

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together.

Practically living together, in your words.

Ffs.

Your poor daughter.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:36

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:34

Do people like OP honestly not realise how unbelievably uncomfortable it would be for a 13 year old to have an adult male they barely know, let alone one they don't like, in their home overnight every day? In their safe space? Being at school every day knowing you're going home to someone you don't like who is being prioritised over you?

Or do they just not give a shit?

They probably realise

but they don’t care

TheFormidableMrsC · 30/03/2023 10:37

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This.

Also a man who pushes for 50/50 that is clearly not in the child'a best interest and drags her from pillar to post, I presume to avoid paying maintenance, gives me the ick.

AffIt · 30/03/2023 10:37

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:34

Do people like OP honestly not realise how unbelievably uncomfortable it would be for a 13 year old to have an adult male they barely know, let alone one they don't like, in their home overnight every day? In their safe space? Being at school every day knowing you're going home to someone you don't like who is being prioritised over you?

Or do they just not give a shit?

Exactly - no wonder the poor kid's acting up at school, she's probably a ball of stress and anger.

Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:37

You've not been with him a year yet. He's virtually living with you and your daughter doesn't like him

Don't enter any Mother of the Year competitions will you?

His DD is the least of the issues here. Your poor daughter. Selfish doesn't begin to describe you.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:39

The OP won’t be back

meanwhile the years will pass with her daughter having more and more of a difficult time at school and home.

Meanwhile the OP will doggedly prioritise her latest boyfriend

TheNoodlesIncident · 30/03/2023 10:40

I feel so sorry for your poor DD. It's awful being a child whose parent cannot see what harm they're doing to their children by prioritising themselves and ignoring the thoughts and feelings of their vulnerable and helpless kids.

Your DD is going to move out as soon as she can and you probably won't see her for dust. It'll be your own fault for wrecking her self esteem with your casual demeaning of her opinions and views - and she's got better sense than you do - but of course you'll blame her and not the adults with all the power.

You're not being a good parent OP. You're prioritising this useless user ahead of your daughter. You need to see him for what he is and put an end to this awful and damaging charade. Your DD deserves better than this, poor girl.

Pixiedust1234 · 30/03/2023 10:40

Cocklodger alert...and your daughter sees this. Pity you don't.

Get rid of the nasty manipulative man, and do it quickly. He only wants 50/50 to avoid paying cm not because he cares about his child.

arethereanyleftatall · 30/03/2023 10:40

This is the problem when women attach 100% of their self worth to being 'liked' by a man. Their whole life revolves around it. Of course the fact that the man doesn't actually like them at all, but is simply using them, is irrelevant.

coconutpie · 30/03/2023 10:40

Sqqueeeeeeee · 30/03/2023 10:13

So, you don’t want a 5yo in your personal space two nights a week but you think you’re 13yo is out of order for not wanting a grown man in her personal space every single bloody day?! YABU. End the relationship and prioritise your DD.

This.

I feel so sorry for your poor DD who doesn't like this adult man that you have known for 1 year who is subjected to him being in her home 7 nights a week. Give yourself a shake OP and dump him and prioritise your DD.

euff · 30/03/2023 10:41

I think some of the responses are harsh on you.

You are right to guard and protect your personal space though him being able to come and go as he pleases and that generally staying over 7 days a week seems not to be doing that. He sleeps at your pretty much every day then showers at his dads / gym/ work?

He contributes to your food bill and in return you cook and feed him 7 days a week. He pays no cm by having his daughter 50/50 but he doesn't want to parent or feed or entertain her on his own during that time? She and her grandfather don't enjoy spending any time together?

Is he just pretending that he is fine not to move in together at the moment but that's his longer time plan where you will raise his daughter and he's pretty much doing it anyway?

With that ultimatum I would at the minimum be backing off for a while and getting some space from him.

BodenCardiganNot · 30/03/2023 10:41

Is this the man who you had an unplanned pregnancy with in December 2021? Or is this a different man?

ZeroWorshipHere · 30/03/2023 10:41

Another bad parent putting her sex life over her child.

think about what’s best for your DD and sort your shit out

Longtimeloiterer · 30/03/2023 10:41

Fanx Tara.

Give him his marching orders. It's not fair on your daughter or his and he's being downright cheeky even thinking about this arrangement.

Doidontimmm · 30/03/2023 10:42

You get to choose who stays but your daughter has no say?

Sugargliderwombat · 30/03/2023 10:43

He sounds like a horrid lazy waste man. Your daughter has good judgement ! Why does he live with his dad? Does he pay him rent?

NoSweat · 30/03/2023 10:43

He wants his child 50/50 but hasn't provided a home for her. No, he just wants to sponge off you and his own father. That poor child is being taken away from her mother to sleep over at what is effectively a stranger's house.

Neither does he show any consideration for you or your daughter as pps have said - an absolute user. Please get rid of him, his behaviour is selfish, entitled and frankly, disgusting.

LyingWitchInTheWardrobe · 30/03/2023 10:44

Why are you ok with this, OP? Why would any of it be acceptable to you?

Your daughter (your priority, you said), isn't keen. She doesn't need just cause, she has told you and you are glossing over it for some bizarre reason.

Are you so desperate to have this man in your life that you will ignore so much controlling and entitled behaviour from him?

EatYourVegetables · 30/03/2023 10:44

He is awful to you, your daughter, and his daughter most of all. Why are you tolerating this waste of space?

thaisweetchill · 30/03/2023 10:44

You don't like the way he is pushing his way in living with you but then moan your daughter doesn't like him?! You need to reevaluate this situation and put your daughter first.

DifficultBloodyWoman · 30/03/2023 10:44

Sqqueeeeeeee · 30/03/2023 10:13

So, you don’t want a 5yo in your personal space two nights a week but you think you’re 13yo is out of order for not wanting a grown man in her personal space every single bloody day?! YABU. End the relationship and prioritise your DD.

This. With bells on!

Hoppinggreen · 30/03/2023 10:47

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:15

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child.

you, OP, need to take a long hard look at yourself

its not in the best interests of YOUR child either

ShagratandGorbag4ever · 30/03/2023 10:47

At least your daughter has a functioning twat-radar. It might be the only thing she ever thanks you for.

AnneLovesGilbert · 30/03/2023 10:47

Oh dear.

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