Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 30/03/2023 10:48

euff · 30/03/2023 10:41

I think some of the responses are harsh on you.

You are right to guard and protect your personal space though him being able to come and go as he pleases and that generally staying over 7 days a week seems not to be doing that. He sleeps at your pretty much every day then showers at his dads / gym/ work?

He contributes to your food bill and in return you cook and feed him 7 days a week. He pays no cm by having his daughter 50/50 but he doesn't want to parent or feed or entertain her on his own during that time? She and her grandfather don't enjoy spending any time together?

Is he just pretending that he is fine not to move in together at the moment but that's his longer time plan where you will raise his daughter and he's pretty much doing it anyway?

With that ultimatum I would at the minimum be backing off for a while and getting some space from him.

They need to be harsh

She's a parent, it's not all about her.

But it doesn't matter, if she's reading she's ignoring and she won't be back

StuartBroadshairband · 30/03/2023 10:48

It's amazing how some people prioritise cock over their children's welfare.

Starlitestarbright · 30/03/2023 10:49

Let's break this down

  • he has 2 dc to 2 different woman and different contact arrangements. RED FLAG 1 he cannot have a relationship with the mother of his dc and then does the same again. So two half siblings with different mothers.
  • he is imposing his young child onto you within a year and you don't live together. RED FLAG 2 he wants a mother figure for his child and you fit the bill.
  • giving you an utilimatum that you Accept his dd or the relationship is dead. RED FLAG 3 he is telling you who he is here. Why do you think he has failed relationships with the mother of his dc. He is trying to impose on your boundaries.
  • He particularly moving himself into your home and your dd space..she doesn't like the man listen to her..she can clearly see something you cannot.
MrsMiddleMother · 30/03/2023 10:49

Sqqueeeeeeee · 30/03/2023 10:13

So, you don’t want a 5yo in your personal space two nights a week but you think you’re 13yo is out of order for not wanting a grown man in her personal space every single bloody day?! YABU. End the relationship and prioritise your DD.

Exactly this!

NoTouch · 30/03/2023 10:50

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

You should apply that logic to your own 13 year old dd too. It is unfair on her to have someone in her home/safe space almost 7 nights a week that she does not feel comfortable with. She doesn't need a reason.

But to your question, yes he is being very unreasonable too. Both of you need to prioritise your own kid.

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:50

euff · 30/03/2023 10:41

I think some of the responses are harsh on you.

You are right to guard and protect your personal space though him being able to come and go as he pleases and that generally staying over 7 days a week seems not to be doing that. He sleeps at your pretty much every day then showers at his dads / gym/ work?

He contributes to your food bill and in return you cook and feed him 7 days a week. He pays no cm by having his daughter 50/50 but he doesn't want to parent or feed or entertain her on his own during that time? She and her grandfather don't enjoy spending any time together?

Is he just pretending that he is fine not to move in together at the moment but that's his longer time plan where you will raise his daughter and he's pretty much doing it anyway?

With that ultimatum I would at the minimum be backing off for a while and getting some space from him.

Sorry, harsh on her?

She's 'practically moved in' (her words - he's there seven days a week almost every week) a man she's been with less than a year, knowing her daughter doesn't like him and is uncomfortable with him being there so much.

You think that's anywhere close to being acceptable?

Frankola · 30/03/2023 10:51

He basically expects you to house and feed his child for free whenever he has her. He's taking the piss.

It's your home and he doesn't actually live with you. You do you!

I would see red flags however when it comes to your daughter. There has to be a reason she doesn't like him, and reading your post I don't think it's actually hard to see why.

I couldn't be with someone my daughter didn't like.

BillyDeanisnotmylover · 30/03/2023 10:52

Even aside from the fact that the poor kid has to travel for hours several times a week (which, as she gets older and has school friends and parties etc will be even more disruptive) it’s a ridiculous arrangement. It’s your house, op, and your daughter’s. Not his. He’s making demands that show him up as being somewhat selfish.

Bananalanacake · 30/03/2023 10:52

If I had a 13 yr old dd and was dating a man and my dd didn't like him, I would keep them completely separate, I would see the man once or twice a week when the dd is away, no way would he be welcome in the home when she's there, but then I have pretty strict rules about not living together for a long time.

girlfriend44 · 30/03/2023 10:52

AndiOliversFan · 30/03/2023 10:10

2 kids by 2 different women and lives with his Dad. What a catch…

She's got a child on her own too don't forget?

Kennykenkencat · 30/03/2023 10:53

Your 13 year old Dd can see right through him

Liking or not liking someone can be a gut reaction. It can be picking up on those subliminal messages that you can’t explain

Your 13 year old doesn’t need a reason to not like him and she wants to spend time with just you but can’t because your bf is always there

Dump the CF and make your Dd no 1 in your life and listen to her. Otherwise your relationship will suffer irreparable damage.

Seeline · 30/03/2023 10:53

Does this wonderful specimen of a man have a job?

On top of all this, please tell me that your poor DD doesn't have to share her room with the 5yo when she stays over?
She must be disturbed at 6am when the 5yo has to be got up in order for this ridiculous set up to work?

Redebs · 30/03/2023 10:53

I think you need to work out if you're living together or not.
If you want to keep the relationship casual, then he is a visitor and you aren't stepparents to each others children.

If you're serious and want to be together, then you need to start about making your family together with both children involved.

Sounds like at the moment you are just pretending that you're both single.

Climbles · 30/03/2023 10:54

I’m guessing you do a lot of the ‘wife work’ when his DD is there?
He probably wants 50-50 so that you can get out of paying child maintenance. It’s interesting how many men suddenly want their children around more after they’ve got a new partner House keeper.

Choconut · 30/03/2023 10:54

So you don't want his daughter around all the time but your poor daughter has to put up with having him there all the time? Talk about selfish.

Grimbelina · 30/03/2023 10:54

Think about what you are modelling for your daughter (who sounds like she has very good reasons to dislike him actually): that she should accept a cocklodger who also expects you to provide for and very probably take care of one of his children too (once he gets his feet firmly under the table). This is all at her expense.

He sounds incredibly selfish and his arrangements for his DD sound tortuous for her. He lives with is dad, stays at yours 7 nights a week and only contributes to food. He threatens to end the relationship if you don't capitulate to everything he asks for.

He really is a catch isn't he?

Tortoiserunning · 30/03/2023 10:54

You are really lucky that he is telling you who he is.

He has 50/50 to avoid maintenance.
Despite having 50/50 (to save money) which isn’t in the child’s interest (travelling to school etc), he is not prepared to Pay to put his own roof over their heads.
He crashes at yours paying only for the food that he eats. Then crashes at his parents in the house they find.

He us a tight tight money orientated man. How much board does he give his family? Is his family keen on the 50/50 arrangement or are they pushing him to sort his hand out and pop his hand into his wallet to pay for his own child?!

NewCarOldCar · 30/03/2023 10:54

Good to know your daughter has the measure of him

JeanMarsh · 30/03/2023 10:55

Listen to your DD. Get rid of useless CF boyfriend and his messy life.

CandyLeBonBon · 30/03/2023 10:55

"So, you don’t want a 5yo in your personal space two nights a week but you think you’re 13yo is out of order for not wanting a grown man in her personal space every single bloody day?! "

^^ this. I was that 13y/o

I'd be stopping him coming over 7 days a week tbh - and listen to your dd - it's her space too.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2023 10:55

Your dd doesn’t want him around, TOUGH. You don’t want a 5 year old around, it’s MY PERSONAL SPACE. Yes, I think your dd got the least bit. And the measure of the man. Those poor children. I hope your dd’s future is brighter.

Mummyoflittledragon · 30/03/2023 10:55

*last bit.

Redebs · 30/03/2023 10:56

Does he have two children? I thought OP said he has one 5 year old daughter

Number24Bus · 30/03/2023 10:56

YANBU at all. It's your house!! Your boyfriend is a cheeky fucker expecting to lay down the rules in your house.

Tortoiserunning · 30/03/2023 10:56

Your dd is a smart cookie.

Swipe left for the next trending thread