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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
forrestgreen · 30/03/2023 10:57

She has lots of reasons not to like it. You just don't see them yet.

Please put her first over someone who uses your house as an unpaid B&b with free sex. He'd now like to throw in free childcare also.

Why don't you like it...

billy1966 · 30/03/2023 10:58

What a user loser you have brought into your poor daughters life.

And doesn't she know it.🙄

He is using you and your home and making ultimatums🙄.

What a user loser.

Clearly your boundaries are weak.

You need to give your head a wobble and take heed from your 13 year old who has more sense than you.

Get rid of him.

Nedmund · 30/03/2023 10:59

He's a cocklodger.

Your DD has a better radar than you.

Harrysarseinthedogbowl · 30/03/2023 10:59

Why doesn't he have his own place where his daughter can stay, preferably near her school?

JulieHoney · 30/03/2023 10:59

Prioritise your daughter.

There’s only a few years left before she can vote with her feet. If you want to have a relationship with her, you need to start putting her needs before your own, never mind this wastrel bloke.

bofski14 · 30/03/2023 10:59

You BOTH are not putting your children's needs first.

You are uncomfortable with having his daughter around because it's infringing on your personal space and your 1 on 1 time with your daughter. And that is absolutely your right and I fully support you on that. BUT your child is telling you she feels the same about him and that just doesn't seem to matter to you. She is TELLING you that she doesn't feel comfortable and she doesn't want this arrangement but you are forcing her to accept it.

Put your daughter first. Regardless of all the red flags this man is giving off, your daughter is unhappy. THAT is the real issue. Not who pays what for bills or what contact arrangements he has with his kids. That's all just piffle. Your daughter was brave enough to express her needs to you about not wanting this man in her home and her space. Respect that or risk losing your relationship with her. You owe your daughter a massive apology.

theemmadilemma · 30/03/2023 10:59

Almost sounds like his Dad doesn't him there with his child all the time either, like he needs somewhere else to be.

Massive cocklodger and not great catch. Throw it back.

Tortoiserunning · 30/03/2023 11:00

Oh and I didn’t comment on the fact he drops her at her mums fir the school run on his days. I guess this is so greedy man doesn’t have to pay for before school club or rearrange his working day and lose money or face sacrificing his career - so he gets a woman to puck up his slack.

As I said before your dd is very smart, she may not be able to articulate exactly why she doesn’t like him but her spidey senses are spot on.

ladykale · 30/03/2023 11:01

WandaWonder · 30/03/2023 10:21

So another putting the bf before the child?

Exactly tired of reading these threads.

It's not that hard.

PUT YOUR KIDS FIRST.

You don't have to move a man in at the drop of a hat!!

He can live at his own place, you can date and see him in the evening and weekends like normal people and he can stay over max 1-2 nights per week.

Ugh.

Women like OP are the ones who don't even understand safeguarding when it comes to their children.

Stop bringing random men who are contributing nothing around your children!!!

jemimapuddlepluck · 30/03/2023 11:01

Fucking hell, are you that bloody desperate? Tell him to get fucked. Got lucky with you didn't he OP? I'm gonna have a go at predicting the future here... you will carry on being a mug and dressing it up as you remaining independent and THATS why he only gives you money for food 🙄 he will have his daughter 50/50 at your house and your daughter will start despising him. Fun and games will commence and you will take on all his responsibilities for him. That's my prediction if you don't end it with this waste of space. He sounds like a winner.

SnoringPains · 30/03/2023 11:02

You’re unreasonable for having a man your daughter doesn’t like in your house 7 nights a week, whether you think she has a valid reason or not.

Poppyblush · 30/03/2023 11:02

Blimey… just call time.

Greenfairydust · 30/03/2023 11:03

This all sounds like hard work...

The agreement is that you don't live together, so I don't understand why he thinks he should have free access to your home and dictate that you should spend time caring for his daughter.

I think your teenage daughter sounds like the sane one in this drama.

Get rid of him. Too many red flags.

This man would make a terrible step-parent for your daughter and living with him would be a nightmare. He sounds like he is using you to get childcare and housing...

Justcallmebebes · 30/03/2023 11:04

AndiOliversFan · Today 10:10
2 kids by 2 different women and lives with his Dad. What a catch…

Have to agree with this. He sounds like a deadbeat and he's a cock lodger to boot

HermioneKipper · 30/03/2023 11:04

Your poor daughter.

having this bloke basically move in without you discussing it with her and now she’s got to put up with a 5 year old in her space too.

no wonder she’s not keen.

he sounds a completely CF - run away now

SoFED · 30/03/2023 11:04

Boundaries boundaries boundaries OP! Although I’d be putting up a Berlin Wall between me and that man! And no chance of knocking it down!!

Why are you letting him stay in your house so much? It’s not been a year and your daughter doesn’t like him!!! How can you be dismissive of her feelings?

Greensleevevssnotnose · 30/03/2023 11:05

These poor children having such shit role models. I despair

euff · 30/03/2023 11:05

@monsteramunch I don't think its acceptable. But I think people can shine a light on things she might not be seeing without being mean.

Sisisimone · 30/03/2023 11:05

He is insisting on 50/50, at the detriment of his own children, not because he is a good father but because this means he does not have to pay child support.

He has wormed himself into basically living for free in your house and is now pressurising you to move his children in

Your dd is telling you she doesn't like him. There is a reason for this. He sounds awful. Your dd is a 13 year old child and she comes first.

FFS get rid of this loser and prioritise your relationship with your daughter

fruitbrewhaha · 30/03/2023 11:05

WTF? So he throws you a few quid for food but gets cooked and looked after every night by you, and what ever else. And now expects you to help with looking after his daughter as well.

I really hope this thread opens your eyes to the shit dynamic in your relationships OP. You need to split with this man (who presumably is trying not to pay cm to his ex).

ArdeteiMasazxu · 30/03/2023 11:06

yanbu to limit the amount of time his kid is at your house. you don't live together, it's not his home and it's not the kid's home. they are guests and are not in a position to be so demanding. it is your home and your DD's home and you are both finding this all a bit much.

I think this man is looking for a doormat who will be shortly letting him move in at her expense so he can be a nice comfy cocklodger. don't be that doormat.

Leopardprintisaneutral · 30/03/2023 11:08

Another cocklodger looking for free lodging and someone to do all the work when he has his kid. It sounds like your daughter has good instincts tbh

Biffatcrafts · 30/03/2023 11:09

I completely agree with @TheClitterati

I was in similar situation when I was. My mother chose to consistently prioritise her then BF and his 3 daughters over me because he pushed for it and she was so desperate to keep him around. Then, despite asking me if I would be happy if he became my new father - and me vehemently saying no, not happy at all - she still chose to marry him. Cue 6 years of absolute misery for me which I ended by moving out of home as soon as I could.

The relationship with my mother never recovered and I was constantly being put last in her priorities, but still expected to be at her beck and call whenever she had problems or wanted someone to moan to (it was not a happy marriage).

Eventually had to go NC with all off them due to absolute toxic relationship with my step father.

My mother died last year and I didn't even get to go to her funeral as step father banned me from going.

Please OP, don't make a choice which puts your daughter second. She needs you, and what you will potentially lose if you ignore her feelings is a relationship that should always be the most precious thing in your life. Men come and go - daughters (and children) should be forever.

IndigoLight · 30/03/2023 11:09

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This. Your Child comes first.

Ragwort · 30/03/2023 11:09

I am hoping this thread is a troll, intending to get us all frothing. I note the OP hasn't been back ....

Surely no one could be as stupid as this?

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