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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU My Boyfriend wants me to FULLY ACCEPT his 5 year daughter, but I believe I AM!

457 replies

MNF2021 · 30/03/2023 10:02

I have been seeing my partner for coming up to you a year and we don't currently live together (which is fine and we are both in agreement that we are no where ready to live together)

I have a 13 year old daughter who lives with me and in all honestly he is round at mine almost 7 nights per week(in the evenings and stays overnight) which in my eyes is practically living together. He gives me money towards my food shop every week but nothing else. I will state, I am fine with this as we don't live together, he doesn't shower at mine etc. and whether he was here or not my household bills would remain the same. He currently resides at his Dads.

My daughter who is 13 isn't very keen on him but has no reason not to be. It has been me and her for majority of her life and if she had it her way - she would have it just as US.

He used to have his daughter EVERY weekend and after some discussion, the arrangement has now changed to the following -

  • Every other weekend - Friday from school to drop off with the Mum at 7:00am in another City on Monday morning (meaning he waking his daughter up at around 6am to travel)
  • On the weekends he does not have her - he has her in the week Wednesday through to Friday and every morning dropping back at the Mum's in another City (Thursday AM and Friday AM) for the Mum to take her to school.

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child, waking her up early and having her sit through a full a day at school being tired but he is adamant he wants a 50/50 split.

The issue comes in where I have a very demanding job and I have said when it comes to his daughter as she is so young, I am fine for her to stay around at mine some of the days when he has her but not everyday he has her. For example last week, he had her Wednesday through to Friday - I worked on Wednesday so didn't see them (my Partner and his daughter) but they stayed on Thursday. He then decided to have her Tuesday just gone (outside of the arrangement), so I said you will need her at your Dads. I said this because I see this an opportunity for me to spend 1 on 1 time with my daughter and also it's an adjustment having a young child her also.

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!

He has said I would gladly have him there everyday if it was just him - so why is it any different when it is him and his daughter.

It's different because it's my personal space currently and we don't live together. Therefore I have a right to choose when I have people my home.

Sounds a little selfish, but I am at the point in my life where my daughter who is 13 is semi independent so it's not all the time I would want a youngster around. Baring in my mind, he 2 children by 2 different woman; therefore 2 different arrangements.

I am open to phasing this in and having her more gradually but it's going to take some time for me to adjust and we don't live together for a reason. Am I being unreasonable?

OP posts:
Beamur · 30/03/2023 10:15

He has now given me an ultimatum to say - Either accept me and my daughter fully as in we both should be able to come there as and when want or it's over!
Bye then!
Seriously, he wants to take you for a mug. He's obviously getting annoyed that you have boundaries around your own space hence the ultimatum.
Of course your DD doesn't like this man constantly in her home.

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:15

Personally I find the arrangement bizarre as it not in the best interest of the child.

you, OP, need to take a long hard look at yourself

Freshair87 · 30/03/2023 10:15

I kind of get his point you only want to have quality time with your daughter when he has his daughter not when it's just him, that is mean to his daughter and you're not being a great parent to your child either

Conkersinautumn · 30/03/2023 10:15

I don't think I'd want someone this pushy in my life and definitely not in the life of a young teen. He's not a fan of boundaries when they're in his way, is he.

TomatoSandwiches · 30/03/2023 10:15

teacakie · 30/03/2023 10:08

Your 13 year old isn't keen on him yet you have him almost living with you Hmm

Have a word with yourself.

This, she sounds more astute than you already.
Tell him that's fine then, neither him or his daughter stays over, that's fair, see how he likes that.

BessieSurtees · 30/03/2023 10:16

He has moved in by stealth and doesn’t pay his way and has you accepting that.

He now wants to move his DD in with you.

You are already putting him before your own DD.

Tell him to stick his ultimatum and put your DD and yourself first.

Where does he shower?

Nimbostratus100 · 30/03/2023 10:16

I cant see how either child benefits from the two of them coming to stay at your house - it sounds very disruptive for both of them. I dont think he should be bringing his daughter to stay at yours ever

FrostyFifi · 30/03/2023 10:16

Your daugher has a much more finely attuned douchebag-radar than you do. Just get rid and stop sleepwalking further into this messy, miserable situation.

Annoyingwurringnoise · 30/03/2023 10:17

Your daughter can obviously see something in him that you can’t, yet. Sounds like she might be bang on the money about him TBH.

either way you shouldn’t be having him in your home pretty much seven nights per week when your daughter doesn’t like him. It’s her home too. How dare you inflict this relatively unknown man on her full time against her Will. That’s just pure selfish of you.

Snorlaxing · 30/03/2023 10:18

I wouldn't like this arrangement when it's not even been a year. I would agree to a break up.

I think that you are unreasonable about your dd. She tolerates your bf 7 days a week when you don't want his dd round 3 days a week.

Fedupofdiets · 30/03/2023 10:18

YANBU. Fuck. That. Shit. There is so much wrong here I don't know where to begin. Firstly as PP have said your daughter is entitled to feel as she does it is her house too and having a man and his child thrust upon her is likely to cause her to feel uneasy. He is taking the absolute piss and has indeed moved in by stealth. You need to take control here and tell him he sees his kids at his Dads and then he is welcome on the other nights (if that is what YOU want). How can you even still fancy him with his attitude and contempt towards you, your home and your childs home?

dontwaitforever · 30/03/2023 10:18

As a PP said, he's a taker.

He has everything to gain from the arrangement. But what about you? What about your daughter? His daughter?

I would be reasserting some boundaries here, OP.* He can stay three nights per week. (Your daughter needs her space, and time alone with you) When he has his daughter(s?) he stays at his dad's, for the same reasons. Of course you can spend time with his daughters, but no need to house them.

*I think I would probably just dump him actually. What a selfish, entitled, red flag-waving arse!

Cheeping · 30/03/2023 10:19

So, you don’t like the arrangement he has for his DD because you don’t think it’s in the best interests of his DD…whilst simultaneously not giving one single shit about what’s in the best interests of your DD?

I can’t even imagine “mum, I don’t like that man and don’t want him in my home” “well, I’m sorry but mummy fancies him so he’s staying every single night from now on”. 🙄

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:19

After less than a year you've 'practically moved in' your boyfriend, who visits daily and usually stays over, who your daughter doesn't like?

Your daughter who is at such a crucial age when it comes to learning about boundaries and relationship dynamics.

It's more than a bit hypocritical you're talking about things not being in his child's best interest tbh...

Your poor daughter feeling uncomfortable in her own home with a male basically moving in despite her not liking him and it being so soon into the guy's relationship with her mum.

She must feel so silenced and sidelined. It's way too soon for someone to be staying in her home every night, let alone someone she doesn't like.

I don't think I would much respect such an obvious cocklodger either. Even if I was 13.

PinkDaffodil2 · 30/03/2023 10:20

So you need your personal space and have a right to decide what people are in your home - but what about your daughter! Why on earth is your boyfriend of a year basically living with you if she isn’t keen on him? You don’t seem at all bothered about her personal space, not to mention all the reasons she may not want him around.

gamerchick · 30/03/2023 10:20

You're not thinking of your daughter's needs here. Your bloke is looking for an easy ride and you're letting him OP.

He's threatened to dump you if you don't capitulate . That should tell you everything you need to know. Your daughter seems to have a more switched on radar than you do.

BeExcellent2EachOther · 30/03/2023 10:21

Oh come on! Tell me you see through his bullshit.

He's got 2 kids by two different women, but no home to house them in. He opts out of paying CMS by having his DC 50%, but what he really wants is you to house, feed and look after his daughter 50% of the time, whilst destroying the relationship you have with your own child.

Kick this cocklodger to the kerb.

Know your self worth and if you must have a man in your life at least go for someone who is on your level.

monsteramunch · 30/03/2023 10:21

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:18

Hold up OP

is this the boyfriend that left you in December 2021 when you told him you were pregnant?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy_choices/4422865-Boyfriend-left-me-whilst-pregnant-and-wondering-whether-to-carry-on?postsby=MNF2021

Oh wow. Just read this thread.

Your poor daughter being subjected to this shit show of a relationship dynamic.

Especially at such a crucial age.

Bloody hell.

AitchPeeVee · 30/03/2023 10:21

Villssev · 30/03/2023 10:18

Hold up OP

is this the boyfriend that left you in December 2021 when you told him you were pregnant?

https://www.mumsnet.com/talk/pregnancy_choices/4422865-Boyfriend-left-me-whilst-pregnant-and-wondering-whether-to-carry-on?postsby=MNF2021

She’s only been seeing this guy for less than a year, so wouldn’t be the same guy who she was pregnant by back in December 2021. OP moves fast though it would seem.

SavBlancTonight · 30/03/2023 10:21

There are so many things wrong with this scenario, not least the fact that you have a cocklodger staying in your home, invading your DD's space and you haven't even noticed? He pays towards food, great, but the whole, "I'd be paying the bills anyway" thing is total bollocks because yes, you WOULD be paying the bills anyway, but you'd also have the house to yourself and your daughter and would not have extra cleaning, cooking etc. If he's basically living with you, he should be contributing.

But he shouldn't be there 7 days a week anyway and I'm shocked that you think because he technically stays (rent free, I assume) at his dads, that therefore you don't consider it living together. Look out for your dd and stop this arrangement.

As for him and his 5 year old staying with you - that's also total bollocks and not fair on your dd or his. And it's not fair on you either. I also wouldn't want a 5 year old moving in at regular intervals. And I imagine your DD hates it.

You need much better boundaries. Limit when he stays over, let his dd come over with him for fun times but not to live with you and protect your DD's home and safe space.

bellinisurge · 30/03/2023 10:21

I'd tell him to fuck off. I know that juggling work, children and personal life as a single parent is difficult but your daughter comes first. You are not married/formally living with this bloke (who sounds a lot like a part time cock lodger, btw) therefore you have no need to think about making reasonable tweeks to your set up to help that commitment.
I feel sorry for his daughter but that is not your responsibility.

Frozendaquiri · 30/03/2023 10:21

Just to be clear - your 13 year old daughter doesn't like him being around. Instead of doing what's best for her you allow him to bring his child along too?

WandaWonder · 30/03/2023 10:21

So another putting the bf before the child?

pinkyredrose · 30/03/2023 10:22

He sounds like a complete user. Where does his daughter sleep when she stays? Why can't he get his own place?

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