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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

307 replies

Limegreencurtains · 30/03/2023 07:20

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

OP posts:
SoFED · 30/03/2023 07:22

How will he contribute equally to a house on £50k a year and fund private school?

incognitodorrito · 30/03/2023 07:23

His old is his DC ? Does he mean independent from primary school age or switching from state to independent for secondary ?

Changingplace · 30/03/2023 07:23

I think it’s fair to consider that this is a big financial commitment he’s taking on and how that will impact your joint finances going forwards.

How much are the fees? Private school costs can vary massively I think?

LolaSmiles · 30/03/2023 07:23

His child's education is for him and his ex/the child's mother to decide, just like your child's education is for you and your DC dad to decide. There's nothing wrong with that.

But you've only been together a year and seem to be on very different financial pages. This is likely to be an ongoing issue, and a big one if you choose to have a child together. It might be a case of cut your losses.

Aftjbtibg · 30/03/2023 07:24

In theory it’s nothing to do with you how he spends his money and if he chooses to use it for private school but in practice I’m struggling to see how he’d afford it on his earnings. If he thinks he can afford it with his current mortgage and outgoings then in theory he could afford it when living with you but things like holidays etc will take a hit and I think you could ask him about his plans generally for the next however long

user56912 · 30/03/2023 07:25

If he’s funding it alone he can’t afford it. Simple as that. Fees will be at last £15k out of taxed income. He would have very little left to live on

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/03/2023 07:25

Might he consider the same about you though? You work part time, so he may be wondering how/whether you can afford to pay your half of the bills.

Maybe you both need to sit an map it out

ArdeteiMasazxu · 30/03/2023 07:26

ok this is a red flag that, nice as he is, you must only ever see this relationship as casual. do not move in with him and do not get pregnant by him. if you would have qualms about an abortion in the event of accidental pregnancy then splitting up ma be more sensible.

it's not wrong that he puts his children first but a blended family situation with this kind of disparity will not work. ever. you need to put your own children first over your love life and see that anything more than a casual FWB thing with this man is bad news for them

Howtohideasausage · 30/03/2023 07:27

I think the issue is that you have opposing views on private education, and this could potentially be an issue down the line. Also, let’s face it, he’s not that well paid for it to be an easy thing for him to afford even with the ex. I don’t like private schools so it would be off-putting to me personally.

SquidwardBound · 30/03/2023 07:27

It likely only makes a difference if he’s imagining that moving in with you will enable him to afford private school, his own living expenses and child maintenance. £50k doesn’t go that far if you’re paying private school fees, so I’d be worried that he is look for you to subsidise his choices.

If he’d be paying his fair share then it probably doesn’t make any difference. He can dorms his money as he sees fit.

The other red flag is the Disney dad behaviour and the focus around buying stuff. If that’s how he is raising his son (and he’s just as culpable as the child’s mother - possibly more so, as the dad’s house of plenty thing may be all him), that’s going to be almost impossible to live with. Especially when you have your own children.

ZekeZeke · 30/03/2023 07:27

He is probably thinking about how much he will save by moving in with you, and that's what's going to fund it!
Don't let him move into your home.

Devoutspoken · 30/03/2023 07:29

I wouldn't find this attractive in a partner at all

Sussyknowsthemeaningoflife · 30/03/2023 07:30

Keep your finances and your homes separate. Thst way you will be able to continue to enjoy your relationship.

Aprilx · 30/03/2023 07:31

He doesn’t earn anything close to enough to fund private education, he is e deluded if he thinks he can. Has he actually priced any schools up!

Anyway he by some miracle he has an inheritance or something and he is able to fund this, well I don’t think a blended household is going to work that well.

custardbear · 30/03/2023 07:31

Does he realise there's other costs like trips, uniform etc. I think I saw on MN that for private schools you can almost double the fees to get the actual costs after all the extras

LIZS · 30/03/2023 07:32

It seems a bit tight financially but that is his call. Not all private schools are £££ and there may be funding his dc is eligible for. Not your business I'm afraid and he may prioritise his dc probably at the expense of a long term future with you. If you think it would leave him unable to contribute to household expenses then it will impact on you but presumably you cover those of yourself and your dc already.

CindersAgain · 30/03/2023 07:32

I think you need to have a matter of fact chat about it and see what his plans are. Are you absolutely sure he’ll have to pay for it all, for example?

bellac11 · 30/03/2023 07:32

Red flags?

Because he is paying his way for his children?

How bizarre.

He might not be able to afford it but thats another matter, thats just a practical concern which you would need to sort out IF you were to cohabit. But then you could work full time yourself too.

its not 'red flag'. So overblown

ImAvingOops · 30/03/2023 07:33

I think he might have a shock when it comes to the reality of actually funding it. Lots of people have pie in the sky thoughts about how they'll raise their kids, until those kids reach the relevant age and it becomes apparent that what they want in theory and what they can do aren't always the same! It's not just the school fees - it's the uniform, extra curricular activities, keeping up with the lifestyle of much richer families so that his child fits in.

That said, you have to be super cautious about committing to this man. He cannot live with you if it is to the detriment of your own finances and family. You don't want to be committing to a bigger, more expensive house than you actually need and then being landed with costs because all his money goes on school fees. Or supplementing his share of bills. Or not being able to afford holidays or any luxuries because all his cash is accounted for.

I would maintain separate homes and take this one very very slowly. It's not essential to live together and it might not be in your children's best interests to form a family with someone where one child has a very different lifestyle. What would happen if you wanted to have a baby? How does that one get educated?

And being cynical, it might suit him to move in with you and free himself from sole responsibility for rent/mortgage, to free up his cash. Make sure you aren't indirectly paying for his choices.

PickledPurplePickle · 30/03/2023 07:34

You don’t get to choose where his child goes to school

but how is he going to afford it on that salary?

ChickenDhansak82 · 30/03/2023 07:34

I was about to say YABU until you wrote that he earns £50k.

That is NOT enough to pay for private school and even paying half the fees would be tough on finances! (Assuming his ex will pay the other half )

If he earned £100k then fair enough he should pay!

h3ll0o · 30/03/2023 07:35

Many schools in my area would see him as a low earner and offer a significant reduction on fees. He could be paying as little as £500 per month, even less.

Tellmethespoiler · 30/03/2023 07:35

How old is this “young child”? I think it’s very odd for a young child to say they want to go to private school. A young child won’t know the differences between schools.

Alarae · 30/03/2023 07:36

Assuming he is not contributing to a pension and has no student loan/taxable benefits, the most his net salary would be on 50k would be £3,168. That is just above 38k a year.

Unless you have very cheap private schools and housing where you are, I have no idea how he is going to afford that on his salary without things being very tight.

h3ll0o · 30/03/2023 07:36

h3ll0o · 30/03/2023 07:35

Many schools in my area would see him as a low earner and offer a significant reduction on fees. He could be paying as little as £500 per month, even less.

Or £250 or less if they go halves