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Original poster

Boyfriend’s kid wants to go to private school

307 replies

Limegreencurtains · 30/03/2023 07:20

I’ve been with my boyfriend for over a year and things are going well. We have been discussing the eventuality of us moving in together although neither of us are quite ready yet. I have young children from a previous relationship as does he. Yesterday, he told me that his child wants to go to private school and he will be funding it all. I am shocked at the cost and the fact his ex would expect him to cover all expenses. I can’t help but imagine that this is now going to affect our future. Do I have the right to bring this up or is it none of my business? I could never afford to send my own nor would I want to. Last year, just before I met his kid, he asked if they were ok with Dad having a girlfriend to which they replied, they thought it was fine as long as he didn’t stop buying them stuff. The kid and ex are high maintenance and I personally feel my boyfriend is seen as the bank of Dad. We both come from humble backgrounds. He earns £50000 a year and I work part time. Am I being unreasonable in wanting to ask where this leaves our future financially or is it none of my business how he spends his money?

OP posts:
user56912 · 30/03/2023 07:37

h3ll0o · 30/03/2023 07:35

Many schools in my area would see him as a low earner and offer a significant reduction on fees. He could be paying as little as £500 per month, even less.

But his ex wife’s income would also be taken into account plus also, if he lived with the op, some aspect of hers too

Notellinganyone · 30/03/2023 07:38

Me and DP earn £50k each and teach in a private school so get 50% off fees. Mortgage not huge and it’s still a bit of a stretch. He can’t afford fees on his salary- most indies are around £1k per month and some more plus extras. It’s just not realistic.

MrsBennetsPoorNerves · 30/03/2023 07:39

Whether he can afford it or not will depend on where he lives and his other outgoings. It would be doable for some and impossible for others on that income.

I don't think it's for you to dictate how he spends his money, but you might want to rethink moving in with him.

Woodstore · 30/03/2023 07:41

Did his £50k appeal to you as a way of subsidising your own part time salary OP?

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 07:45

Is his £50k minus private school fees still more than your part time wage?

TwinsAndTiramisu · 30/03/2023 07:46

Just to each what others have said, he can't remotely afford it on £50k, plus his own living costs.

So I suspect he's planning on you paying for the house and bills for him, so he can spend his money on his child.

That's you indirectly paying for his kids private education, while your own children can't go.

The fact he thinks he can use you like that, or he's too stupid to realise he can't afford it and just blindly steamrolls forward as one of those "my child gets whatever he wants" parents, neither are good situations for you and your children. You'll be second best all the time. I'd leave now, while it's still new and not too serious.

Bunnyhascovidnoteggs · 30/03/2023 07:49

My worry is he pays for his dc's school and you being expected to pay his living costs because he can't afford to...

Rollerpiggy · 30/03/2023 07:50

He will struggle to find that on 50k. In fact I doubt he will make it passed the first year .

ASQQueen · 30/03/2023 07:50

He doesn't earn enough at 50k to find private education. Basically long term it will not work for you as a blended family with him putting all his money on school fees whilst yours go state and you all struggle financially.
Move on from him it's not worth the stress

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 07:51

To all the people saying he can't afford it on £50k...why can't he? So are you saying that someone on maybe £37k a year can't afford to share a house and bills?

LadyJ2023 · 30/03/2023 07:51

Red flag haha no a good dad paying for his child like he should in more ways than one. Shame more arent like him tbh...Education for his child is not your choice,opinion,decision its between him and his ex as to who will pay for it and how. Aslong as he's treating your kids well also I don't see what your problem is and if your kids are at school up your work hours since yours are your responsibility also

Dibblydoodahdah · 30/03/2023 07:52

I have no problem with private school (I have one DC in a private school) and would support any child going there BUT £50k is not enough to pay for it and still be able to cover other living expenses (mortgage, rent, bills, food etc). DH and I earn £160k between us and it’s still tight - partly because we have a large mortgage (SE).

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 30/03/2023 07:53

You need to sit down and have a full and frank conversation about finances before you make any decisions. Private school fees vary widely but the two I’m familiar with, one charges £15K p/a and one £45K p/a, and that’s before you’ve factored in any uniform, trips, music lessons…

My first question would be: what are the fees of the school they’re considering and how will he pay them on a salary of £50K? And if you’ve discussed moving in together, how will he be able to support his half of your blended household while also paying his child support and school fees?

Presuming that you are currently managing to financially support your own household without his help, I wouldn’t be changing that until there was a very clear breakdown of how the finances of the blended household would work (with sums and spreadsheets involved, not a vague oh I’ll pay the rent and you pick up the food sort of way).

sweeneytoddsrazor · 30/03/2023 07:53

Not a good situation for either of you. You will get plenty of people on here saying he is looking to you to fund his life choices and on the flip side of the coin you will get his friends and family saying you are looking to him to fund you and your DC.

incognitodorrito · 30/03/2023 07:53

If he’s been saving up by sending DC to state for primary, he may well be able to afford it for secondary - depends on what school & how much he’s saved. That’s not your concern as pp have said, unless you cohabit.

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/03/2023 07:54

He will be funding it because you and your kids will be supporting him to do so. It’s a no from me 🚩

CalistoNoSolo · 30/03/2023 07:54

How he funds it is down to him and his ex to sort out. It is absolutely zero to do with you. And if I was him I would be put off that you don't have a full time job and wonder how you're going to fund your children and yourself on a part time wage.

Cosyblankets · 30/03/2023 07:55

Tellmethespoiler · 30/03/2023 07:35

How old is this “young child”? I think it’s very odd for a young child to say they want to go to private school. A young child won’t know the differences between schools.

I wondered same

ImAGoodPerson · 30/03/2023 07:55

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 07:51

To all the people saying he can't afford it on £50k...why can't he? So are you saying that someone on maybe £37k a year can't afford to share a house and bills?

Plus paying maintenance. 50k really isn't that much if you bring private school into it. 2 people on 50k in a house would not necessarily be enough for private school so guess it depends what the ex earns and is contributing.

The OP hasn't said its anything to do with her just asked whether it's going to impact their future.

Notonthestairs · 30/03/2023 07:55

You'd be right to bring it up in the future in the context of any joint finances.

But you've already described his child and his ex as high maintenance - they aren't going anywhere and it's not your job to redraw their relationships so I'm not convinced this relationship will work beyond what you have now.

Talkingtomyhouseplants · 30/03/2023 07:56

AlexaFeedMyKids · 30/03/2023 07:51

To all the people saying he can't afford it on £50k...why can't he? So are you saying that someone on maybe £37k a year can't afford to share a house and bills?

It wouldn’t be £37k though because of the proportional relationship between tax and other deductions.

£37k/year = £29,182 assuming no other deductions

£50/year = £38,000 assuming no other deductions. Take away the arbitrary figure of £13k for school fees that leaves you with £25k which is the take home salary equivalent to making about £31k.

All that assumes that the OPs BF doesn’t pay into a pension and isn’t repaying a student loan. He is very likely doing one if not both (and stupid if not paying into a pension).

Divorcedalongtime · 30/03/2023 07:56

Of course he wants to do what’s best for his son, I don’t think this is anything you can object to.
if he then can’t afford a mortgage that’s a different problem.

IncompleteSenten · 30/03/2023 07:56

I would talk about finances regardless. It's an important discussion to have before moving in with someone.

Ignore his son's education. That's not your concern. You need to agree how much he will be paying towards bills and what household stuff he will be doing.

Meandfour · 30/03/2023 07:57

No way can he afford private school on 50k!

If he earned more and could afford it, I would say it’s nothing to do with you, but it’s doubtful to happen anyway.

PoBaFla · 30/03/2023 07:58

He doesn’t earn anything close to enough to fund private education, he is e deluded if he thinks he can. Has he actually priced any schools up!

This^
Unless he's got savings, DC gets a substantial bursary or grandparents helping he won't be able to afford it